Still in Shock
After reading a few treads I feel comfortable and safe to tell my story. Early last month on a Sunday morning I got a call from my mom, she told me she took a taxi to the hospital because she had a bladder infection that was out of control, and was still waiting to hear from the doctor. I gave her my love, and told her to call me when she got home. She called me that afternoon, not from home, but still at the hospital, and she dropped the bombshell. She was crying, and told me that the Doctor's completed tests, scans, and xrays, and that she was diagnosed with Cancer. I felt numb. I asked her if she wanted me to come and see her (she lives alone in the next province), I think back now and think what a stupid question. Of course, her immediate response was no. After discussion with my husband, we came to the conclusion that doctors could not possibly diagnose cancer after only one moring in the ER, and that I should go and be with her for the next couple of days while she undegoes more tests. I immediatley booked a flight and was on my way to see her that evening. The questions where just flying though my head the whole way. I arrived in her town late that night, and decided to get a hotel room and go and see her in the morning....I don't think I slept. I arrived at the hospital at 8am and Mom was very surprised to see me...I think she may have shed a tear of joy. Shortly after my arrival a nurse came to speak to me. I just remember she was very kind, and must have given the same speech a hundred times before....I can hardly recall her words, but some of them were, "You must be very shocked", "time to make arrangements", "Does your mom have a will"....I could not even take it all in, yesterday she was perfectly healthy, now she is dying? I was told that mom had very advanced breast cancer that has spread to her liver, lungs, bones and is effecting her kidney and bladder. Looking at my mom, one would not have guessed for a second that she had cancer. Friends and family that learned the news, began to visit her in the hospital. She told them that she was fine, and just had a bad bladder infection. Denial or Dignity, I do not know.
My mother has stage IV metastatic breast cancer, and has never been diagnosed prior. She is the type of person who does not like going to doctors, and will not go unless she absolutely has too (hence the trip to the ER). She knew something was wrong, but did not think she was so ill...(even though when I see her breast tumor, I cringe at what she was going through all by herself for so long, and what she must have been thinking). She is very dignified, strong, and stubborn at the same time. She has watched her sister and a niece fight cancer right to the end, getting sick from treatments and loosing their hair and withering away to skin and bones, before finally circuming to this terrible disease. She says she does not want treatment, does not want to get sicker than she already is. I think the shock is starting to wear off now, and now I am trying to cope. I read someones post in which she wrote."..I don't know how to not have a mother..." and it sums up exactly what I am dealing with every minute of the day.
I am now with my mom in her little one bedroom apartment. I arranged to for a LOA from work, and my husband is more that willing to pick up the slack back home (bless his heart). I miss my family, but I know my mother needs me more right now. She just recently was released from another brief hospital stay when she had blood in her urine. Over the past month, she has had two blood transfusions, and is currently taking morphine (12 hour pills and pills for break out pain). We have not met with an oncologist but I know she is very sick. She has lost alot of weight, the slightest activity tires her very quickly, and she eats like a little bird. She is mostly frustrated with the fact that she has no bladder control. Her tumor has penetrated to the outside of her breast and her nurses come to change her dressing every other day.
Christmas this year is killing me. My mother has insisted that I go home to my family. I want to stay here with her....my husband and kids cannot make a trip here.... and they want me home for the holidays. Christmas is not a big deal for my mother. I wanted to bring her home with me, but she is too scared to leave her nurses and doctor. She feels safer here. I have decided to go home on Christmas Eve and come back to her as soon as I can. She will have the nurses checking in on her, as well as a couple of my Aunties, and her friends are only a phone call away. My sister will be coming to visit the day after boxing day for a couple days. I will plan on returning when my sister leaves.
I am cherishing every moment with her, I bath her, and make her tea, and brush her hair, and warm her feet in my hands. We are laughing, and are having some very nice conversations that I will never forget. I wish I could do more. I wish I could make it all go away. I wish my family was here with me, I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. My mother is only 61 years old.
Comments
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I sounds to me like you are doing for your mother all the things that would help her feel peace inside. Denying you Christmas with your kids would only hurt her, knowing she is keeping you away from what little joy you can get from the season. Your kids need to see you happy, as hard as that can be. No one will want to tie in the season as the time that Grandma died. My Dad died at New Years so I know how it feels.
My daughter stumbled around at first wondering how to help me through my journey. As she lives only an hour away, I have only seen her only once in the hospital! You are certainly giving your mother your undivided attention and for that there is no measure. Our family is communicating through Facebook, if you can believe it, but boy is it working. I have posted pictures and make comments every day so everyone knows how I am doing. I try to be "up" when anyone phones but it gets hard. I find I am more worried about how everyone else is dealing with my illness...
What you are doing for your mom is seeing her through the good and the bad parts of her day. That is very special if she can truly let you in. You will feel this time in your heart for the rest of your life. If I knew I would spend my last days with my kids beside me, living the moment and not just waiting for me to die, I would be comforted. A death-bed watch is very painful, I've done it with both my parents.
Near the end with my Dad it was just a matter of being there. He knew I was there and no talking had to be done. I would sit and read beside him and he would feel free to drift off. Before he got too bad we talked about fear of dying. His only concern was the pain. We were able to assure him that he would be pain-free and that gave him peace.
You will know when to let your mother go...
God bless.
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Most people get more time with cancer. That is probably its only virtue. You are doing what you can and what I would want my daughter to do if I had one. I'm happy with sons, but they aren't the same. Let your sister take part of the load too. When you are home have your kids make drawings or whatever they are comfortable with for you to take back to your mother, it might make them feel included.
I don't think that anyone who has a good relationship with their mother is ready to be without her. I wasn't and mine was much older than yours.
Best wishes -
Really, really very sorry for you and your family. I am sure she is even feeling guilty right now that she waited so long. I hope I am wrong ... some people really hate to go ... Ignorance is bliss, until you find out the truth. Hopefully, this will cause any of your family and friends to learn a lesson and bite the bullet adn go ...
I wish you the continued laughter and love you are enjoying with your mother.
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I am so sorry to hear your mum is so ill. Only God knows how long she has and maybe it will be longer than you think. Time to reminisce, time to say Goodbye, pray together (maybe) laugh together and for your family to come and say goodbye too.
I lost my mum from a brain tumour when I was 12 years old and no opportunity to say Goodbye and the my dad when I was 14 years old - an instant heart attack no Goodbye either.
This will be a gift to you to have time to share. I hope you do not have to see her suffer and that she will be painfree. I cannnot imagine why she left it so long - maybe it was because of seeing her family go through cancer themselves. Perhaps in leaving it so long she wanted to spare you years of worrying about her instead of possibly months.
I pray God will give you all strength, healing, comfort and peace.
Kathy
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The time is a gift for sure, something that I will never forget. Thank you for you kind words everyone, this is a very difficult time for all. Mom's spirits are very high, and she is very happy that I am here with her.
I did go home for Christmas and, like I said earlier, I was feeling alot of anxiety leaving her. Everyone I spoke too prior, said that she would be fine, even my mother. My aunt said that she will be in God's hands, which made me feel very safe and at ease. The morning I left, we both were in a happy place, so to speak. No tears, no dread, just peace. I had a beautiful Christmas with my family, and my husband bought me a camcorder! I was so happy, I made many little movies, and my children recorded greeting to grandma. She will surely enjoy watching.
I also had the time to talk to my father, and we really bonded more deeply than ever before. We were always close, but now, I think our bond is stronger. He is also having a hard time dealing with this, but I could only reassure him that the mother of his children is doing "ok", and that I am now returning the favour, and looking after her. She was always there for me whenever I needed her. She came to spend time with me after I gave birth to all three of my babies and needed mom around. Whenever I needed her for whatever reason, she dropped everything and came to me. Now it is my turn, and I do this with great pleasure! -
Your mother raised a beautiful daughter and that is a testiment to her.
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