My Mom is dying a hard death.

Susieq ~ I don't have any advice to offer except to concur with wha anianiau has said above. In my only experiences with this the meds certaintly did cause halucinations. Everything else stated above seems to make good sense to me. So, I only wish to offer my support and admiration for the job you are doing. Hospice care is never an easy thing but you seem to be doing extremely well in a very difficut situation. I admire your strenght and courage. Please let us know how YOU are doing and come back to vent as much as you need to.

Dear Sue. First.. I am so sorry.. so so sorry.

Second. To answer your question: my  grandfathers cancer went to his brain. He began cursing, saying horrible things.. getting confused.. and non of these things were his personality. They did say it was the cancer.

I have know people that are on massive amounts of pain meds... do the same thing.

Gods Love to you...... so sorry            (((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))

(((Sue)))  It's nice to see you again, although the circumstances aren't great...no words of wisdom, just wanted to pass on a hug.

For what it's worth, I cared for my mother for 3 years before she died. My brother bought a house for her right around the corner from me. I had 3 kids at home, worked full time and after work, I cooked dinner, took dinner to mom, stayed with her until bedtime, got her to bed, went home and took care of my house.  On weekends, I did her laundry and shower.  In the end, she had a commode in the living room and was catheterized.  She would call me in the middle of the night if she had to go to the bathroom.  I was by her side all day and all night the day before she dies and I was right there when she passed away.  I love my mother and it was her wish to stay at home.  I don't regret a single thing that I did for my mother.  But....I have already told my children, I don't want that for me!  If it gets to the point where I require that kind of care, I want to be in a nursing home.  I don't want my family to have to take care of me like that.  I have one son who's pretty adamant that he will never put me in a nursing home because that is not how I raised him.  I took care of grandma and he's going to take care of me, but I hope that, when the time comes, he respects my wishes.  I really would rather die all by myself.  I don't want my family to remember that moment.  I also don't want a wake.  I think calling hours/wakes and barbaric.  I've had to stand in a room in a funeral parlor with a mother, father and brother.  Who ever thought up the idea of making a family stand with their dead loved one for hours on end.  I will have a memorial service at my church where family and friends can pay their respects, but that's it

Has your mother ever expressed her desires?

I would go to ACS first and see where they lead you.  I love your avatar - what a cutie.  I also bought a portfolio from the Current catalog called "Information my Family Needs to Know."  It's a kit where you can write down everything your family will need to know when you're gone.  It doesn't matter if that happens this week, this year, or this decade.  You can always write in pencil and change it later.  It's helped me think about things I might otherwise forget like what songs I'd like to have sung, people I would like to give eulogies, etc.  I have a will and a power of attorney and a living will and a health care proxy - we've had them for years even before either one of us were sick.  The kit wasn't very expensive and I think it was worth the money to have everything in one place for my family to go to.

Has hubby ever had someone close to him die?  If so, ask him how it made him feel to stand in that receiving line.  If not, ask him to think about wakes he's gone to.  What does he think the family remembers?  Do they remember the people who came to offer their condolences or do they now have a lasting memory emblazened in their minds of their loved one in a casket?  I think that, sans casket, the family would have a better chance of focusing on the condolences.  

Of course, that's just my opinion and I can only hope my family follows my wishes.  

I'm sorry about what you're going through..I know it's stressful, sad, and hard.  My mom had brain mets, but hers was not in her frontal lobe which is where most tumors are that cause personality changes.  Do you know where your mom's is?  Did they ever do an MRI before she got to hospice to check if there were mets in her brain?  I was wondering if maybe she has some swelling in her brain that could be causing that..has she had any seizures or nausea or headaches?  Also, is she on any steroids?  My mom went through a very crazy stage, she was acting crazy, and we couldn't figure out why, until we discovered it was actually the steroids she was on for the swelling in her brain.  They were able to give her some medications and decrease the dose of her steroids which got her back to her normal self.  Your mom's situation sounds similar to how my mom was acting with her steroid psychosis.  My mom was very paranoid and wouldn't ever let me give her her medications because I guess she didn't trust me in that state, but she would let my dad.  I would definitly contact her nurse and/or doctor if you can about what's going on with your mom.   I wish you the best of luck.  You're being a great daughter.  She's lucky to have you. 

Check with your hospice and find out if they have a hospice only facility in your area.  In my mom's area they had a facility just for hospice.  It was not in a nursing home or hospital.  It was a great place, with great nursing staff all the rooms had a window to the pond area, with tons of bird feeders, so lots of birds, squirrels and animals to look at. 

I will say that my grandfather passed from prostate cancer, extemsive mets to pelvic, femer, then to the rest of the organs.  He went to a nursing home once they found out that he had a broken hip.  As things progressed he was on a lot of pain medication.  He had wanted to go home a lot.  They put a big mat on the floor next to his bed because he would try to get up, but couldn't because of the broken hip, etc.  Well, to his demands of when am i going home, can you take me home to his many grown kids.  They would respond, ow you have to wait until xx another sibling was coming later on.  So, it put his mind at ease.  It was really hard on everyone, to be lying, but to keep him calm, it was the right thing to do.  Of course he asked that often, and just would respond in a calm manner, he would do ok and have to wait until another sibling  would arrive.

 You might want to have the hopsice people give you some tips on dealing with your mom when she gets aggitated, and give your other family members the tips too. That way you can minimize some of the stress.  Its a hard thing to deal with when you parents faculities go.  The day we took mom to hopsice was a bad day.  Mom was always worried about the expense, and the bills,etc, even though she had coverage, and they had money sacked away in retirement accounts.  Such the planner and care taker she was.  So, so my dad and myself each talked with the hospice worker, and both agreed it was a plan to take her to hospice.  Then we talked with mom w. the hospice worker.  She new it was getting to hard for us to take care of her.  She couldn't walk, and we were having a rough time getting her to the batheroom, and such situations.  When talking with the hospice nurse, mom was asking question, like about the money, etc.  I was just very calming, and told her that insurance would be covered and things would be fine.  

The worst part was when we had to  get her take some pain meds before the trip to hospice.  Since it was a lot of movement, it was important to get some extra meds in her then before the trip.  It was rough and felt so bad lying about giving her those pills, but knew it was for the best.  As we always asked at her regular intervals how much pain meds she wanted, or she would say she was having break thru pain and needed something.    One word of advice, which i wasn't aware of.  They take your pills w/ you to hospice. Well, make sure you have out and put in a container for immediate use for the next 4-5 hours.  Because after transport, and intake, they have to recount all the pills, and do an evaluation.  you don't want a pain pill time, or important pill time to be missed because they are still doing intake.  I didn't realize how long intake would take. 

Can you get a hospice aide to come out for a time 4-8 hours.  Give you guys a break.  When the hospice aid is there.  You can kind of make them the bad guy, instead of you being the bad guy.  It was hard at the hospice to tell mom no, even if it needed to been done.  The hospice aid said when some things come up, come get us and we will deal with it.  my mom didn't want to use the depends, she wanted the bathroom, or the portable pody chair thing.  So, the hospice aides said to get them when it happened, and they would be the bad person. 

The hospice aides are there to help you out.  Some areas can get more help than areas depending on the patient load, and staffing in the areas even if you are choosing to stay at home. 

Best of luck in this trying time.  Your are the best daughter in the world for taking care of your mom.  Its going to be a bumpy ride for while but your strong and can get thru this rough time.  Enjoy the moments you have with your mom, that are calm and peaceful and wonderful.  Keep those with you... remember the outbursts aren't your mom, its the cancer.

Connie

From what I read you suspect your mother has brain mets.  I had much the same behaviour when I was delusional from a UTI (Uterine Tract Infection) and it had gone sepsis.  It seems I contained the fever in my abdomen but mental reacted as if in a high fever.  I was unable to sleep, repeated conversations over and over, bending to pick things up as if I had no spine mets... etc... I was finally taken to hospital and put on anti-biotics.  Within an hour of the first one, I was starting to return to "normal" mentally for me.  The other part of the equation was that I was dehydrated even though I was guzzling water and going to bathroom often (but only a little at a time).

When I told a friend about this, she said her 93 yr old mother had the same symptoms and it was a bladder infection. 

Im not saying that your mother doesnt have brain mets.  Im just throwing this out there, just in case... I had a CT scan and a MRI and had NO brain mets.... thank heavens.

My condolences to you and your family.