Getting tired of having cancer
I'm having a down day and I just need to vent.
I'm done with surgery and Mammosite radiation, and both my surgeon and radiation oncologist lead me to believe that would pretty much be the end of my treatment. I fully expected my oncologist to put me on Tamoxifen and that would be that. But the oncologist thinks I need chemo -- AC to be specfic -- and he's hoping my equivocal HER2 will come back positive so that I can have Herceptin, too.
I am tired of all this. I'm planning to start a new job on Feb 2, and I don't think starting a new job and chemo at the same time is a very good plan. My sister promised to take care of me during chemo, but she already has two trips planned during the three months of my AC treatment. I don't expect her life to stop for me, but I'm feeling deserted when I will probably need the most help.
This is going on too long, and I think I'm getting depressed. I don't want to start a new job, I don't want to take my puppy for walks, I don't want to do anything but sit home and feel sorry for myself. The thought of chemo is just too much for me. I think I'd rather take my chances of dying sooner than continuing with all this treatment.
Tricia
Comments
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Tricia, my bet would be that every girl on these boards has felt like this, myself included. Many, many women have urged individuals to get some advice re anti-depressants because the reality is that this is just a shite mountain to climb, and we need help! Believe me, you can do this! It's hard, yes, but once you are finished you will not be able to believe how great you feel. Just maybe ask about depression. XXXX
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Tricia -- I agree with kerry that every girl feels like you do at one time or another and it's not an easy or fun place to be. You might want to ask your doctor about your specific issues and see if he/she has some advice that might help.
Take care.
Bonnie
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Tricia - I was diagnosed about the same time. I totally know how you feel. I am a positive person in general, but I am getting tired of this too. I keep reminding myself that it could most definately be worse, this was cost early, this too shall pass, etc. And it will. So, you have plenty of company, sad to say.
Hang in there!
Susan
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It is all so very tiring, I too find myself in that dark hole and then I slap myself in the face and think wow there is so many more people worse off then me. But the reality is we are still in the troes of TX and its so hard to keep optimistic all the time. I guess we would not be normal if we did not have these feelings. I was diagnoised in Nov/07 and I am only half way thru my Herceptin due to muga scan results. I also am a second timer on the Reconstruction. So yeah it sucks really bad sometimes and I relate about the Job thing. I had to give up my job this spring even though I tried working but the SE got the better of me. And still are unfournatly. Even if I could work who would hire me knowing I have a up coming surgey which will put me out of work for a couple of months. It all stinks. I guess thats why it is a good thing we have these boards!!!
BIG HUGS!!!!!
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Certainly cancer treatment is an unpleasant and tedious business, and everyone who experiences is must feel like you do at times. But I'm wondering what your onco's rationale is for recommending a highly aggressive treament plan. I'll grant the Grade 3 might be considered a red flag, but otherwise I can't tell if he's just being cautious in your case, or if he beleives on principle that it's better to overtreat than undertreat. If he has a good rationale for his recommendation, it might be best to grit your teeth and stick with it. If he doesn't, maybe you should try a second opinion.
What HER2 test are you still waiting for?
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Tricia,
I can understand how you feel . My cancer had started out so simple and has grown with each doctors visit. Many of us speak about the surprises this disease always seems to bring.
I had no lymph node involvement and felt also all would end with tamoxifin. Now they want to give me chemo due to my oncotype score. Is that why they want you to have this chemo?
I do think it is important to look at many of the others on this board and see what they have had to go thru. So many are so young and with more advanced cancers. I think we all just want to put this in our past. It is not easy and one is allowed to get upset.
Don't be embarrassed to ask questions about the chemo or to ask for an antidepressant.
Stay strong.This too shall come to pass.
Francine
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Thanks everyone for the encouraging words. After posting, I felt a bit embarrassed about complaining because I know so many others have been through so much, much more than I have. Right now, my pain is mostly mental because the surgery and radiation honestly were not nearly as bad as I thought they would be.
Seabee and Crusader -- My oncologist is following the recommendations of the NCCN (National Comprehensive Cancer Network - http://www.nccn.org/professionals/physician_gls/PDF/breast.pdf), which includes chemo for tumors larger than 1 cm. I haven't had the Oncotype yet. When I saw my onco last week, he didn't think it was worthwhile doing it because my HER2 is not negative (it's not positive, either, so we're waiting for a repeat of the FISH test on a different tumor sample). From what I've read, though, I think it would be beneficial to do the Oncotype because it, too, tests for HER2. I will ask him about again when I see him again this coming week.
Tricia
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Cancer is a big freakin pain in the butt!!! Go ahead complain! Now your done complaining....find the strength to move on!!! If you want to complain some more....we'll be here to listen!!!!
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Tricia,
Found that site you sent quite interesting.
I have almost identical traits as you, except mine was invasive lobular carcenoma and grade 2 .I have two oncologists appts this week. They always seem to surprise you. I guess I am prepared for anything but...This cancer stuff is also starting to get to me.
Alo
Did you have chemo with an oncotype of 26 ?
You live in my favorite state. I went to Hawaii twice. I went once with my husband two years ago and a year and a half ago with three ladies to celebrate our 60th birthday.
Francine
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I can't stand it either!
Chemo, Surgery, now Rads, then hormone supressing/blocking drugs! ugh.
AC, the A is very hard. I had AC for 4 treatments every other week, and it kicked my butt big time. Just saying.
Spring...
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Tricia, Don't feel bad about complaining. This is the place to do it. We all know that there are others who have it so much worse than we do, but we are going through shite (as Kerry_lamb says) and have every right to complain.
I also had surgery (lumpectomy) and Mammosite radiation and I thought that my treatment was over. Then they sent me to the medical oncologist and he recommended chemo also. And then tamoxifen. It took me completely by surprise. My oncotype score was 20, by the way.
When I was first diagnosed I was so very tired and I just didn't think that I had the strength to fight it. But, I had the surgery and radiation. Then when two opinions said that I should have chemo, I cried because I just wanted to have it over. But, I pulled myself together and had chemo. I had TC, four treatments. So, mine was not as aggressive. But, you can do this. I think that you will be surprised at how quickly the time goes. And how good it feels when you are done.
I am two months past my treatments now. And I have no real side effects from the tamoxifen. And, my hair is growing back and that's exciting. I think the most trouble you will have is from the new job, but that will depend also on what type of job it is. If you could possible postpone the new job for a while that might help. But it is all doable once you make your mind up to do it.
Chris
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Oh Tricia, we all know how you feel and what you are going through. I was diagnosed September 2007. I had a double mastectomy, chemo and radiation. I had a MRI and pet scan in November 2007 that showed I was clear, but oncologist still wanted to do chemo and radiation just to be sure since I had so many positive nodes. It is definetly a rough road, but you will be fine. I think you might want to postpone the job though. I probably could have worked,... well maybe not, but I surely didn't feel like driving. Hang in there, girl.
Hugs,
Diane
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Hi, Tricia
I know the feeling, trust me, I remembered after my second surgery, I thought I was done, and when my Dr. told me that the board had spoken about my case, and that I will benefit from chemo, I started to cry, I hug and held my dr. and just kept screaming out loud : "I already gave up my breast" what else do you want, I continue to cry and shaking her in desperation. In my mind, I thought I was done. But it has being along journey, I don't regret a bit, because I know is for my own good.
Please take care of yourself.
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hugs to all, cancer sucks, we all understand we are all there.
i am just starting and i am sick and tired of it all, stay strong
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Been there, felt that!
While I was doing treatment, I just kept telling myself, " THIS IS ALL TEMPORARY"
You will get through it. Take good care.
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Tricia:
I'll add to the other's comments -- feel free to vent!
I can speak from experience that after undergoing surgery it's almost incomprensible to consider more treatment so soon afterwards. Time certainly does make a HUGE difference. Take the time you need to heal from surgery and don't feel like you have to rush right into chemo immediately. Once you're feeling more like your old self, and you have taken the time to get over the shock (and you're body reacts as though in shock) of possibly more treatment, you'll find the resolve you need to keep on going.
Keep in mind that the treatment for AC is finite. There is a definite end. As for Herceptin, I've been on it for years and the SEs are relatively minimal. It didn't stop me from working and I'm sure you'll be able to as well.
After 5 years of almost continous treatment battling this "beast", I'm still here and have had too many great times to count over the past 5 years that I wouldn't have had, if I'd "thrown in the towel" which I've been tempted to do many times, believe me. Think of all the living you've got left to do - and your puppy needs you.
Stay strong and hang in there, we all have tough days....
Cheryl.
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Amazing, isn't it...how we all feel the same way. When I was diagnosed it was so daunting. I was terrified of the surgery..now I'm almost 4 weeks past it. I've only had my first chemo so I'm sure they worst is yet to come, but I'm doing it.
You don't think you can do it, but you can. I would never downplay how much this sucks and please do vent, vent, vent!!!
Springtime, I have a feeling you and I are probably being treated at the same place as I am also in Raleigh. I go on Friday and will give my regards to the "A" for you
Diane
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Tricia ~ I totally understand your frustration! Not only is 2 months from dx a difficult time in general (because at that point most of us are through some of our tx, but still have more ahead), but now you have the possibility of chemo thrown into the picture, when you were hoping to start a new job and be able to put a lot of this behind you. I so get why you are tired of this whole thing!
As far as your onc and chemo -- one thing you said jumped out at me as odd, and that's his hoping your FISH will come back Her+. ???? That doesn't make any sense to me, because, in spite of having Herceptin, I believe Her2+ bc is still harder to treat than Her2- bc. So, that comment just seems very odd to me, and not one an onco who is experienced with bc would ever make.
As far as the OncotypeDX test -- that test was designed for women in your situation. So, again, I cannot quite figure out why he wouldn't jump at the chance to have you take it to help him figure out your tx. Related to that thought, do you know if he's brought your case before a tumor board, or is his recommendation for chemo his opinion alone? I could be reading the situation entirely wrong, but some things just don't add up for me, to the point that if I was in your situation, I definitely would consider getting a second opinion.
Please correct me if I've misunderstood anything. It's not my intention to make this more complicated for you, but I'm not comfortable with your onc as you've explained the situation. Deanna
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dlb,
Because of herceptin, early stage BC patients are now considered lucky to be HER2+ and able to receive herceptin. Not only do we have a BC that is very responsive to chemo, we also have herceptin that has turned all prior ideas about HER2+ on their heads. HER2+ BC is now considered the most easily treatable form of BC.
So, yes, the oncologist is very right in hoping for a HER2+ test results for Tricia.
Tricia, I believe your chemo may be four AC treatments (it seems to be what we early stage patients receive). It is not fun, but it is doable.
As far as needing care from your sister after chemo. the affects of the chemo seem cumulative. You will be fine after your first chemo (after you get through chemo day and the few days of anti-emetics). You will be progressively more fatigued after each treatment, but never to the point of needing someone to take care of you.
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Tricia, I read that NCCN document you linked and on page 14 they have a decision tree, where if the tumor is >1 cm and/or has some negative pathologic features, they recommend getting an oncotyype to help guide decision making regarding chemo.
I just went for a second opinion, at Dana Farber, 7 months after surgery, and Dana Farber read my path as lymphovascular invasion where the original hospital said no invasion. The oncologist at Dana Farber told me that, thank goodness I had the oncotype dx score of 12 so he could say that not having had chemo is okay--it doesn't make the lymphovascular invasion any less scary, but he could say confidently that chemo wouldn't have improved my prognosis. He also said that oncotype takes the subjectivity of the pathology out of the equation: one said invasion was present the other said it wasn't, but the recurrence score is validated.
He and the fellow kept saying how good my prognosis is: and all I could hear was lymphovascular invasion.
I did an excessive amount of research, because I left the visit really scared--even though he was upbeat, and discovered that he literally wrote the book for the American Society of Clinical Oncology on chemotherapy. So, I guess he knows what he's talking about.
So, it doesn't make sense to me why the oncologist wouldn't follow the guidelines in the document and get the oncogene. More data helps make decisions.
Somedays we all reach our limits for what we can tolerate.
What kind of puppy do you have?
Kira
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Tricia ~ Here's some very recent research I just pulled up for you. It may put some of what your onc is saying into perspective: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/133023.php Deanna
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you want to get it over with... the kitchen sink and all. It is devastating to think you are finished and not be. I sure understand your sentiments as I face more everything.. sigh.
Chemo is not that bad. I lost 2 days (resting with viral infections) out of 8 treatments.
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I too am getting tired of this thing called Breast Cancer.
My diagnosis is a tumor 1.2 cm, grade 2 , node negative early stage lobular carcenoma with an oncotype score of 27 . I have been thru a failed lumpectomy, a mastectomy and now have problems with my breast healing from the mastectomy. Well tomorrow I see the oncologist.I know she will tell me I need chemo. I am hoping she will suggest 4 treatments of TC. With my luck and this disease who knows what this next surprise will bring.
This has been a long haul for me. I have tried to be optimistic but sometimes it is hard to see the end of the road..
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Thanks to everyone for your replies and encouragement. BC sucks, but I've been having good days where I pretty much forget about it -- at least for the moment while still waiting for my tests.
I am waiting for a second FISH test to see if it comes back clearly + or - for HER2. My IHC and first FISH were both equivocal. My oncologist believes in treating for worst-case scenario, so that's why he is hoping the second fish will come back >2 so that I will be eligible for Herceptin. As Sassa wrote, Herceptin is a breakthrough, and even if equivocal, I think my onc is right that it would be good for me to get that treatment, but insurance will only pay for it if the equiv is >2; mine is currently 1.8, the lowest possible equivocal score -- so that's why my oncologist is hoping the second test will come back higher. He really does have my best interests at heart.
My onc is a bit of a doom and gloom type of guy, but I do have confidence in him. He is highly regarded in the area where I live, and he treated my mother for throat cancer (without surgery), and she is now considered cured by her ENT -- he calls her a miracle.
If my FISH comes back clearly negative, I will then have the Oncotype and might still escape chemo. I think I'll always question that decision, though, if that's what I ultimately decide to do.
Thanks again everyone,
Tricia
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