I feel like a eunuch

twinkly · December 2008

I reacted to my diagnosis by researching the heck out of this disease. I found solace in the wisdom of my years, in being as well informed as possible, and by logging the details of my journey in an effort to help others coming up along the same path.

I supported my family, helping them to deal with my diagnosis in a positive way. I was able to maintain my responsibilities at work through chemo and radiation. My hair grew back. Although I'm estrogen challenged and have been put into menopause early, I enjoy making love to my husband, and am very satisfied each and every time we are together in this way.

Yet, at this point in my journey, I find that in the deepest part of me, I am inconsolable at the loss of my breasts. No amount of philisophical thinking, positive reinforcement, meditation, acceptance, forgiveness, or compassion allows me to move beyond this grief. I miss them so much. They were a treasured part of my physical being.

Along with the loss of my breasts, I feel like my peace of mind has forever been polluted. That the damage was done before I realized what was happening.

Marple · December 2008

Twinkly,

Your post has brought a lump to my throat. I don't know what to say to you. You sound like a vibrant, alive and beautiful woman. But you don't feel it and that is what truly matters. I guess we all deal with our demons in different ways. Perhaps you need to give yourself more time. And try to concentrate on what you have, not what you lost. Have you considered recon?

Gentle hugs. I pray you work this out.

S.

roseg · December 2008

Were your breasts a big part of your physical appearance?

Marple · December 2008

You know Twinkly, you've been in my thoughts all morning. I have lymphedema and to be honest, for me I feel if I hadn't developed that, then I'd be doing ok. But we all have issues we have to deal with however we choose too. Lots of times I just rant hysterically.....I don't know if it helps, but it passes. I really do understand how you feel albeit for a different reason. Please know that you are not alone. Talking to the gals here does help me. Praying for you...........for all of us.

Diana_B · December 2008

I know what you mean Twinkly.

This morning I was in the shower just sobbing for my missing breast.

It's something beyond thought or reason or belief or sentiment even, this longing of my body to be whole.

I love the feeling when the back of my prosthesis touches my scar. It's almost like I feel I could be "fixed", like a balm, a moment of relief.

My body wants to be whole so bad that sometimes I swear I have sensation in my prosthesis as if it were a breast. My body takes it in, identifies with it, it wants it so much.

But then I take it off and the grief and hunger hit me again.

I'm sorry I can't offer any consolation other than perhaps a little company. I think the only consolation for me is that it's giving me this deepening sense of life - a darker sense. And that sometimes I'm busy and it's not as important to me.

I think we do this cancer journey in a tremendous atmosphere of urgency and fear, but then when that urgency dissipates we're just kind of left with it all.

baywatcher · December 2008

Twinkly-

I feel the same way. I miss my breasts but I don't think recon is right for me. I know I don't want implants (my mom had the really bad silicone ones of 35 years ago) and I just couldn't make myself get them. And moving my flesh around just wouldn't work for me either but I totally understand why so many women get recon. I just have these waves of depression that crash into me and knock me down. I wonder I will ever move beyond the grief.

iodine · December 2008

My heart goes out to you all.

Sounds like you, Twinkly, and perhaps others, have provided a pragmatic response for your friends and famly and been there to support them. I call it the Superwoman syndrome. And after the crisis parts are over (for them) you finally have time to address the fact the YOU HAVE HAD CANCER, dammit.

It's when we have time to finally meet ourselves in a quiet way, with all the crisis mgt. over with, that we can finally address our OWN feelings about diagnosis the all the treatment. Our minds are free of the support of others, appointments, physical problems and we stand there with nothing more to distract us from the reality of the the bc diagnosis and results of the treatment, physically and mentally.

If you cut off a leg, you would feel loss and grief and no one would ever question that---even you. But with a breast, some of us might not feel it is right to grieve, but of course, it IS.

I Can tell you, that it does get better. You will find that after the second anniversary you will likely begin to think of it less. At least I hope that for you.

If you can, consider grief counseling with a psychologist or clinical social worker(you don't need a phychiatrist, you're not mentally ill) and allow youself to be guided toward some tools to handle this for your peace. blessings.

LuAnnH · December 2008

I wasn't sure what this post was going to be about and read it gee....I am at such a loss for words for you. We all react so differently to the loss of our breasts. For me I didn't care I wanted the cancer gone it didn't matter what the cost. But reading your posts your breasts must have been very sensitive and an important part of your intimacy. For me I never had much sensations from them and my husband touching and caressing them wasn't as an important part of my lovemaking.

I have no magic words or wands to wave but maybe expressing your thoughts finally will help you be able to heal and find a way to accept this and move on. Is your husband aware of how you feel? If he doesn't maybe you should share this with him. Maybe together he can help you heal and move on past this. We can't ever replace the real thing but we can try to find a way to heal and move on.

Marple · December 2008

Find a way to heal and move on. So well put LuAnn, and we all have to find our way. Your post has moved me to tears.

Hugs.

fire · December 2008

Sounds like you, Twinkly, and perhaps others, have provided a pragmatic response for your friends and family and been there to support them. I call it the Superwoman syndrome. And after the crisis parts are over (for them) you finally have time to address the fact the YOU HAVE HAD CANCER, dammit.

It's when we have time to finally meet ourselves in a quiet way, with all the crisis mgt. over with, that we can finally address our OWN feelings about diagnosis the all the treatment. Our minds are free of the support of others, appointments, physical problems and we stand there with nothing more to distract us from the reality of the the bc diagnosis and results of the treatment, physically and mentally.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOW, Iodine, you explain it to me, finally.

I was thinking about this, but can't find answer.

I wasn't able to understand what's going on with me.

Superwoman syndrome. It is so try.

I was thinking about everyone, but not me. I think- it was because I was scared to think.

Cancer scared me, and I didn't want to admit it.

Thank you very much.

Twinkly, i'm very sorry for you.

I think it takes time to adjust.

I really love my breasts and I had lumpectomy, but who knows - was it right decision?

Just time will tell.

((((Hug.))))

twinkly · March 2009

Dear everyone,

I have been afraid to revisit this post, because I thought people would be angry with me, or frustrated because I have much to be thankful for, and yet am still grieving for what I no longer have.

So today, I read all of your kind, wise and compassionate words for the very first time.

(iodine, your understanding of this grief, and the stages we pass through, is beyond wise)

And as I write this, I'm smiling as I wipe away my tears, and for the first time since my operation, I don't feel so alone. I am so grateful for the compassion you have given to me

with all my heart, I thank you all.

iodine · March 2009

Bless you, you are never alone here.

Hugs.

ktym · March 2009

Twinkly: I did have recon with my mastectomy, and it helped, but I still miss my breast and grieve for how it used to be. Probably always will. You are not alone

barbe1958 · March 2009

Twinkly, my breasts were a very important part of my sexuality, but when I got cancer I hated them. I wanted them off! I am fortunate that I don't miss them desperately, but I do miss them sexually. I have learned from this site that if I'd had a reconstruction I wouldn't have the same sensations as before, so I'm just as glad I didn't get recon.

Having said that, we are suffering grief. Grief for the loss of our body image, the loss of a part of our femininity, loss of a part of our sexuality, loss of health...the list goes on. You have the right to grieve, and you have to process it the way your head needs to. I was fortunate enough to have gone through grief counselling when my dad was dying (after my mother had already died) and my husband was diagnosed with 3 brain tumours. I thought I was going to go out of my mind!

Grief counselling is wonderful. It validates your feelings and allows you to heal.

I feel like a eunuch

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