Positivity! Living with Terminal

Ohno-

Would you be positive with her diagnosis? You think she is letting you down? I am sure she is very depressed. Sorry she is not living up to your standards.

Ohno ~  I'm so sorry about your Mom.  I think I understand the kind of help you're after.  What I didn't understand from your post is if your Mom has been fighting bc for awhile, or if this was an out-of-the-blue diagnosis she's just received.  Either way, it's devastating, but I think the latter situation would be especially devastating to deal with -- especially if this has all happened very recently. And can you tell us if she's currently getting any treatment?  And has she had a second opinion on her dx? 

Without knowing any of the above, one of the things you might consider doing is introducing her to this website -- especially the Recurrence and Metastatic Disease section -- where there are many strong, positive women who can be very supportive to her because they truly understand both the emotions and the medical options.   Depending on who stops by to answer your question here, you might even consider posting a similar question in that section, just to be sure the women who I think will be most helpful to you see it.      Deanna

As a stage 4 patient (and stage 4 from the beginning) it is hard to hear others who are not in the same position tell you to be positive...there is nothing positive about this.  This is a scary thing to hear and try to adjust to without having to feel like you need to be happy and positive for others.  Try to imagine what it would be like if you were told that you have terminal cancer, it has gone to many parts of the body, probably causing pain...the word CURE is not part of your vocab any more, the best the docs can do is hope to slow the spread of the disease, control pain and extend her life.  Treatment will depend on the specifics of her cancer-  maybe chemo or hormonal therapy for the rest of her life.

It will take time for her to figure out how to adjust and live with this. This is one of those things that effects EVERY part of her life, very hard to change everything..look at how hard a diet is..now think about all the other things (habits and life style are hard to change under the best of circumstances). It can be very overwhelming. Love her, hold her and be with her, but don't push the positive thing.  It is better that she have hope and support and love, that she doesn't feel like she has to try to take care of herself AND everyone else.

Remember--love, hope and support; respect her decisions and take it one day at a time.  There is no magic pill.

My wife has breast cancer and my father died of kidney cancer in 2007. Telling them to be positive is not the right thing to do. Personally, I think its selfish to tell someone with cancer "to be positive"....its almost like you are asking them not to ruin your day. A good positive outlook is fine and even welcome so long as the person with cancer initiates it. I've always felt that it is good to be true to your emotions. If you're sad, be sad. Its a shame when sadness manifests into anger or jealousy or something else. For my part, I stay positive and concerned and like lisa-e states just show my support.  

I feel   sad to read that you feel your mother is  letting  YOU and others down, and to make demands on how SHE should be dealing with this to make YOU and others feel better!!! WOW!!!! I am sure your mom would rather be enjoying life wihout cancer, I am sure your mother is doing the best she can!! to bad you feel like she is not living up to YOUR expectations, how sad and how selfish of you!!! sorry but I just don`t get your point!!!

Reading these posts brings back vivid memories of my Mom.  She died almost 20 years ago of pancreatic cancer.  At the time, I thought she should at least stop smoking!  She needed to get healthy and cured.  What an idiot!  I knew nothing about cancer then and certainly did not know that pancreatic cancer was a death notice.  Thank God I never said any of this to her but I was upset with her at the time.  At the end, all I wanted was for her not to be in pain.

It was so sad to be praying she would die of liver failure as opposed to lung failure so that she wouldn't die gasping for breath.

Due to a lot of issues I was angry for a lot of years at my Mom (not that I showed it).  I wish I had those years back with her.

If you are fortunate enough to still have your Mom, treasure her.

I lost my mother 20 years ago to this disease.  4 years ago was dx myself.  Lost both my breasts and was told my positive outlook would cure, me. I was so funny and full of hope and life. Then 8 months ago,, my back started hurting and 6 months its spread from my bones to my liver and my neck.  I'm 46 years old.  I'm now in pain.  Alot of pain in different areas.  Its hard to enjoy watching television much less anything else,  I don't know the answer to how to help your  mom enjoy her last days.  i do know that is mainly so that your family can say afterward that she never gave up etc and they can feel confident that they helped her cope.  I'll say from my own experience that the only way to help her cope is for all of you to accept that she hurts physically and mentally and no one can take it away except a cure for this disease.  When or if she feels up to it encourage a walk or a movie etc,,, but allow her to be angry and resentful and help her search for ways to alleviate pain.  I think we've all watched too many movies like Step mom where death turns into a wonderful transitIion or journey.  Death is not sweet,, nor pretty, nor fare. Enjoy every day your moms here,, even if she's grumpy and withdrawn.   Its all you can do. Best of luck to you 

PT63 - your friend's story broke my heart.  What a lot of love she must have had for her loved ones to go through what she did.  I am glad you were there to help her vent.

I used to think I needed to be "strong" about everything.  I got over it - it took quite a while and a lot of people resenting my "changes" but being strong all the time is tiring when you are healthy - forget about sick as a dog and dying.

My personal motto - I do not suffer in silence!

Ohno - try walking a mile in your Mother's shoes.  Give her what she needs - a place to vent, a time to be angry and  time to grieve.  My God, she's only in her fifties.  Please give her love, solace, and consolation.  Be tender and loving.  Tell her how much she means to you and that you love her - frequently.  I regret that I did not do as much as I could have for my Mom.

Love, prayers and hugs for both of you.

Ohno,

There are lots of things you and your family can do to help your mom.  You can figure out to get everything non-cancer -related off of her plate so that she can focus on her battle herself.  How everyone chooses to battle the disease is up to them.  For me, as I am usually the positive one I had to bite my tongue with my wife.  She knew what I wanted but it was not my place.  Occasionally I would see or read something that would make her smile, but give her time. 

I have a couple books for you to read:

www.thistimesacharm.com

My Life With Laura

Route53 (Erik)

http://route53.wordpress.com

I wonder how changing her diet and attitude will help your mother now, ohno.  As she has been told she is terminal, she obviously knows a positive attitude/diet isn't going to make much difference, at this point.  She is also probably suffering quite a bit of pain, which is quite terrifying by itself.  I also wonder if you realise that having such a diagnosis is like being paralysed while sitting in a locked car on railroad tracks as a fast train bears down on you. It is a nightmare in every way.

I had reason to talk to a friend of my sons before Xmas whose mother, in her 50's, was diagnosed in May last year and died in Sept.  During our chat, he mentioned that his mother had one regret and that was that, when she was in pain, she did not take painkillers because she didn't want to get immune to their effects and thus build up a resistance to them. Apparently, this caused her to be 'snappy' with her family and she felt that they would remember her like that, rather than the lovely woman she was. 

Maybe your mother is in pain and trying to 'tough' it out and this is affecting her state of mind.  There are a lot of variables with this damned disease and trying to make others happy would be last on my list, if I was at that stage, which I'm not, yet!

I jollied my family and friends along pre Xmas, after my stage IV diagnosis, trying not to give them a reason to get upset.  I did the job so well that a dear friend, who doesn't live nearby, wrote me a letter, as opposed to our usual e-mail or phone communications, to tell me that things might not be as rosy as I was making out and that I should expect some troubles. She has a sister-in-law who has battled what I have for 7 yrs and is now on morphine, so she knows what she is talking about.  She is the only person (apart from the ladies here) who truly realises what is ahead of me and was willing to speak about it. 

Maybe you should take this time to LISTEN to you mother, instead of trying to tell her what she should be doing.

Sheila.