Sister with metastatic BC

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leetaloomis
leetaloomis Member Posts: 5
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
I have been reading a while (year and a half - since my sister has been diagnosed) and I am starting to realise taht I am doing everythign wrong. Just a littel background: my sister was dx Aug 07 with stage II, she was put on chemo and eventually on radiation. In Aug 08 she was dx with lung mets and now she is on chemo for them. So no operation, no removal of anything. I am angry and desparate. And all this time I'm asking her to find another doctor, to find another clinic, to get someone else's opinion. And reading your posts - I was wrong. She has also stopped talking to me becasue she says I'm making her nervous and depresed. She is sliping away - I can see that, my mom can see that, and yet I shouldn't have said what I did?? I just want her to live, but things don't look good now.

So what should I do? Start pretending she is not only cancer and that we can talk about other stuff, when I do honestly believe that (even now with mets) she should have a operation.

What should I do??

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  • Maryiz
    Maryiz Member Posts: 975
    edited February 2009

    Why not try asking her if you could sit down with her and just talk open-mindedly.  I know you are scared, but believe me, she is even more so.  You could ask her if she would just consider a second opinion and you would then respect her decisions.  A lot can be done today with mets, so I would see if you can get a second opinion.  Maryiz

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  • mybeautifulsister
    mybeautifulsister Member Posts: 142
    edited February 2009

    Hi Leeta,

    your post is a bit confusing but let me put my 2 sense in, my sister also has B/C, and it is very stressful for us to watch someone we love suffer, or to make decisions about their tx or their choice of doctors,that we may not agree with etc,etc!!!  but the key word is THEIR CHOICE, period!!!! Our job as caretakers is to be there when they want us or need us,to support their decisions whether we like it or not,  and it is hard, but it is about them and what makes them feel good, not us!!!! I have made plenty of mistakes since her dx, and it is a learning process, my advice to you is to just love your sister, if she wants to talk about the weather let her, and YES if pretending is what you need to do than do it, because at the end of the day what really matters is that you have given her comfort and some piece, if she ASKS for your advice or opinion give it if not then don`t. Do her laundry, make a meal, do something that takes the burden off her, she knows you love her, but there is no need to stress her out, or depress her more, thats crazy!!! she is stressed enough,do you really want to be responsible for that???  this is HER life she is fighting for, we are not  doctors, I have had many conflicting opinions about her care, I don`t agree with a lot, i don`t like the lack of aloufness her team of doctors often show, I would have liked for her to have a 3rd opinion, but it isn`t my breast cancer. Be there for your mother this is her daughter she doesn`t need the extra burden that her 2 daughters aren`t speaking, Just fix it so you have a relationship again with her before it is to late. Good luck

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  • leetaloomis
    leetaloomis Member Posts: 5
    edited February 2009

    Thank you everybody. I think I'm learning what I should say and what not. I just don't want to lose her! And I realize now how selfish I'm acting. and I do want to take care of her, but she is the older and she was always taking care of me and even now she won't let me take care of her. I dind't even know she has cancer for the first 6 months (we don't live close to each other and on the phone she sounded like always). She didn't want to tell me becasue I was pregnant at the time. As i said, she ALWAYS took care of me. I also want her to understand that I can help and when she needs help, I will be there. But I don't know how to say that, becasue she will do anything to protect me, even if it is bad for her. I don't know how to explain it, like - she will spend money for my baby instead for her medications. And that for me is outrages. When I say i want to help, her only is answer is that I shouldn't worry too much. How is that possible??!!

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  • mybeautifulsister
    mybeautifulsister Member Posts: 142
    edited February 2009

    Leeta, instead of asking just do what you think will give her comfort, thats all!!!

    good luck

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  • BertsGirl
    BertsGirl Member Posts: 2
    edited February 2009

    leeta, I agree with mybeautiful sister.  Ask your sister what you can do for her.  She may just want you to be yourself and your relationship to be normal.  My mother in law has stage 4 and is not in denial of it but wants to have a normal life, her life, not the cancer's life.  We talk about it when she wants, we dont' ignore it, but I let her be whatever she wants and talk about it when she wants.  Just ask and let her know you'll be anything and do whatever makes it easiest for her.  Good Luck!

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  • GwensSIL
    GwensSIL Member Posts: 1
    edited March 2009

    Wow, this is a great site!  My sister-in-law Gwen has been dx today with BC and will start radiation and breast augmentation with-in two weeks.  I am very close to her and want to help her in every way possible.  I am new at this and reading your replys  will help me to "do" and "say" the right things for her (I hope).  I am a little numb right now and can't imagine whats is going through her. 

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