I Just Want to Be Selfish

LW85 · December 2008

LW85 · December 2008

I feel so selfish right now...and I want to be selfish! When my mom told me she had breast cancer I had just graduated college and quit my apartment search and decided to live at home with my parents, try to be a help. That was in August. She has gone through 4 chemo treatments (every other Friday) and just had her mastectomy. She said she may have the lat 4 chemo treatments every week then do radiation. I was excited because I was thinking it would be over soon. Well now she has to have more tissue removed then start chemo again a month after...but the chemo will be every 3rd week! That means it will go until March and then she will have radiation for six weeks or something (everything changes so much I'm not going to bank on that). I feel awful because when she told me about the chemo all I could think about was myelf. I can't even think about how she has to go through it for such a long time. She's the one who is weak and hurting and isn't halfway through. I have been able to be relatively positive for her...but now I just feel like I'm numb. I just want to start my own life, but I can't. I mean I want to be there for her but I just want to be through it all. There is probably at least five months left and we haven't even gone through five months yet. I just can't picture getting through the rest. My parents have done so much for me and I want to be there but I just want a break. My emotions have been a little all over lately. I don't know...I just needed to get this out.

Jadai · December 2008

It's ok. I have just started this journey with my mom too and I sometimes hate having to stop everything to drive her to appointments twice a week, do the shopping, laundry, etc, it stinks. Then I see her so tired and weak and I start to cry. Mainly for her but also because I feel so guilty for having those thoughts. It is hard for us too and you have every right to feel how you feel, especially being just out of college. I am sure that your mom hates that you have to be there too. Time will go by fast and all you can do is your best. I know she appreciates everything you do so hang in there and take some time for yourself. Have some friends over, go out for a fun night.....you need to take care of yourself in order to be a good caregiver to your mom. Please feel free to email me if you need to. I don't know what I would have done without the people here.

LisaF · December 2008

You poor dears! I'm a 50 year old mom, and feel for you.

Maybe I'm just lucky, but I've driven myself to every chemo. I'm pretty strong and love just reading a book or watching crappy television when I'm getting the chemo. Maybe your moms have a much worse diagnosis than me, but I really don't think that you should have to put your young lives on hold. THe more I do for myself, the less "sick" i feel.

Take a look at these boards. There are plenty of people who work full time through chemo and radiation. I hope that I'm not belittling your moms, but there is room for a full life for yourself AND her. You both sound like wonderful young women. Hang in there and take care of yourselves!!

Jadai · December 2008

Thanks Lisa. I know my mom can do more for herself and she doesn't so I get frustrated. She does have a stage IV (mets to bone) inflammatory breast cancer diagnosis as well as a chronic form of leukemia which isn't really an issue at this point. She has been doing great on chemo and has had minimal side effects. She has only had 2 rounds of chemo and is so afraid of getting a cold or anything else. Actually, if you saw and talked to her you wouldn't think anything was wrong. She won't even drive!!!!!! I don't know. I have been the "tough love" one my whole life but can't seem to muster it for this. Thanks again Lisa, you are an inspiration!

LisaF · December 2008

Dear Jadai,

I'm sure my attitude would be different if I was Stage IV, I didn't realize that when I posted. I'm just stage 2, so there is a big difference. Would your mom be willing to look at posts from here? There is a great section on people dealing with mets. Many are living their lives with gusto. BUt once again, I'm not in your mom's shoes, so I don't want to assume.

My heart goes out to you. I many time think I'm so lucky being the one with the cancer instead of the one on the side not really knowing how to best handle it. But make sure you take good care of yourself. You are worth it!!

LW85 · December 2008

Thank you for your responses. My mom is stage II. She worked full time up until her surgery. She is being really strong and my dad goes to the appointments with her. She drove herself to the last chemo she had and went by herself. I probably am taking on more than I have to, maybe even more than I should. Right now she can't do some things because of the surgery, but I suppose if I stop doing some things then she will and maybe it will help her heal faster. I know she doesn't want me to give up the things I want and what I want to do to stay home with her...but I just don't feel like I can move out yet. I guess I will keep an open mind and see how things go. Thank you for your thoughts. It's nice having someone to talk to. That's a really hard part of this...I feel like not many people really understand.

Jenniferz · December 2008

So be selfish!!! Heaven know, as caregivers, you have every right to want your life back. As a survivor, I know I put my dh through all kinds of he**, and I honestly don't know how he put up with me. Or my best friend either.

Cancer affects everyone....not just the patient. I had my girls come and stay with me for a week to help, and one turned around the day she went home and came back to "help" some more. At one point there, I really didn't know who was the crutch, and who needed one, but that's ok. Emotions run high, all are scared, but you will make it through. My family and I did.

So, being selfish on your part is a good thing now and then. If you want to go do something special for YOU, do it! I can bet your mothers won't mind a bit.

Having said that, I was just a stage 1, but I am a mom!

Be kind to yourselves.

Jennifer

vivre · December 2008

As a Mom, I can tell you that most of us want to pretend we are fine so that we do not make it harder on our kids. We tend to hold a lot in so as to not upset them. It is natural that you want to get out on your own, after how hard you have worked, and bamm, you are hit with this. All I can say is that whatever you do for your Mom now, will bring you closer. Sit with her and get her to talk. This could be a real opportunity for your relationship, because when we go through BC it causes us to do a lot of soul searching. The fact that you are there for you mom, will help her to heal and she will be so proud of you. This could be a wonderful opportunity to strengthen the bond with your Mom.

The reason I say this is because, I lost my stepmother from cancer when I was in my early 20's. She kept all of her pain and anguish hidden from us until it was too late. To this day, I wish that I had talked with her instead of getting on with my life. Yeah, I deserved it. I had just put myself through college and had worked hard to get off on my own. But now I wish that I had had some conversations with her, that I could have passed on to my younger siblings. They were way too young to understand, and stuggled to grow up without her. I wish I would have known what she would have liked me to say to them. And I wish I had told her that she was a wonderful role model for me before she was so pumped up on morphine that she did not know what was happening.

mandeesa · April 2009

i'm feeling this way a lot. I feel bad about but at the same time I don't. I don't think God wants us to feel guilty for also wanting a life outside of this messy thing called cancer. My mother in law is the one who has it. My husband and I get frustrated b/c it feels like sometimes all we hear about is the cancer and all they want to talk about is the cancer. Cancer cancer cancer. Even as a caregiver or a supporter (our support is long distance, they live in SD and we live in OH) it can take its toll. Sometimes we just want a conversation taht DOESN"T revolve around cancer in some way. Sometimes we just want mom to be mom. Sometimes we just don't want to have to think about the fact that this cancer could take her tomorrow. Sometimes we just want to be selfish and pretend it doesn't exist and that we are free to go about our lives like we used to. I think that's normal although i have been told i'm being un-compassionate and shallow for sometimes feeling this way. But I have a feeling those people who say those things either aren't a supportor or aren't being honest with themselves. I don't think its anything to be ashamed of. I'm not. I would however if I just turned my back on her completely. Sometimes you just need a break just like she does. My mother in law is fortunate that my husband works for an airline so they get free or discounted flights for way cheap. Her escape is flying to a beach somewhere and she just lets it all go and forgets about it for a few days. we all need that once in a while.

barbe1958 · April 2009

I would be horrified if my kids huddled around me. The guilt I would feel if they put their lives on hold would be more painful than anything else! I had a double mastectomy and no one helped me except my husband and that's all I expected! Two of my kids are getting married this year and whenever we talk I make sure it's about the excitement and planning. I want to forget about the cancer!

For someone to want to keep talking about it, that's because it's all she has to hang onto, or she hasn't had the chance to deal with it herself. Professional help or medical intervention (drugs for depression) are sometimes necessary. Cancer is a life-altering disease and it is hard to deal with. If someone can't get past that, they need need a big hug and a gentle push to the doctor for help. Mothers are used to being the nurturers not the ones asking for help.

Silje · February 2010

I just signed up on this site, and found this entry. I must say, I am in the exact same situation as you. I just graduated from university and am now studying hard to get in to do another degree. In one way this is a good thing as it gives me something to focus on; on the other hand I go around and feel guilty for not being supportive enough and for not being the ideal daughter, or angry because my mother's cancer somehow gets in the way of the way I had planned my life.

Our mothers are weak and need us, but I find that (at least where I live), there's no real support system for us who actually have to carry our mothers and families while they are ill. And my mother (I don't know is this is normal or if she is somehow different from the rest) has just sat down and given up on having a life altogether. She got cancer, and stopped living. She's been passive since her masectomy in December, and one part of me just wants her to start living again, so that I can go on living as well. She's now got 2 weeks left of her radiation. So far she's escaped the chemo, but they've found some worrying liver results, and her ribs still hurt almost 3 months after her op.

I Just Want to Be Selfish

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