Failing relationship

D - so sorry to hear you are experiencing such painful emotions.  You don't deserve it and I wish I could send you a hug.

It can do good even if you go alone.  You can learn many ways to become strong for yourself.  I sought counseling and ended up going by myself.  Actually I'm glad I did because I was able to work things out and concentrate on healing myself first.  It made me a much stronger person. 

Counseling isn't always easy - it can bring up painful emotions.  But just like physical therapy, you have to work through the pain to get to the other side. 

I'm wishing you the best ~

I am not in your shoes, so I can't say...but perhaps he is scared and just doesn't know how to comfort you or handle his own emotions.

Having said that.....if it were up to men to handle the things that women do....well....I don't know. I just feel like women have a tendency to step up to the plate and do what's got to be done.....men run the world (poorly might I add)...but honestly sometimes they are just big babies. 

 Therapy is amazing,...yes it can be painful in the beginning but letting go of all that pain will eventually feel great....and then...once that's out of the way....it gets fun...getting to understand and know yourself better...figuring out what you really want.

 I am going for tests next week...and if they come back positive....I know I will have a similar reaction from the man in my life....I tried to tell him I felt scared....and he said..."I'm not built like that...I can't think about it right now"....well excuse me...were we talking about YOU???

Hang in...there are a lot of people on here who are sending you love!

 hugs

Char

Hi D -- I can empathize.  Cancer is a non-topic with my partner.  Sure, he's scared, in denial, blah, blah, blah.  But hey, I'm the one that has cancer.  Step up to the plate buddy!  It helped that I sat him down and told him how sick/achy/tired I was, what I needed.  Not whiney, but an honest conversation, well, mostly me talking.  Part was my fault in trying to protect him, not letting on how I felt so awful.  I changed that, if I need help or just a hug I ask.  Yeah, it would be nice not having to ask...

Go to the therapist even if he doesn't go with you.  Even if he does, book some appointments just for just for you.  It's bad enough trying to get through this without being let down by the one you love and loves you.  Get on the phone Monday and schedule an appt with a therapist.  Maybe your chemo center has a therapist there -- she/he might have some special insight.  If not, they can probably recommend a therapist that has experience with cancer and family issues.

Let us know what you do, how it goes.  We care about you.

Elizabeth

xooox

It really breaks my heart to hear this D.  And no - it isn't okay for him to be an ass.  I mean, we can all be jerks every once in a while, but when he consistently acts like that it is immature.  This year definitely is about you.  YOU need support and care.  YOU need to be healthy and as stress free as possible to heal and face the treatment.  YOU need to be lifted up and loved.  I just cannot understand any partner that will not be supportive and put themselves on the sidelines while this is going on for you.  YOU didn't ask for this and YOU didn't DO THIS TO HIM.  And while he has a reason to be scared, that doesn't give him a reason to be an ass. 

I had similar symptoms of just wanting to sleep so I didn't have to deal with things.  I had no interest in normal things I had always liked to do and some days just didn 't want to even talk.  You need to get some help.  You CAN feel better and get bakc to a place where you can learn to deal with everyday things.

Please DO see the therapist.  As I and others said,  you need to help YOU.  You can learn great techniques for stress reduction, for talking to others, to learn to be assertive (that doesn't mean aggressive) and how to get your needs and wants out there and respected.  You will be a better person for it.  I very much agree with Elizabeth - you could also seek out a therapist that my specialize in cancer patients.  Just a thought.  I truly believe if you are ready to make some changes, a therapist can help you get there.  You do deserve to be happy and healthy and enjoy your life. 

Big hugs (((((((( D ))))))))) and lots of prayers heading your way

Amy

Much luck D!  Your epiphany is right on!  You  CAN change how you react to things. And therapy is a wonderful way to learn to do that.  You just have to want to open those doors and you can be on your way to feeling much healthier!

Let us know how it goes!!

Amy

D, I can relate to your experience.  Although I had the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde husband, depending on what day it was.  He wanted to be there for me, he was there for me at times, but then at others he was a real jerk.  Unfortunately, the jerk always seemed to be there when I was feeling the most vulnerable.  

I talked a lot with the women I came in contact with during my testing, a support group after my surgery, and my best friends.  They all thought I was being amazing and strong, but they were also there for me when I was at the end of my rope.  A quick phone call and they'd let me spill whatever I was feeling or dealing with.

With my husband, well, he was good, but not great.  He was good in that he went to every appt. with me and helped me take notes and remind me when I had certain questions to ask.  Important support, but not the same as what I got from my gals.  And, on days he was feeling particularly whatever, he'd actually be mean to me.  I'd feel like, sure, kick me while I'm down, that's helpful.  And I felt no one else knew all this so I felt very alone.  

I came to understand I'm much stronger than I thought I was.  I came to know a lot about myself and the way I handle a crisis.  I also came to know a lot about my husband, his strengths, weaknesses, and how he doesn't do well in a crisis, when he can't be in control.  I have mostly forgiven him for the nasty things he's said and done while I felt like crap (still working on a few things that pop into my mind now and then).  I've heard that cancer is a time when family members either come together or the stress pulls you apart.   Supposedly the weaknesses or fault-lines in a marriage can be where the stress creates an additional wedge.  My experience was that it was a combination of all these things.  A growing apart and then growing back together with greater understanding.

I'm sure the BC has your husband angry, mad, sad, confused, scared, lost.  He's lost the you he's known as a partner, and he's feeling all the emotions that accompany a loss.  (He's missing the D that's happy, carefree, nurturing, sexy, lets him have center stage, the D that does all the roles and things in your marriage that he's come to rely on.)  Like most men, he doesn't like feeling out of control.  He's probably having a hard time seeing this as a process he has to ride out.  

I agree therapy can be helpful, as well as support from friends/BC peers you can share your thoughts and feelings.  If your husband can't be there emotionally right now, perhaps he needs to have a "to do" list of things that will support you and make him feel like he has some control.  That way it can still be all about you, but he will know how to participate in this process.  

I called my husband's friends at one point and asked them to take him out (please, get him out of my hair!), and to call and ask how he was doing every so often.  I figured if this cancer thing was dragging me down and I needed support, then he must too.  Guys don't always need to talk as much as us gals do, but my husband enjoyed going out to dinner, seeing a movie, doing things with his buddies to get his mind off me and my BC.  

D, I hope it gets better for you.  I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.  Here's a big hug.

Tina

Edited:  P.S. -- I just wanted to add that things still aren't perfect here, but we're working on it.  Don't want to give you the idea my life is just fine, like old times, because it isn't.  I'm hoping our relationship will continue to improve and adjust as I make it past certain milestones.

Hi D,

Oh boy, what a lot you have been going through with your sons and Mom. 

What's with these men???  I'm not married but in a commited relationship -- I had to cab it to the hospital for my lumpectomy, re-excision, and ovaries out, graced with a drive home for only re-ex and ovaries.  Yeah, no hugs -- sometimes a joke one, pats on the back and sarcastic "there, there".

But back to you -- I think your girlfriend and therapist will be able to help you deal with the let-down of your husband.  I don't know what to say.  I've just accepted my guy as-is.  Is your girlfriend close enough to your husband that she could say something, or would that make things worse?  My guy is private too and would find it meddling.  But if one of his guy friends knew how you felt maybe they would say something.  Most men worth their salt don't want to see a friend's wife sad.  My guy's cousin saw him being an a$$hole and gave him sh*t.

Will you go to the therapist again?  Maybe he/she can help you sort out if you want to keep the marriage and how to make it work.  Hopefully your husband will realize that he needs to work, on the marriage and helping you.  Keep us in the loop.  You are indeed a very strong woman, but one who needs and deserves hugs!!!  If our men could get it through their head that a good, loving hug would mean the world to us!!!!!

Elizabeth

Hi D !

So glad that your dad is there for a visit - sounds like you are happy he is there. 

Maybe you are correct that your friend called....hmmmm. 

It is okay that you cried through the first visit.  Most of the time, opening that gate for the first time is the best way to relieve some tension and fear.  You have to give yourself permission to grieve, to feel pain, to be angry and to feel weak sometimes.  Its okay.  You'll learn that its okay, through your exploring it all with your therapist.  It can be difficult, but keep with it. You deserve to be happy & healthy.

You know, IMHO, I think men believe being supportive & compassionate IS hard to do!  I've known some that view it as a weakness - not as an enriching experience that makes you grow.  If they can't solve it or make it go away - it is just too frustrating to deal with.   Gee - maybe its a nurturing gene we have??!!!  LOL!

All the best -

Amy

Well Elizabeth the D stands for all those and more too!  Like Da&n husband, Dork Husband....you're right there are so many.

But I think most times people intend it as Dear or Darling!  

Amy

Edited to add: love your cat pic!

Hi, D

I haven't been on BC.org for a few days as I'm trying to get a grip on my schedule -- which isn't occupied with that much, but I'm still having trouble.  Another story for a different thread.  Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling better and Dad is visiting.  That is good DH is being nice -- whatever the cause.  So sorry you are having the biopsy while he is away.  Will Dad still be there or will a friend be able to accompany you?  

As far as the Valentines Day thing goes, my husband and I have a long-standing tradition of making valentines for each other.  The crappier and more over the top, the better!!  I'm talking construction paper, glitter, paper doilies, the works.  I don't recall how the whole thing started but it's just for fun.  There have been some years we've missed, or one or the other of us has missed.  Actually, I am guilty of being the first one to miss, and last year was the second time and I told DH I didn't want him to give me his valentine because I felt so guilty and sad.  (I was in the middle of my BC testing and diagnosis.)  So he held onto it and perhaps it will come out today sometime.  Yesterday I made his when a moment of inspiration struck -- I ran construction paper through the paper shredder, glued these little bits onto a card and incorporated them as part of the design.   Doesn't it sound beeyootiful!!!??  I gave it to him last night around midnight.  He's been in a funk all week and kind of stressed out.  Today I gave him a ready-made card that had a squirrel on it, just because we always laugh about monkeys and squirrels.  Can you tell we'll a couple of mature adults?  Anyway, he's out and about right now trying to gather items for tonight's dinner with several friends.  Was supposed to be hosted elsewhere but our friend had unplanned surgery today.  A few couples had already bought and/or cooked food so the event got moved to our place.  Not a romantic evening, but a nice dinner with close friends.  

I wish you a pleasant day and a Happy Birthday!

Hugs,

Tina  

konakat, I think DH is for dickhead....LOL

Well...most of the time anyway

D, it's good to hear your therapy appt. went well.  You've really had to deal with a lot in such a short time.  I'm sure your DH can't grasp the level of your loss, but it seems like he is trying in his own way.  What a wonderful Valentines dinner, and the necklace sounds like a lovely birthday gift.  I know that's no substitute for physical contact though.   

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hope everything goes well with your biopsy.

Tina 

I'm glad the biopsy went well.  What a guy -- perhaps the lovely Valentine's Day is his way of showing affection.  Mine is shovelling snow. :-)  If he's feeling left out, why doesn't he just take you in his arms and whisper, how's it going?   They are so thick sometimes.

And the making fun of you -- mine's the same way -- his way to deal with stress.  Hey, if you weren't in Colorado I'd start to think we had the same guy!

D, I am so glad your biopsy went well.  Yippee!!  I will keep my fingers crossed for Wed.'s results.  Sorry about the check bouncing.  Don't know what to say, except what's my excuse?  I didn't even have chemo and I do goofy stuff, forget appts, etc.  You have a lot on your mind right now.  We're all human and these things happen.

Left out.  Your husband feels left out because you have cancer and he doesn't?  Gee, what a concept!  Somehow that doesn't generate a lot of sympathy from me.  Esp. since he was OOT when you had your biopsy -- I don't know the circumstances, but I would think he would have at least said he felt bad you had to go it alone.  

D, forgive me for asking, but have you actually spelled out exactly what you'd like from him?  Hugs, no teasing (about things related to your cancer and treatment that you have no control over, or in general since you may be feeling more sensitive), more time together, etc.  Praise for what he does right can be helpful, too.  Maybe he needs your working definition of "a full-time husband".  Konakat is right, they can be so thick sometimes!  I really hate it when it works the opposite for him in reverse as well -- like I'm a mind reader and should know what his needs are!!  Talk to me, baby!!!

Also, have you directly asked him where his head's at right now regarding your cancer, sex, cuddling, etc.?  I know these things are awkward to discuss, but when there's a calm, relaxed time perhaps he would be willing to talk?  Maybe take things in small steps so it's not too much for him if he's not a talkative or emotionally expressive guy.

My husband and I had to do all these things.  We still do it.  My DH is a big teaser, too.  I finally told him that ALL teasing was off-limits while I was going through my diagnosis, after surgery, and during the expansion process.  It just made me cry so easily and I thought it was cruel given my stress level.  Had to remind him a couple of times but he finally got with the program.  We also had the awkward sex talks -- I'm the guilty one with no libido -- but it helped him feel better that it wasn't for forever and that I still find him attractive.  

Tina 

Meggy, thank you for saying that.  It's a very insightful suggestion and might just work on myself!!  I've already come to the conclusion my libido isn't going to perk up out of nowhere and that I need to generate some enthusiasm.  Hopefully the effort and results will be reinforcing -- goodness knows my DH would be pleased.

Tina