first chemo done

Thanks, Jill for the welcome!

I can soooo identify with the "awakening of feelings".. just in the few short months I have been going through this. I can absolutely say that most of the things I am discovering about cancer and more importantly about myself have been positive and helpful in my journey back to being "me". The biggest hurdle I am trying to overcome is being fearful of it returning, which in my case is a very likely thing to happen. Because I am triple negative on receptors and it's genetic(my mother passed away with breast cancer 35 yrs ago) it will be harder and harder to treat if it comes back. I am working hard on changing that mindset.. it's not that I dwell on it.. it's just at the back of my mind.

I am enjoying reading the posts here at this site. Lot of informative things to be read and considered. I had no idea where to start to look for a support site, so I just googled it and looked through a few and here I am!  I am a member on another site...and I blog on there now and then to release some of the thoughts racing in my head, but no one can really identify unless they have been through the cancer trip.. and it is certainly a trip!!

I didn't put a lot of info in my bio, so if anyone wants to know anything. just ask.. I don't mind sharing my info... I mean.. cancer pretty much takes away any humility you have left anyway.. so what's a little personal info?

Thanks for the info about the Miralax. My dr did suggest Colace and Signot(?). I think the steriods(anti-nausea med) I was taking was driving my sugar up. I intend to call the office tomorrow and see if something else can be prescribed before my next round of chemo.. which happens to be Dec 23rd... Merry Christmas, huh?

Hope everyone has a well balanced day..

~Belinda~ 

Barb and Belinda -

Well.. you two inspired me.   I had been resisting putting a picture of myself on this darn thing, mainly because most of the pictures of myself suck.   First, my husband is absolutely a maniac with the camera, so I tend to hide when I see the camera come out.  Despite that, he has managed to get all kinds of unflattering shots over the years - most of which make me look about 10 - 20 pounds heavier.   Of course, any picture I could put on now would be me in all my glorious baldeness, and gosh, would not want to frighten any of you given I look like a Chia pet that is not growing so well.   So.. I found this picture on the computer of my daughter and myself on a boat on our way up a river to Angel Falls in Venezuela.   This pic is a couple years old, but at least I have hair.   

I am running some errands right now and only have time for a quick post.  But, I will be back a little later.

Jill  

Jill,

Your pic looks fine!! Mine is a few yrs old..BB..before bald so I still have that to look forward to. Already went yesterday and selected my "cranial prothesis" ain't that a hoot!! Correct terminology for Medicaid and all that BS..LOL Still.. I am fortunate to be getting a wig made. It will be long, curly like my natural hair.. chocolate brown w/hazlenut highlights... sounds more like an exotic coffee, eh?

Glad to meet you Barb..I just found this site yesterday and am already benefiting from all of the posts. Nice that you are back at work!! I work with special needs kids(functional skills) in the elementary level, so it's been hard for me to work and do this. I have missed days..worked half days and went home drained and it's kicking my tail. My hubby is laid off and trying desperately to find work, so right now my income is the only source coming in and that isn't much. And in the process..we just had to move.. lost our home to foreclosure... so believe me when I tell ya, 2008 has really sucked!!! HOWEVER.....we are looking to the future and all it holds.....gotta remain steadfast and journeybound!!

The one thing that pisses me off.. well.. maybe just mystifies me.....if I am "cancer clean" isn't the side effects of chemo much worse then worrying if they got all the little microsobic cells throughout my body? I mean...seems to me the heart damage from the drugs and all of the other chemical changes I have to go through are hardly worth it. Each day I have been asking myself and my doctor.....why am I being subjected to chemo if you have no guarantees that cancer will not come back?? I know it helps many... that have very aggressive forms of cancer still.....I mean for me.,... there was no cancer in my lymphnodes and they say they got it all with the lumpectomy....WHY? am I taking so much chemo and ruining what good cells I DO have?  I just cannot get my brain wrapped around that!! If anyone can help...please do cause it's driving me nuts wondering if I am doing the right thing with chemo/radiaition.

Geeeshhhhh that was SUCH a relieve to get that out.....no one will hear me in the professional field because they are all trained to do what they can for the patient on a medical standpoint.

Maybe I just ask too many questions.. but the way I figure it...it's MY LIFE... MY BODY... I wanna know now!!! (where are those cute little screaming emoticons when u need one?

Anyways......thanks for listening gals....you are the bestest

~Belinda~ 

Hello, Ladies.  Back from my errands -

Looks like next time we have a chemo party.   My next one is Dec. 22.   I had them move it up from Chistmas Eve in hopes of traveling the next week.   Deb is tentatively on Christmas Eve if her new doc is on the same schedule.   Kristi is Dec. 19.  Debbie is Dec. 26 and Cristl is every week.   Barb is the 22nd and Belinda the 23rd.   Those are the ones I can remember.   Well, that will be an interesting week on this site.  

Barb (BTW, I haven't forgotten to respond to your other note, just been busy) - I also had my period over this last chemo treatment.  That was MISERABLE.  Caused the hormones to be that much more excentuated.   Think it was a major contributor to my depression.  This, despite a warning from my doc that the chemo would "shut down my ovaries".  Bah !   Not that I want them shut down or anything.  It just set up certain expecations when she said that.    I am sorry I made you cry with my "journal post", but somehow really happy you could relate to that.   It was something really hard to explain.    Hope your boss is treating you better these days.. and don't work too hard ! 

Belinda - I found your post very interesting.  First, let me say how sorry I am about your personal situation with your husband's job and the house.   You are about the 100th person who has told me that 2008 sucked.  You weren't kidding.   This year has sucked.  I cannot wait to get out of it.  I am sure the stress of the home front is not helping you, but despite that you sound amazingly "up".

Now.. in regard to your questions... you know, the more I read, the more I am finding there is nothing predictable about this.   I know another triple neg. lady that had Stage IV mets four years ago and is now beating the odds.  Xeloda has been a wonder drug for her.    But, I know another lady who had very early stage I about 2 years ago (was not triple neg), did all the "right things" and the damn thing came back in the form of mets.   So.. the first thing you need to realize is that this thing is not predictable.  All the docs can do is play the stats.   Sometimes the stats work in your favor and sometimes they don't.   That said, you make a good point in that it is YOUR body and YOUR choice.   I have found that being an advocate for yourself is the only way to keep from falling through the cracks in this weird medical establishment of ours.    So.. ask as many questions as you would like to those docs.  That is what they get paid for.

Now, because this is a personal decision, all I can tell you is how I arrived as to where I did and the trade offs and risks I decided to take.    My case was classic "mushy middle" - small, but nasty tumor.   Was looking for a regimen that got me to single digits in terms of recurrence risk.   I ended up on a Taxol/Herceptin (followed by radiation followed by a year of Herceptin) because it got my recurrence risk down into the 4-5% range.  Now, there were some other regimens I could have done that would have knocked off another 1-2%, but they came with other associated risks like heart risks, leukemia, etc.   For me that additional 1-2% was not enough to warrant those risks.  However, I know other ladies who want to go for the gusto and knock that sucker down as low as possible and are willing to take other risks to do that.   That is their choice.        

I put what stats I know of you (only one I did not know was your age) into Adjuvant.  And despite being triple neg., it does appear that chemo knocked off about 10% off your recurrence risk.   Of course, this is age dependent and of course, I am not a doc.   So.. you could ask your doc who knows your case about chemo and recurrence risk and what it buys you and decide if it is worth it to you.   But, my advice is to not let it make you crazy nor a self fulfilling prophechy that the cancer will come back.  Perhaps the stats will work in you favor - especially since they caught it so early !      

I hope this helped.

Jill

Barb -

I will send you my e-mail address via Private message.   You can scan in and send me your path report if you want.  Mind you, I am pretty good at reading them, but because I am not a medical professional, the best I can do is kind of guide you in terms of the questions to ask.     

And yes, with a tumor of your size, it would be very common to do the chemo first to shrink it. 

Jill

Hello everyone!

It has been a few days since I have been on.  It makes me feel so warm when I get here on this site with women I know yet have never met.  I don't know if your tail, short, skinny, fat or even jolly or sad, but I feel so close to all of you.  Maybe it's just my mood but, even if it is, I am just so happy for the experience of getting to know you.  Thank you for letting me into your world and for being so bluntly honest with me about your fears and allowing me to express mine.

Belinda - welcome, if I do say so, we are a bunch of really cool women.  I will let you know that this emotional thing is pretty tough.  Be cautious and let yourself go, I have cried about 150 times.  I am a crier anyway, but crying has been a great release for me.  I am a strong person but I have felt so weak through this journey that I thought there was no return, but each time I manage to come back.  Just take one day at a time, and live the best you can.  We are there for you.

Jill - I love it when you journal/post, but this is one of the first times that I have heard you so sad.  I am hurting for you.  The key word is "lonely".  My intellectual self was analyzing me and that is the exact word that I came up with.  Even though we can share this bond through this blog, it still does not stop that lonely feeling we get.  You can sit at home or at an office desk and feel so isolated from the world around us.  It seems like there is know one there to take that feeling away.  Having a husband that loves and cares about you does definitely help.  Just having them hold you makes so much difference, it is better than any talking could ever do.  I know that you are having a tough time eating, try anything with protein so that you can keep your strength up.  I have nuts in the afternoon.  Also, I started to plan for people to visit me at specific times, so that they would bring me up, otherwise I would sit and dwell all the time about this terrible disease.  Let us know if we can do anything.

Deb, Yeah...finally a new doctor.  It is so important that you can trust him/her and feel like they really care.  I hope they get you back on schedule.  I think I would tell them everything and let them know that you are putting your trust in them and really need their help.  Good luck!

I am feeling really good (knock on wood) and did get into the holiday spirit.  We got a tree, I put up lights, my son is home for college, my daughter is studying for finals, my husband put the rest of the outdoor lights up, we went to friends house......and I even had a half a glass of wine....my 1st since chemo.  I have been on miralax daily and have not had stomach pains, so I hope it is working.  I do have this kind of knot in my throat, am not really sure what it is but it has been there for a few weeks.  Also, a bit of heart burn, something I have never experienced.

I do feel like I look at life a little different, I am not sure if it is because I am going through this journey or because of the way people look at me.  They do look at me differently, and at first I was really worried about it but now I am starting to understand it because I am different.  I have/had cancer!  Not something any of them can say.  Not something I am proud of, but it is something that I cannot do anything about.  Maybe somehow through it I can make their life easier...took one for the team.

Tomorrow night I am going to my running clubs Cristmas party (11 women).  It will be interesting to see the "looks".  Hopefully I will be strong, I have a great hat to wear.  I miss you all!  Stay happy, if you can.  Kristi

Nah Jill,. am drinking my water.....I am having the worse time with my stomach......So far today have taken my nexium, two otc pepcids, and swigged mylanta.....just horrible gas and heartburn.....IT WON'T GO AWAY!!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Not to mention, told ya that stupid neulasta shot doesn't work with me....am just feeling so weak and tired.........although that is improving on a daily basis.........but this stomach, omg, if it isn't better tomorrow, everyone on this board will hear me screaming tomorrow morning and not on here, thru their windows.

And be quiet about your pic, Ladies, Jill is a beautiful, adorable person, I know cuz I've met her! Cute as a button...........

Luv, hugs and prayers

Deb

Hey Kristi

  I've always had stomach problems......it's intestinal.....gerd and ibs so this doesn't make it any easier..........I'm seeing him this Thursday nite for the first time.....am sure the subject will come up, although like I said, am taking nexium and otc pepcid already.....ain't much else you can take......Might just try one of my librax pills,,,,theyr'e supposed to ease stomach spasms......hmmm good idea Deb!

  It's winter here too, as we speak, we're on a Winter Weather Advisory......they were calling for freezing rain, sleet and snow, maybe 2-3 inches by morning...........guess will wait and see what happens.........I detest it, since starting Chemo I get so cold so easy..............but it's nice for the fact that I can let my dogs out and when they come back in, there's no muddy paw prints to mop up........(ground is froze!)

Luv, Hugs and prayers

Deb

Oh, Deb, I saw the article on the hormones too- and I guess I did this to myself also. Have had just horrible hotflashes for years and years, and used a patch. So...I will advise my daughter to put up with them, no matter how hard that will be. I'm so hoping she won't have to go thru this .... Debbie

OK, Ladies -

Home from work now.   I left early today because it started snowing, and everyone was freaking out about it because was supposed to turn to ice (didn't happen).  Personally, I think people just needed a break this close to the holidays.  You can tell people are ready for vacation - including me.

Anyway, lots and lots and lots to react to... I love it when you guys get going.  

First, I went in and checked out the rest of the study that I mention in my above post.  Really cool study.   My particular take on it is that this one will change some existing treatment protocols and paradigms.   The science was very definitive and clear (don't worry, won't bore you with it).    I feel strangely relieved by what they found.  Basically, it validated the choice I made - and it makes my onc. look real smart.   My only concern now is whether she will want to be "more aggressive" than she had previously indicated.  She has a tendency to be really aggressive with treatment.  Will let you know as I see her tomorrow.  

Deb - Glad to hear from you and to see you are not at the ER !   But, sorry to hear that you are still having those lousy stomach problems.  Yuck.    I can hardly wait until you see your new doc on Thurs.  Hope he can suggest some things to help you.    Oh.. and I forgot... couldn't tell Kristi I was tall, willowy, blonde with a perfect figure.. You would have blown my cover, given you know the truth.   And thanks for the compliment - I will certainly be very happy with "cute".  You know, the other day I went to a party and wore a Santa hat over my normal one.  One of my bosses told me (and I quote) that I was "real cute dressed like an elf".  An ELF.... I am pretty sure that was a short joke.   I told him that "Elves wore green hats and had funny shoes."   He just laughed.  An elf... sheesh...

Kristi - First of all, I am not convinced that it is those "7 years" you have on me that might be causing you to still have physical therapy and need a nap.   It just might... oh, I don't know.. have something to do with the extra 12 nodes you had removed (vs. my 6) and the chemo regimen you are on.  I suspect without that, you could run circles around me physically.   I figured that out when I saw you were a member of a "running club".   I don't mind a little physical activity, but I could really see myself more part of a "sit around and drink a lot of wine and tell bad jokes" club.   As for going to California -  We will be flying to LA on Dec. 27.  I have already been told by my support group to wear a compression sleeve on my right arm for the airplane - one of the ladies actually loaned me one.  We will be there until Jan. 3.    That blasted storm better be gone by then.   

Debbie - As you know, I am always glad to hear from you.  Even happier that the chemo has not caused you to lose your sense of humor.  "Cranial Prothesis?!!  What will they think of next ?   Also, your husband sounds a lot like mine.  Most of the time he is a saint, but once in a while he does something that he should be smacked for.   For example, he is thinning on top and informed my oncologist that he was "upset" that I managed to beat him in the hair loss competition when he had a 19 year head start on me.    My doc just sat there and laughed.  Of course, I wanted to smack him.    As for being married when you were 12... think the chemo is messing with your brain already.  You blew that cover a couple of pages back when you made sure the group was well aware that you were married TWO years before having your first child at 20.   But.. if it makes you feel better.. I will go along with you. Seriously, glad to see you are back and doing relatively well.  Remember, you can lean on us anytime you need.

Well, I suspect I bored you enough for now.   Take care ladies.

Jill

Jill, you wouldn't be Jill as a tall, willowy blonde!!!!! Being tall is over rated believe me....I think all tall women want to be shorter, shorter women want to be taller, we're never happy with who we are.....even though others are......and I can't wait to meet the new doc either...I just know he is going to say, OK that's enough Adriamycin......(chemo does cause hallucinations right?) I just don't understand the whole thing about shrinking this tumor or calcifications when the area is so small anyway.....I mean come on, we're talking MM's here....and don't understand how they can just feel under my arm and determine it's cancer without testing it......soooooo many questions......I think I'm just sick of the chemo and looking for rationalisms for stopping it.....

Belinda, I wish I could eat like that! So far I've lost weight, mind you I'm not complaining....but it's a heckuva way to do it......and it's funny you live in Goshen, Indiana, I actually live in Goshen, Ohio.....Loveland is just my mailing address........Land O' Goshen!  As for emotional changes, I haven't gotten bitchy, I've just gotten really weepy lately.....things that didn't bother me before, wil now make me cry......And I absolutely hate that.....

Oh well, gonna get and finish this delicious strawberry malt my hubby stopped and got for me on his way home from work tonite and get a bath.......you all take care.............

Luv, Hugs and prayers to all....

Deb

Good morning ladies.

Just thought I would chime in. As for weight gain or loss, I guess I agree with Jill on that. I maintained my weight during treatment, but as soon as they put me on the Arimidex, I slowly started gaining. I have gained 15 pounds so far and can't seem to get rid of it. Good thing I am tall, 5' 9", so I can pull it off. So that being said, now I wish I had lost weight during treatment, so the weight gain would just put me back to normal! Not by any means that I am suggesting to lose weight...   we MUST stay healthy during treatments.

Deb, read your posts about the "witch doctor". Glad you are changing and I am wishing you the very very best with the new doc.

God Bless Us All

Lori

Today was treatment 3 of 4 Ya-hoo! The end of Chemo is getting closer.....then radiation for 30 treatments (6 weeks daily, minus weekends) then the new worries.....recurrence? Oh Well, that worry will always be there....I will deal with it day by day!

As far as eating more while on Chemo....I too notice that about me. After my treatment I get extra hungry for the first week, I also crave protein food, like right now I really want a good steak....I really think the decadron having a steroid in it has something to do with this, But I also notice in a day or two that the food I crave is more bland food, I think this is where my body is taking care of itself...it knows spicy/greasy food is going to tear me up, so I save that for week two and three. I have also maintained my original weight....which I could really lose some pounds!

Again my blood work before Chemo....My WBC was high, My Liver (ALT) was high, but I was in the range of still having the same treatment, no adjustments. My oncologist asked me if I did the blood test after starting the decadron.....yep I did.  Then we spoke of what was posted on here about decadron taper...she agreed for me to do this.

"The girls/Ovaries" I had to laugh....I have been in pre-menopause for many years, to having only two periods a year.....so here I go for Chemo and the oncologist says that the Chemo will put me in menopause..... I say Yeah! lets get this over with.....So since I started chemo I have had a period both times! What is with this! I will wait and see what happens with round three.

I am hoping for the best for all n this board, and Thankyou for all the time everybody spends on here, it really helps me know that I am not alone.

Now its time for me to and move my husband off my side of the bed and after I get him to be not a bed hog, then I'm gonna go hog his side and cuddle up.

Goodnight to all.

Wow Deb I'm soooooo Tickled for! You have a Little yellow brick road to follow but Hey Lady you will get through it!

Take it one step at a time. I know kicking one habit is so hard. Don't beat yourself over it okay??

Love,

Jerri

Hello Ladies,

 Deb I am so happy that you finally have a great doctor.  Sorry about the stage 2 vs 3. But atleast you have someone that can direct your future chemo for you.  Doesn't it feel great to feel your doctor is competent.  Good luck with the smoking, I can only imagine.  Don't get down on yourself, you are dealing with a lot now.  I'll be thinking of you.

Jill - How is life going?  Are you packed and getting ready to go? Next week right?  The weather has been cold here, only into mid 60's during the day, and 40's in the night, I hope it gets warmer for you. 

Chemo is tomorrow, I am getting a bit depressed because I know I will be sick for 4/5 days.  I am tired already.  I am hoping that having the kids home and off from school will distract me, I just hope they are not going to tire me out.  Here we go, (TAC) and the N shot, all in one day ick.  I will be there for a couple of hours. A friend is taking me for the first time, my husband has his office party. 

Hang in there everyone.  I know that everyone is getting ready for Christmas, I am ready because I had to be, presents are wrapped, and packages are sent, I even baked cookies and scones.  My kids will deliver them to neighbors and all the people that have been helping us.

I would love to send them to you also!!!!  Virtual Cookies....no calories!  Kristi