Just lost mom, feeling like its my fault

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TMB2357
TMB2357 Member Posts: 6
edited June 2014 in Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care

My mother was diagnosed with BC this past July 08 with mets to bone and liver. She passed Jan 09. During this period I was her primary caregiver. I am close with my mom. Now, I am just wondering how I missed all the signs -- as she went from BC to mets. She was still working and involved in her community. Just in May she helped me to plan a bridal shower for a freind. I feel like I should have noticed something and reminded her to get a mammo. I know she always got them in the past. The thing I really dont understand is that she has a hysterorectomy on June 18 09. How, do you have surgery and they dont see any signs of the cancer in the blood work. So, many questions going through my head about what should and could have been. When she passed we were out of town for 2 days on the beach to get her spirits up. It seemed like she was at a peak, walking again, no longer needing a catheter or anything. Then all of a sudden lower leg pain, took her to ER, they gave her some pain meds and sent her home. It was early the next morning that she passed. It was so unexpected at that time -- just one day before we all had dinner together and great conversation.

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  • Bren-2007
    Bren-2007 Member Posts: 6,241
    edited February 2009

    Dear TMB,

       I feel every ounce of your pain.  You sound like a wonderful and loving daughter.  That's what your mom needed.

       My dad died two days ago of esophageal cancer with mets throughout his body and organs.  He was diagnosed just six weeks ago.  I remembered thinking when I saw him last year he seemed thinner and less strong and active.  Had he been diagnosed 2 years ago when he first started having trouble swallowing, he would have been going through surgery, rads and chemo these past two years. 

       My dad was vibrant, active, fun loving, charismatic and charming.  My heart is broken, but I would not have wanted him to spend the last two years all beat up.  Instead, he was active in his avocado orchards, taking care of his chickens and having his usual Beefeater each night.

      Esophageal cancer is much like pancreatic cancer.  It spreads fast and most treatment is palliative.

       Your mom died in a beautiful place with you nearby.  I was able to see my dad about three weeks ago and he was shell of his old self.  But I'm so grateful I got to see him before he died.

    Sending you lots of love,

    Bren

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  • heatherpalmerton
    heatherpalmerton Member Posts: 2,247
    edited February 2009

    TMB and Bren, I am so sorry for your loss, It is very difficult to see your love ones go through this. I lost my mother Aug 1 1997. I oftened wondered what I could have done to make it better, should of I taken her to the doctor more. Were there signs I missed. The comfort I found in this was that I was lucky enough to have had a conversation with one month prior to her passing. At that time she told me she was so ready to meet her maker. Even though my mother has been gone for a long while, I do have the wonderful memories of her and knowing that she is in a peaceful place with no pain brings me comfort. I hope as time goes by, your sadness can be replaced with laughter and beautiful memories sending many gentle hugs, Heather

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  • Bren-2007
    Bren-2007 Member Posts: 6,241
    edited February 2009

    Dear Heather,

       Thank you for your kind words.  I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.  It's such a comfort to hear of your wonderful memories of her. 

       My dad had the signs and symptoms of his cancer two years before he was diagnosed palliative with extensive mets.  Am I angry that his doctor did nother when he presented with the obvious symptoms two years ago .. you bet.  I wish I had known about this two years ago.  But I didn't.  I would have raised holy hell with Kaiser. 

       God knows the exact number of our days ... He said they were numbered at our birth.  That gives me comfort. 

    Thinking of you TMB and Heather ...

    love,

    Bren

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  • kmccraw423
    kmccraw423 Member Posts: 3,596
    edited February 2009

    I lost my Mom in 1989.  Next month it will be 20 years and it feels like yesterday.  My Mom did everything too early including dying.  My Stepfather died September 3, 1988 so when my Mom started having gut pains in December 1988 we all thought it was the stress of his death.  Who would think she had pancreatic cancer.  Both my younger sister and I regret not taking a leave of absence during that time to be with her.  From the time of diagnosis until her death was only 6 weeks.

    She was only 16 years old when she had me.  With such a small age difference I always envisioned her and I sitting in adjoining rocking chairs at the old folks home together.

    God, I miss her.  I could cry thinking of all the missed opportunities I could have had with her. 

    I pray that all who have lost loved ones find peace and only remember the love.

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