Mental Anguish

Jeff, this whole diagnosis is overwhelming for the "victim" as well as the family.  It involves incredible trauma to your body, your emotions, your views on life and death, as well as sexual issues.  It is also very lonely, because no one can totally understand if they don't walk in these shoes.  You sound very compassionate, but I think you have to give her time.  She feels terrible, has no idea how she will respond to treatment, and for her, I am sure how she views her body now is different. I am not saying all women feel this way.  Some may feel it is a bump in the road, but I can say for myself I feel like I am climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in my underwear.  Come here for support.  These women are so great.  Take care, Maryiz

Jeff,  There are many aspects of treatment that affect mood.  Treatment involves the use of steroids that affect the brain, the AC chemo is known to affect the frontal part of the brain which affects memory, executive function, and emotion, the treatments cause huge variations in hormone levels which affect the parts of the brain that control our emotions.  Add to that the depression of the immune system, the death of cells throughout the body that need repair,  the overwhelming fatigue that is cumulative with each treatment, the interference with sleep, the magnitude of loss associated with the diagnosis, etc., etc.  Most people also hurt everywhere.  It is normal to feel isolated, afraid, sad, out of control emotionally, and totally wonder "who am I, now?"  As treatment continues the effects accumulate, and our ability to deal with the changes becomes more impaired. It's a real roller coaster. Speaking strictly for myself, all of this happened. I can tell you that all I needed from the people I love was space, time, and hugs.  I'm sure they didn't even recognize me at times.

Is she taking little green pills before each treatment? My husband took something called decadron before some treatments. They prevented reactions and enhanced the action of the drugs.

I'll tell you, in the days afterwards when he'd quit taking them he was obnoxious! One time he yelled at me for putting peanuts on his ice cream sundae. Like that was a bad idea? He likes peanuts.  Even our son said, "dad, give it a break".

My solution to steroid withdrawal is lots of a little pill called avitian. Encourage your wife to take her meds. If she's bouncing around being nasty to you she's not feeling well herself. Just because she's not throwing up doesn't mean she doesn't need to take her meds!

Very few people are cranky when taking that, and oftentimes they'll drift off to sleep.

Hi, Jeff,

Just wanted to welcome you and thank you for being there for your wife.

You've gotten some very good advice. BMdaley mentioned decadron (a pre-chemo steroid). Let me just add that taking this pill made me worry more about losing my mind than having cancer. My boyfriend would come home from work, and he'd find me either shaking in my shoes from an episode off "CSI" or crying over a TV commercial. That's so totally not me. The irrational portion of my brain had a bloody field-day on that drug. Add to that the general state of fear that goes with a bc diagnosis. Your wife may be experiencing either or both, and believe me, it makes you kinda crazy.

Something I tell every guy who comes here...don't be hard on yourself because you can't fix this. That's the oncologist's job. It's going to be frustrating for you because you're going to want to fix this, which will make it frustrating for your wife. Just listen to her when she needs to talk or cry or scream or rant. Don't try to fix what she's feeling, either. The only times I really snarled at my boyfriend were when he tried to "fix" what I was feeling. Don't go there.

The last piece of wisdom I'll share is, don't read articles published on the Internet that are older than 2005. And remember that anything published now is based on studies that began more than five years ago, so although you're reading the most current research, it's already old statistics and possibly outdated therapies. Good luck and best wishes to you both!

All these ladies have good info for you.  You might also want to talk to the oncologist, or nurse, or social worker, or nurse practioner at the cancer center.  They may be able to help both your wife and yourself; probably have dealt with this before.

Hang in there, you will get thru this. It is an amazingly stressful time for everyone.

My prayers are with you.

Elaine

Hi - just ran into this thread - perhaps Rose meant to write "Ativan?" That's an anti-anxiety drug that is similar to Xanax, I believe.

Leaf - that's some story about the Decadron!  I will be starting chemo sometime in mid-March and I will definitely remember that!  As you said, not everyone reacts in the same way to steroids - but that is really something!

I'm right up there with the people blaming the steroids - that's exactly the kind of response that could be expected. I suggest a talk with the oncologist about it. When I was doing chemo I realized that the steroids were keeping me up and asked if we could shorten the amount of time I needed to take them after chemo and she did make that change and it helped a lot. (She'd had me on a taper, which isn't really necessary for the very short amount of time that it was actually needed for the chemo.)

Must say, I was recently on prednisone for a terrible ear infection and LOVED it. Nothing hurt. My energy was good. LOVED it. People tend to either get up or crazy with it. I had one patient once say that he "was outside cutting the lawn with toenail clippers at 3 in the morning" and I actually believed him because these things can do that to you!

Anyway, bear with it. Don't take it personally. She's probably wondering why she's doing it too. It'll all be over soon.