It's my 3 year cancer-versary today!

Dearest sisters, 
Three years ago today, I waited nervously for the entire morning and tried to keep myself busy on the computer.  What was I waiting for?  I was waiting to go to the doctor, so he could tell me, "It came back cancer." 

I knew it the moment my husband found my lump.  He saved my life, and I will never be able to fully share with him how tremendous of a husband he really is-I don't know what kind of words can completely portray that message.  When my husband said, "When was the last time you did a breast exam?", and put my hand on the lump he had felt, my heart sank. 

I did do self exams on a fairly regular basis, but as a woman with "lumpy boobs" it became so monotonous to me that I often let it lapse to a once every other month occurrence. 

I also just had my yearly check up with my gyno, and came up all clear. 

However, that moment I felt that lump, I KNEW it wasn't right.  It felt as hard as a rock.  It was HUGE.  It was sickening. 

I tried to reassure him (him?  I mean myself....) that my boobs always got lumpy between my period cycles.  I said I would wait till my period came (due about a week later), and if it didn't change, I'd get it checked. 

I poked at my breast constantly that whole weekend and hoped/prayed the lump would go away.  "Maybe it was just the angle we were poking at it," I'd think to myself as I poked and prodded so hard my breast turned red. 

We had been trying to get pregnant as of that very month.  I was feeling tired and nauseous, and my BOOB hurt.  NOT my boobs.  Nonetheless, I was excited and was sure I had a baby growing inside me.  Yep, I was giving birth; just to cancer instead of a child. 

I couldn't take the nagging feeling I had and called for an appointment that Monday.  I had the sonogram and mammogram, and with both tests, I had such a horrible feeling.  Both tests took forever!  The tech's would just say, "Oh, the doctor wanted a different angle....." and took TONS of pictures. 

When the doctor came in, I really knew it wasn't right.  She said, "It's up to you, but I think you might want to do a biopsy. I'm concerned with the irregular borders I am seeing." 

Oh, the whirlwind of emotions!  Denial!  Anger!  Fear!  Sadness!  Confusion!  What?!?!  This couldn't be!  Besides, what the he** did that even MEAN??!! I had no idea what those terms meant back then.  Three years later, I could write a book! 

I had to wait nearly two weeks for the biopsy, and that is when I came to breastcancer.org.  I grew to love the women here instantly.  What an amazing resource I had right before my eyes.  I was on the computer constantly, chatting away and asking question after question. 

Three years ago today, my husband, 15 month old son and I walked nervously into a small room where we had to wait for our lives to be forever changed.  The doctor who did my biopsy came in, avoiding eye contact, and in a sing-song voice, said, "Hello!  How are you today?"  He smiled awkwardly, looking at the enormous packet of slides, and the giant breast cancer book he held. 

He said, "I'm afraid I have a bomb to drop on you.  It came back cancer....."  He continued on with a flurry of statements that I just heard as "cancercancercancercancercancercancercancercancer" 

He stopped briefly and looked at my glassy blank eyes, saying "Are you ok?!?"  I nodded and didn't say a word.  After he finished talking I asked him all the questions I was told to ask him (thank you, all the women who taught me!).  He had no answers, handed me a yellow post-it note with a name and number, and said, "I wish you all the best, do you need a moment in here?"  I nodded, and began a high-pitched wail that lasted for what seemed to be an eternity. 

I clung to my husband, who held on just as tightly to me and let me cry.  I remember sitting on that cheap sofa, and my husband getting up and moving closer to me so I could reach him better.  I buried my face in his lap and screamed.  Every time the tears began to slow down, I'd re-hear the doctor....

"I'm afraid I have a bomb to drop......cancercancercancercancercancer......"

 I looked at my sweet, precious baby who sat unknowingly in his stroller, happily eating cheerios the entire time.  I needed my baby and held on to him, afraid to let go.  My sweet boy had no idea what was happening to Mommy.  He obediently let Daddy pull him out of the stroller so his Mommy could hold on tight. 

It was almost as if I was afraid that if I didn't clutch my husband and son with all my might, I'd lose them. 

Or, worse, that they'd lose me. 

Oh, the things that have happened since September 29th, 2005.  All the things that went wrong....the doctor I was referred to that day had no idea I was told to come to her, and had no openings until a month later.  Like I was going sit idly and wait?  

I was told that there was time to wait, because it takes years for cancer to grow inside of you.  However, my tumor was GROWING before our very eyes.  I had a high-grade cancer, and to this day I am so glad I took it upon myself to say, "Forget you, I'm not waiting,"  I went to the American cancer society president, and a winner of the MacArthur genious grant almost immediately.  How is it I got in to see them so quickly?!?!  Oh, the Lord was working His ways. 

It was the genious doctor who saved me from that point.  She determined that my tumor was simply out of control, and while it looked to be only 2.3 cm on the surface, it went back to my chest wall and was anywhere between 7-10 cm. 

I did pre-op chemo, which had it's own list of mishaps.  I had infections galore, missed lots of treatments due to bad blood counts, and had to remind my doctor at the end of treatment that he OWED me some treatments!  I learned to FIGHT for myself. 

I had my bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction on June 15th of 2006.  The morning of surgery, my husband took a short video of me without my top on, and took pictures of my once huge DD boobs.  It makes me cry when I see the video-not because I miss my huge boobs (I do, by the way), but because I looked so sick and so terrified.  I've only watched that video a handful of times.  I can't bear to look. 

So, my amazing husband took care of me, even helping me to bathe.  What a precious man he was during my 6 weeks of recovery.  Don't get me wrong, we fought like crazy, because we had not spent so much constant time together since we were dating.  Nonetheless, he gave so much of himself to me.  Again, how do you thank someone for something like that? 

I had 36 radiation treatments, and made  the rads team a hotdog cake with hamburger cookies and french fry cake pieces.  I attached a note saying, "Some things were meant to be fried, grilled, and broiled.  My breasts aren't one of those things!"  I loved my rads team. 

Now that I am three years since dx., I am piecing my life back together.  I am getting back into life slowly but surely.  I still deal with lots of pain issues, but I have MS too, so who knows what is causing it?!?! 

Not a day goes by where I don't think of parts of my cancer journey.  I still wear my CANCER SUCKS t-shirts, and talk openly to anyone who questions it.  I stop people in the stores who are clearly going through chemo and talk to them.  I have flashed dozens of curious women my braless chest.  I don't care if they see it.  I have no humility, and besides, cancer loves to try and make us as uncomfortable with our bodies as possible.  Dangit-I am NOT going to let cancer win that struggle.  Screw you, cancer. 

Cancer has changed me, and while I would NEVER want to go through this again,  I am grateful for what I have learned during this journey.  I have learned to appreciate my husband who can drive me crazy at times.  When he makes me nuts, I remember all that he did for me. 

I have learned to appreciate each and every precious moment I have with my baby.  The same principal applies-he is a 4year old who can make me crazy!  However, I am so glad I have that opportunity to experience him growing up. 

Dear sisters, if you are beginning this journey, take heart in knowing that you have a wealth of support right here.  I love breastcancer.org, and want to say an enormous THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!  For getting me through the longest 3 years of my life.  The terror of cancer will never fully leave my heart, but the comfort of knowing the women here who walk the journey with me makes it so much easier to deal with. 

I love you all, and pray for each of us! 
Love and prayers, Deb