One day bleeds into another

Options
FJH
FJH Member Posts: 40
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I am now at my lowest. I have no ambition, find no joy in my family or things that used to give me pleasure and don't know a way out. My marriage ended due to an affair after 29 years. One year later I was dx with bc, went through this pretty much alone. My son who has struggled with major depression is having serious marital problems. I have coped fairly well until I was fired (unfairly) and have been 8 months out of work, with little prospects. Every day I pep talk myself to get moving on something, anything and every day I find myself sitting in my chair in front of the television, (so I won't think). It isn't laziness, I am paralyzed in my ability to do anything. I don't care how I look, I basically isolate myself from everyone. I can't make myself answer the phone, I let the machine take the calls. Sleep comes for 3 hours at best then wide awake.

I am not suicidal but I have no desire to live. This brings incredible guilt! I was given a second chance at life after my treatment for bc while so many others have lost the battle and others still face daily fear and misery with ongoing treatments. I am wasting my gift. I do recognize that this is a clinical depression. I am taking an antidepressant and xanax for when anxiety rears it's head but I don't see a way out of this. I am struggling with financial woes so seeking out help is limited.

I think everything has just simply caught up to me and frankly I'm just so tired of it all. Thank you for letting me say this out loud, so to speak. This is my "dirty little secret", I do not share this with my family or friends.

Fran

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • ICanDoThis
    ICanDoThis Member Posts: 1,473
    edited February 2009

    I PM'ed you, but it's important to say...

    What you describe sounds like true clinical depression. You are entitled to not feel this way.

     Please, try to summon the energy to ask someone to help you - call your dr's office, or call the social work office at the hospital where your cancer was treated, or call a hotline.

    But reach out to sources that can help more than we can.

    {{{{{FRAN}}}}}}

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2009

    Fran - the fact that you reached out to us makes me proud of you. You are suffering and I wish you would contact the doctor that prescribed your meds and talk to them about adjusting them. This is a first step that won't cost much. It may not cost anything for a "phone consult", and if your doctor has been treating you for a while, a phone call may help a lot. Please let us know what happens after you make the call. Do it for yourself right away. Keep us posted. Hugs and prayers...

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited February 2009

    Fran - I agree!  Please reach out to your doctor.  Whatever you're on may not be right for you, and there are so many different types of antidepressants now.  If your doctor understands your financial plight, he may give you free samples. You have been through hell and back, and you deserve a better existance than the one you are in right now.  It's sounds trite, but help is a phone call away!

    You were brave to share your "dirty secret" - now go that little bit more and get help!  So many of us have been there, truly, and it's no place to be!

    Hugs

    Susan

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • desdemona222b
    desdemona222b Member Posts: 776
    edited February 2009

    Hi, Fran -

    I've been there and done that several times.  I do particularly badly if I'm not working - it just messes me up to no end.  I was only home for 3 weeks after my lumpectomy, and I got so depressed I couldn't even see straight.  I was so grateful not to have been incapacitated any longer than I was.

    You've been through some seriously traumatic, soul-destroying events in your life that have left you with this painful depression.

    I don't know where you live, but most communities provide free or very inexpensive psychiatric care for those who are struggling to pay for such things.  The counties in the state where I live all have Mental Health Clinics that operate on a sliding scale.  In addition to that, if you call the Suicide Hotline (and I know you're not technically suicidal, but my shrink told me that when you don't want to live anymore, that is very serious), sometimes they can refer you to a free or low-cost clinic that obtains grants to help you with counseling and psychiatric care.  My son went to such a place about a year ago as he was very depressed but had no job or health insurance. 

    It sounds like you need to be on a different type of anti-depressant.

    Anyway, don't beat yourself up on top of everything else - nothing to feel guilty about when you're incapacitated with depression. 

    One other thing -  during some of my deepest depressions, I have found things to latch onto that help me realize that life is still worthwhile.  I got interested in Mozart during one such depression - his music REALLY SAVE ME.  No kidding!

    Hope you get to feeling better.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • EWB
    EWB Member Posts: 2,927
    edited February 2009

     Fran,

    it can all be so overwhelming! Too many things happening at the same time; I am so sorry you are having a hardgo of it right now. Remember that you are not alone here; come any time to rant, rave, cry, yell, be sad, laugh, have company, ask questions, share, what eve. I so wish I had some magic words to make things better but I don't. Just get thru one day at a time.

    Something thathas helped me along the way (feel free to substitute God for whatever works for you). M<y prayers and gentle hugs are with you...Elaine

    When One Door Closes In Our Lives, God Always Opens Another
    Sometimes when we
    least expect it,
    A door closes in our lives.
    Circumstances may change,
    dreams may get shattered,
    And plans for tomorrow
    may disappear.
    But when one door closes,
    God always opens another.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • FJH
    FJH Member Posts: 40
    edited February 2009

    Thank you all from the bottom of my heart! I am in the blackest place I have ever been and I'm scared. Just writing out my feelings was helpful and your responses have reinforced what I already knew, I need help. I have made an appointment with the therapist I had during my divorce and also one with my gp to evaluate a change in meds. This has crept up on me over a long period of time and I now realize I should have addressed it sooner, I couldn't see the forest for the trees.

    I so appreciate being able to come here. No one else relates like my sisters!! For now I am trying hard to turn this over to God, I so need relief.

    Thank you,

    Fran

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited February 2009

    Oh, Fran - I'm tearing up as I read your post.  Sometimes I feel as though I shouldn't spend so much time here, but when I see how we support each other, I know I'm in the right place.

    Bless your heart for taking such big steps!!  I'm so proud of you for being so strong.

    Big hugs!!

    Susan

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Traci-----TripNeg
    Traci-----TripNeg Member Posts: 2,298
    edited February 2009

    Fran,

    I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. I can relate.

    I would like to add just one thing to the wonderful advice already given. When your in front of the t.v., put a funny movie on. Don't watch anything sad or dramatic. You might find yourself laughing in spite of yourself! I don't know if you have cable or not, but right now, The Jerk with Steve Martin is on HBO!

    I spend a lot of time in front of the t.v. I watched the movie 2 Weeks with Sally Field a few weeks ago.....MISTAKE! Stay away from that one.

    I also find that someone is always.....online here. Not once have I come onto this site where there was noone to reach out to.

    Hugs girl,

    Traci

    PS You might also try the chat room. There are a bunch of great girls in there and lots going on to keep your mind occupied. :-)

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • LRM216
    LRM216 Member Posts: 2,115
    edited March 2009

    To Fran - Today is March 26th - please post and let us know how you are doing?

    Linda

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • dreamwriter
    dreamwriter Member Posts: 3,255
    edited March 2009

    Fran:

    I hope that you have turned the TV off.  I hope that just getting dressed to see the therapist and your doctor makes the day that much lighter.  I hope that they help you and that your family and your life become something that makes you feel fulfilled.  I hope that you know that we all care about you.

    We hold our breath waiting to hear how you are doing.   ((((((fran))))))

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • FJH
    FJH Member Posts: 40
    edited March 2009

    So sorry to have been absent for awhile.

    My story continues.... I went to the therapist as well as my gp and just started to actively push myself forward when my DIL called saying that my son (the one with depression) had left Indiana and she had received a call from Park Memorial Hosp. in Dallas asking for insurance info with no info other than he had been brought to the ER by the Dallas police!! She was worried but just turned it all over to me!!!!  As I stated before, their marriage has been in trouble since just before Christmas, so maybe that explains her putting me in charge.

    Well, my worst fears for him have come to pass. He had a major psychotic manic episode. It has been suspected for most of his life that he has Bipolar Disorder but till now he has struggled with the depressive side only, he now has the manic which confirms the dx. There is a strong family history , my Mom, 2 of my brothers and my sister's son.

    It took the better part of a week and so much investigation on my part to get the details and troubleshoot his return. I won't get into the whole story only to say, he was in a hit and run accident, (no one hurt, thank God!) left his car and wondered for 5 miles until he called 911 from a payphone. It was severe, he was very psychotic. I flew down to Texas to get him and we drove back to Michigan in his car. He is now here with me on a slow recovery back to himself. It's so hard for us both. His wife does'nt understand the illness and for now does not want him to come home. I can't judge her for that.

    I am okay with my own struggles but when it's my baby boy, I really wonder what it's all for? What are we suppose to learn here? I did run into many angels on my journey to bring him home, most especially his Grama for giving me the money so I could! Well, my worry for him has snapped me out of myself for now but at his expense! Please say a little prayer for Ryan, I would appreciate it very much.

    Thank you,  Fran 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited March 2009

    Fran - Of course we'll pray for your son.  I hope he finds the right meds to help him through this.  It is so heartbreaking to see your children suffer and not be able to fix things.  My own son has had drug/alcohol addiction most of his life, his recent drug of choice - opium. 

     I never knew until this summer just how much pain he was in all these years.  When he found out about my cancer last summer, he went to pieces.  I posted about him last fall and asked for prayers for him, as well, because he finally decided to get off the drugs.  This is the first time ever, and I can credit my cancer and the prayers from these sisters here for getting him to this point. 

    So, keep the faith and we'll keep praying.

    Hugs,

    Susan

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • BFidelis
    BFidelis Member Posts: 156
    edited April 2009

    Fran -

    All I can say is huge hugs to you.  I'll keep praying, you keep on believing.  We'll all make it through together.

    Peace,

    Beth

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories