It's all I can think about!

kim40
kim40 Member Posts: 904
edited June 2014 in IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)

I was d/x Jan.6th - and it seems that CANCER is all I can think about!  I had my CT Scan this past week and due for my bone scan on the 23rd.  I also meet with the rad onc on the 23rd and the med onc on the 26th.  I am so scared!  It seems that the only time I don't think about it is when I'm sleeping and I may even be dreaming about it!!! And since I have been d/x - it seems that it is everywhere - as soon as I turn on a TV show, something about cancer - go to Walmart, pink ribbons on the cars and breast cancer items for sale everywhere! Today is Valentines Day and I feel that I can't even celebrate it with my husband (I had my breast removed on the 13th of Jan).  It feels that cancer has taken total control over my life.....I also have vascular invasion which is also freaking me out.  Sorry for the rant ladies, I just need to get this off my chest!

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited February 2009

    Kim40 - It's safe to say that your life as you knew it will never be the same.  All of the sudden breast cancer is not just someone else's problem - it's your life, and you'll be hyper-aware of every mention of it. 

     I never noticed how many  breast cancer obits there were in my local paper, until I was dxed.  Does that mean there were more?  No, but it was suddenly a very unwanted part of my life.

    Being consumed by your cancer is a natural part of the awful process.  For most of us, this is the worst thing that we ever expect to have happen to our bodies. It shakes us to our very core.

      Rant, rave, weep, smash things...whatever makes it easier for you to come out fighting.  Let yourself rely on others.  Let them console you and comfort you.  They're frightened, too and want to do what they can to make things all better.

    And the d*mned cancer will take over your life, especially at this point of your journey.  It not only invades your flesh, it invades your spirit, your mind, your relationships, everything that makes you, you.  But, that doesn't mean it wins. 

    You'll get your feet back under you, a little at a time.  One day, you'll feel optimistic, ready to fight with all you've got, the next day, fatalistic, what does it matter, I'm going to die...it is the nightmare roller coaster ride of breast cancer. 

     After awhile, the better days start to gain - you'll be thinking about the usual life issues a bit more and the cancer a bit less.  Especially, after your body has healed itself from the surgeries, etc.

    We all run a different race, depending on our diagnoses, but we're all racing, just the same.

    Please stay here with us, research on this site is very helpful.  The sisters here are the best.  We help each other like true sisters, because we're pretty much joined at the boob!

    Many hugs and a gentle kiss for Valentine's Day - we are warriors!

    Susan

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  • peeps1111
    peeps1111 Member Posts: 262
    edited February 2009

    Hi Kim:

    Susan is right.  Unfortunately it does take over your life.  I just finished rads and it was 8 mos. since my diagnosis.  First, surgery, then chemo, then rads, a long journey.  Next is hormone therapy, so it changes your life forever.  I think people get tired of it after a while, husbands included.  This is the best place to vent and air your fears and frustrations.  

    I had lymphovascular invasion, which has a higher rate of recurrence but my dr. told me not to worry.  I have done all the treatments and he said I am most likely cured (you never know) but I never stopped living my life during all the treatments.  I swam, I walked, I kept going and you will too.  You might want to ask your dr. for an anti-anxiety medicaion.  My dr. gave me one and I only took it some nights to sleep.  Good luck to you.  

    Peeps

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  • lovinmomma
    lovinmomma Member Posts: 1,879
    edited February 2009

    It does take over esp in the beginning. Once you get thru all the diagnosis appts and you have a plan in place,  it will slip back a bit.  Not sayiong that it is not there and you don't notice things, but it is not quite as in the front. 

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  • kim40
    kim40 Member Posts: 904
    edited February 2009

    Thank you ladies for all your support.  You are all right.  Once I meet with the docs and the plan is presented to me, I am hoping that I will get better at copeing.  All of you are so supportive and I am thankful this forum is available to all the "Newbies".

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited February 2009
    kim40 - I know you'll be busy when the you get going, but try to stop by and check out the different threads here...there is something for every part of your journey.  I even go to the "after treatment" threads now!!  It's like graduating from the beginner class to the more advanced!!  Wink
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2009

    kim40: Most of us think the time right after diagnosis is the WORST, even more so than the treatment itself as we are in limbo without a plan to work as yet. Others feel the time when treatment is over is the worst as we no longer have a plan to work and are back to wondering what fate will deal us next. Please know you aren't alone and that this board is the best! Hugs and prayers to you...

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  • marshall2000
    marshall2000 Member Posts: 110
    edited February 2009

    I agree that it is all you can think about, but i am now looking forward(sounds strange doesn;t it) to getting chemo started. I just want to get moving, get the chemo, shrink the tumor(hopefully) amd get the lumpectomy and the radiation and the hormones and just continue living my life to the fullest. I also never realized how many pink ribbons were around me until my own dx.  I am getting more involved in the local Relay For Life team and it is helping me to help others.

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  • Ivy
    Ivy Member Posts: 31
    edited February 2009

    Kim40:  the dog picture is so cute!  What's its name?  I want to say that I felt JUST like you described.  It really does get better, but I didn't know it would!  A month after diagnosis I asked for an anti-depressant because I was so sad and consumed by the cancer and the loneliness.  Certainly it has helped; but I am so aware of God helping me too.  Cancer is in the back of my mind now rather than front and center.  I finished rads Jan. 7 and was elated.  I didn't have that lost feeling I've heard about.  But I still do think and read about cancer and come to these boards because it is a chapter that will always be in my life.  Be patient, esp. with yourself.  I didn't feel like myself from the day of hearing "You need a biopsy" till about two and a half months later.  It's great to have myself back, but a more grateful and more humbled self.  Hugs!

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  • kim40
    kim40 Member Posts: 904
    edited February 2009

    The pic is my dog Gizmo - he is 5 years old and is the baby of the family.  When they say is a dogs world - it is so true!!  He is so spoiled. 

    I'm sure it will get easier as each phase passes, it is just that I'm still so early into this and it is so depressing.  I get my CT and bone scans back today and I'm really worried about those.  I'm trying to remain positive but sometimes, it is so hard.

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  • libby
    libby Member Posts: 165
    edited March 2009

    I sure can identify.  I was hoping this was all over when I had 2 lumpectomies for a very small but grade 3 DCIS 1 1/2 years ago with wide margins.  My life was getting back to normal, moving on in different arenas, having 6 month diagnostic mammograms - when something new showed up this last time, 2 weeks ago.  Stereotactic showed more DCIS but IDC now too - just a small amount on the biopsy but that doesn't tell the whole story I'm sure. Now I'm feeling paralyzed like before.  I have a vacation out of the country planned (just like when I was diagnosed the last time), but I think I'll have to cancel this time to get on with the treatment (even though I don't know what yet).  I went on my trip before and it was really difficult to enjoy .  I went with my sister and finally broke down and told her I needed to come home early - it was not a fun experience.  I am having a hard time functioning again - just going through the motions of daily life.  I do think having a plan will help and knowing I am doing everything I can to get rid of this.  My surgery appointment is tomorrow, thank goodness.

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  • Bethie1
    Bethie1 Member Posts: 393
    edited March 2009

    Kim,  First off it's OK to be scared!!! I'm 38, and was diagnosed this past Christmas 12/18/08.  What scares me even more is the fact that I hadn't even had my baseline.  I found my lump on my own, just by scratching in the right place at the right time, and never suspected cancer!!  Finally, a mastectomy was done and 2 chemos down so far!!

    Second, if you don't mind me saying so, you have to be your own advocate acknowledging what you want in your health care. I've got my sister as my health care proxy through all of this, and she is my guardian angel.  Have a health care proxy in place so you get the care you need and most importantly want. My family realized the importance of these documents when we had to place our parents in nursing homes, and I'm so glad I had one in place for my procedure.

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  • kim40
    kim40 Member Posts: 904
    edited March 2009

    Ladies - thanks for responding.  I now do have a plan in place - FEC-T x 6, followed by Herceptin for 1 year, rads and Tax for 5 years.  My bone and CT scan came back clean - thank God.  So now I start chemo tomorrow and I am looking forward to the day when I can say it is all over with!

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  • Patsycan
    Patsycan Member Posts: 9
    edited March 2009

    Hey all,

    I was dx Jan 2, 2009.  I had lumpectomy Jan22 and will be starting chemo fec-t x6 next week to be followed by 5 weeks of radiation  I have been off work since surgery and was told I would be off until all is done.  Do most people stay off work or work through it?? I have sick leave and hopefully LTD. I am from Canada so there things are little different with health coverage but I am not sure that staying home was/is the best decision.

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