Still in Shock

After reading a few treads I feel comfortable and safe to tell my story. Early last month on a Sunday morning I got a call from my mom, she told me she took a taxi to the hospital because she had a bladder infection that was out of control, and was still waiting to hear from the doctor. I gave her my love, and told her to call me when she got home. She called me that afternoon, not from home, but still at the hospital, and she dropped the bombshell. She was crying, and told me that the Doctor's completed tests, scans, and xrays, and that she was diagnosed with Cancer. I felt numb. I asked her if she wanted me to come and see her (she lives alone in the next province), I think back now and think what a stupid question. Of course, her immediate response was no. After discussion with my husband, we came to the conclusion that doctors could not possibly diagnose cancer after only one moring in the ER, and that I should go and be with her for the next couple of days while she undegoes more tests. I immediatley booked a flight and was on my way to see her that evening. The questions where just flying though my head the whole way. I arrived in her town late that night, and decided to get a hotel room and go and see her in the morning....I don't think I slept. I arrived at the hospital at 8am and Mom was very surprised to see me...I think she may have shed a tear of joy. Shortly after my arrival a nurse came to speak to me. I just remember she was very kind, and must have given the same speech a hundred times before....I can hardly recall her words, but some of them were, "You must be very shocked", "time to make arrangements", "Does your mom have a will"....I could not even take it all in, yesterday she was perfectly healthy, now she is dying? I was told that mom had very advanced breast cancer that has spread to her liver, lungs, bones and is effecting her kidney and bladder. Looking at my mom, one would not have guessed for a second that she had cancer. Friends and family that learned the news, began to visit her in the hospital. She told them that she was fine, and just had a bad bladder infection. Denial or Dignity, I do not know.



My mother has stage IV metastatic breast cancer, and has never been diagnosed prior. She is the type of person who does not like going to doctors, and will not go unless she absolutely has too (hence the trip to the ER). She knew something was wrong, but did not think she was so ill...(even though when I see her breast tumor, I cringe at what she was going through all by herself for so long, and what she must have been thinking). She is very dignified, strong, and stubborn at the same time. She has watched her sister and a niece fight cancer right to the end, getting sick from treatments and loosing their hair and withering away to skin and bones, before finally circuming to this terrible disease. She says she does not want treatment, does not want to get sicker than she already is. I think the shock is starting to wear off now, and now I am trying to cope. I read someones post in which she wrote."..I don't know how to not have a mother..." and it sums up exactly what I am dealing with every minute of the day.



I am now with my mom in her little one bedroom apartment. I arranged to for a LOA from work, and my husband is more that willing to pick up the slack back home (bless his heart). I miss my family, but I know my mother needs me more right now. She just recently was released from another brief hospital stay when she had blood in her urine. Over the past month, she has had two blood transfusions, and is currently taking morphine (12 hour pills and pills for break out pain). We have not met with an oncologist but I know she is very sick. She has lost alot of weight, the slightest activity tires her very quickly, and she eats like a little bird. She is mostly frustrated with the fact that she has no bladder control. Her tumor has penetrated to the outside of her breast and her nurses come to change her dressing every other day.



Christmas this year is killing me. My mother has insisted that I go home to my family. I want to stay here with her....my husband and kids cannot make a trip here.... and they want me home for the holidays. Christmas is not a big deal for my mother. I wanted to bring her home with me, but she is too scared to leave her nurses and doctor. She feels safer here. I have decided to go home on Christmas Eve and come back to her as soon as I can. She will have the nurses checking in on her, as well as a couple of my Aunties, and her friends are only a phone call away. My sister will be coming to visit the day after boxing day for a couple days. I will plan on returning when my sister leaves.



I am cherishing every moment with her, I bath her, and make her tea, and brush her hair, and warm her feet in my hands. We are laughing, and are having some very nice conversations that I will never forget. I wish I could do more. I wish I could make it all go away. I wish my family was here with me, I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. My mother is only 61 years old.