I need some help...

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brst26
brst26 Member Posts: 155
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer
 

I don't know why I am the way I am...or why I have such difficulty with appearing "weak" or not in control when I talk to people.  It's not like I had some screwed up childhood...and that made me the way I am today.  My family is absolutely wonderful!  My two sisters are literally my best friends.  I just started going to see a therapist, after a couple of recommendations that it may be a very beneficial thing for me to do from my doctors.  I've always been like this...I hated taking naps (I still say that naps are for the weak...partly because it makes people laugh...but it's partially how I feel--I never took a nap all through when I was doing chemo), I don't like to cry in front of people, I would rather do things myself than ask for help, and I am kinda stubborn.  I feel like I always have something to prove...like it's a race of sorts...and I always have to win, or I feel as if I've failed.  I was telling my therapist how I like to run to deal with things...and she said that was a great outlet for stress, but she wants to make sure that I'm not "running away" from my problems.  I know I have issues right now...and at least I am to the point where I can admit it....but I still don't know how to talk about things or even what the heck I need to talk about.  I don't know what's wrong...just that things are wrong.    I think that the only person that I ever talked to about things that were cancer related and had to do with my feelings and frustrations was my surgeon (we email each other all the time).  And it's not because I feel like I can't talk to my family or friends...it's more that I feel like I have to protect them...and as long as I am ok, then things are good.  I also think that I wouldn't allow myself to "feel" things because then it made them real...and in actuality I think that it scares the crap out of me that I've had breast cancer.  Some days it still doesn't feel real...I wake up and think maybe it was really all just a bad dream.  I spent so much time "fighting" everything while I was going through treatment...fighting the fact that chemo made me sick, tired, and weak, fighting that I was scared to death to have surgery, fighting that I am scared that I won't be strong enough to do this all over again if things don't go as planned in the future.  I feel like I'm always trying to prove people wrong...if somebody tells me something, I try to show them that things aren't so bad.  Anybody else every feel like this?  Here I am seeing a therapist and I don't even know what to talk about....because I can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me?  My health is great, great job, great family and friends...so why do I feel so wrong

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2009

    You sound pretty normal to me for someone so young to face a life threatening disease.  Cut yourself some slack.  You've been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'm glad to see that you feel that your health is great and work is fine.  But the reality is that life as you knew it has been forever changed. It can still be good but it is different than when you were carefree going along with plans and dreams.  Its a shock and wake up call to your mortality. 

    Especially for someone in their 20's.  These should be the fun years that you can look back on when you are older and a grandmother and have a boatload of responsibilities and say 'Gosh that was fun!"  And hopefully that will still be the case but you have lost a bit of your innocence.  Its okay to grieve for the life you had before.  It's normal sort of like having post traumatic stress. 

    Hugs to you and please believe that life is still good.  Give yourself some time to grieve for what was but remember to keep your eyes on looking forward when you are finished.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited February 2009

    Look into The Hoffman Quadrinity Process. I'm sure you can google it. It would help you deal with all the issues going on inside your head and heart. It has worked for thousands worldwide. I was luck enough to do the process about 17 years ago and it saved my life.

    God bless. 

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  • iodine
    iodine Member Posts: 4,289
    edited February 2009

    Congratulations, Abbey, you are benefiting from therapy!  Your insight is pretty amazing, you have a great deal of courage and strength.  First, it takes a LOT to begin counseling, esp. for we who are "Large and IN CHARGE", stubborn women who accept no weakness (at least what we Call weakness)

    As Hope said above you have lost your innocence about your mortality---staring that beast in the eye is something we have all experienced and come away shaking in fear, whether we know it or not.  An many of us were close to 60!, not your tender age.

    What to say in therapy?   A couple of suggestions come to mind---personally, I cussed better than any sailor you've ever heard of.   I knew I was getting better when I only said FU about 10 times in the session.  Wonderful way to get my anger out.  (Yes, kiddo, you have anger built up way deep down there)

    A good way to find your direction is to request "homework" from the counselor.  Another is to ask the counselor to Ask You questions.  But the best and deepest for me came with writing a letter--to whom ever, and really let yourself GO.  You have no worries that it will hurt anyone because only you, and if you agree, your counselor will read it. 

     I hope you can learn to feel the pride of self that you deserve for seeking counseling, you are a brave soul and I'd love to hear from you as you go thru all these steps to recovery.  In the meantime, Oh, nothing is wrong with you!   Please keep comming to the boards and read and post.  Most of us feel that our bc sisters really "get it", when most others don't.

    Hugs.

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  • brst26
    brst26 Member Posts: 155
    edited February 2009

    Alwayshope,

    Thank you for your insight.  I agree...I do feel like I lost my innocence and the carefreeness that I had the day my surgeon called and told me that I had breast cancer.

     Dotti,

    Good I'm glad that therapy helped you, maybe it will help me too :)  I don't think I'm angry though...I'm not mad at God or anything.  I've never asked why.  Thanks for the hug!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2009

    Abbey...As Dotti observed, you certainly have a lot of insight and ability to describe your feelings for a woman of your age. A few things that you wrote struck a chord with me and I'll tell you what I have learned over the years in case these insights might be helpful to you. It was only after achieving this understanding that I found my true, real Self and, with it, true serenity.

    Essentially, I had always received the message that strength equaled lovability, and weakness made me far less loveable. When I cried or showed vulnerability as a child, I was ridiculed or rejected. This was never severe or extreme, but the message was clear and I obviously bought it hook, line & sinker. So thoughout my life and all of the way through my bc treatments, I was a warrior. No one saw me cry and I never asked for any help. I couldn't even tolerate being seen bald because I equated the loss of my hair with vulnerability and weakness.....and, based on that message I had internalized, with being unloveable. I can't tell you when all of this shifted for me, but it wasn't too long ago. I seemed to have had some deeply psychological transformation and woke up one day with the realization and determination to be my full, entire, authentic self....and the hell with anyone else. And if someone would reject me for "being weak," then they're probably not worth much of my time anyway. So I've been seeking out new friends and, for the first time in my life, am in a relationship with a man who accepts me for my ENTIRE self, weaknesses and all. It is so refreshing and liberating and, after 55 years, it's certainly about time!

    I hope that this helps, Abbey. Try to be gentle and nurturing with yourself. And then, after you've become accustomed to how that feels, try to let someone else do it for you too. I promise that you'll love it!

    ~Marin

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