depresstion making me question the fight

Stephanie, keep the faith, someday you will be well and whole and in an unimaginable place of joy but until then please don't let your family and friends get you down.  If I lived anywhere near you, you would have a friend to help you clean and cook for you at no charge.  I don't have a good relationship with my mom either, it is like she only has enough love for one person at a time. I am starting to accept that.  Please hang in there, there are so many people who read your post and are inspired and love you.  I truly do love you Steph as one Christian woman to another.  If I can help in anyway please pm me.  God bless you and you are right God is able, he will get you through this.  Thankgoodness you had the friend that came by with some money and support.  You need more of that.  Love you girlfriend  Sherry

Thinking of you and praying for you and your family.

Amen!   

Stephanie, I am so sorry things seem to be at such a low point for you in life.  Cancer is hard enough without the support we need.  I know I am fortunate to not be in too much of harsh tx right at the moment but the dang tx I've had made such a mess of my back and muscles that I might as well be in a harsh tx course.  What can I do for you?  I would be happy to road trip it to you and be there to help you for a few days.  Anything to try and help you get back up and feeling like a real person who is truly loved and special (which you are)!

My family is begging me to move home so they can care for me but they just can't understand that I have made such close friends where I live that they are as good, if not better than my blood relatives.  Blood does not make someone love and care about you, it is the person inside of you that does that.  You have been such a strong lady on this board supporting us and now it's our turn to help you.

The loss of your dad had to be devastating.  I lost my dad at the ripe age of 12 and will never forget holding him up as he took his last breath.  when that happened he became dead weight and slid out of my arms onto the floor.  I cried so badly to please wake up and he just wouldn't.  then I had to watch the men from the ambulance crew work on him, they were relentless with CPR and did not stop for a second even though their efforts were futile.  It was so so hard to be so young and then listen to other teens compaining about their parents.  They had everything I wished I could have and wanted to just rip them up.  He has been dead 21 years now and to memorialize his death my beautiful daughter was born on the day we buried him 10 years after his death.  Her birthday reminds me of the good and bad things in life but I know he lives on in her and I have to hold onto that.  I don't share this story much let alone on such a public forum but I want you to know I truly understand that grief and the struggles that go with it.  I sent you a PM, please check it.

Take Care and please know we really do love you here!

Dear Stephanie,

I hope today is a better day.  I know that it is easy to say.  That's what I tell myself when I am having a meltdown.

I'm 48 and have spent the past 20 years in and out of therapy.  I had anxiety and depression issues my whole life, but was highly functioning and well adept at putting on a pretty smile and pretending everything was OK.  I was the "parent" to my parents and my sister was their child. Neither of my parents had effective parents. 

Just because your mom is a minister, doesn't mean she can be a mother.  People assume that knowing where you grew up or what your father did; you had a wonderful home life.  Wrong!  I don't even want to tell you the things my mother says and does, or usually, doesn't.  She's the most wonderful friend in the world.  But being her daughter is something else.  Everyone at the cancer center knows her and loves her.  They must think I'm crazy.  I can make this stuff up.    My dad died 18 months before my diagnosis.  His love was very conditional and he ruled through fear. You don't want to know how he treated my sister.  

I'd had many losses the two years before diagnosis - 11 deaths, filed for divorce, 3 jobs, 3 funerals, and my now ex destroyed our credit, blew through our few assets, and took off with one of my dogs.  He developed unacceptable behaviors at the end of a long term marriage.  The Police were awful and the Prosecutor's Office was even worse.  I moved four times in three states in a year due to stalking, and took him to court four times.  All I wanted was my half per state law. I was left over $30,000 in debt and awarded short-term, partial rehabilitative alimony.  

Two days before that hearing, I received the call from my surgeon. I never heard from anyone in my dad's family.  Or my mom's, except from a cousin that I did not really know.  She called every week and came east the day after my last rad.  A woman with a PhD from Columbia, and asked if I really had cancer!  I have one friend out of state that never got it and always talked about what her mom did 20 years ago and was in her 70s when diagnosed. 

My sister and her current husband received the luxury of a week off with pay courtesy of my having cancer.  They finally showed up 6 months later.  Did you see the movie, "Million Dollar Baby"?  At the end when she was in the hospital and her family showed up.  Same deal in a way.  Just without the shyster lawyer.

During my journey, I had to do pretty much everything for myself and did not have emotional support.  I took myself to most treatments, was pretty much on my own post surgically (4X) was new to the area, didn't have kids, family etc.  I was too depressed for support groups and nobody was in my situation. 

I had very poor relationships with my doctors, all men. With the DV/SA local rate, you'd think they would understand simple requests for personal space, etc.  Then, they don't like how you react, and it just gets worse.  Or, if you don't do everything their way and will not consider your personal resources and limitations.  My parents were medical professionals and I used to work in medical schools.  I was used to having very different relationships with my physicians, and have been a patient of someone's since the day I was born.  I shook the trees trying to get help.  But, it was either that I as not a senior or my income was just over limit.  There have been people who have been very kind and helpful. 

At this point, I am scared to death -- I haven't worked in 3 years.  If I go out and earn $1, I will loose my Medicaid.  My last surgery is scheduled for Feb. 6th, and my alimony runs out at the end of the month.  I need to relocate.  My 16 year-old Jeep was just totaled.  I moved in with my mom this month, it is supposed to be temporary.  Had to give away my two beautiful, sweet cats and foster my dog out.  My pets have always been my comforts.  It has been a real set back emotionally.  

I have always been strong and a survivor but I'm tired of "life", too.  I feel it will end in February.  I am highly educated but lack current work experience (in my field it will be 5 years May), and my disability appeal hearing will be in the summer at the earliest.

I understand how you feel.  We just have to get through the day.  A phone call or the simplest thing can make my day.  What state/area do you live?  I've lived all over.

Nancy

Just want you to know that I continue to send up prayers for you......

Stephanie ~ so glad to see you were able to vent and get some support and feedback...life sneaks up on us sometimes and depression sets in before we even know what hit us. I'm glad you did not keep it bottled up but instead, came here - amongst your friends - and let it out. You are a dear, and many many people here love you and love reading your posts. Love to you and praying for better days!

Stephanie,

You have touched so many of our lives in such a positive way.  Where do you live?  There are many women out there reading these boards, and I'm sure some of us have to be near enough to you to come and show you how much your are loved.  Let us know!!!!!!!!!  We are here for you, and if I'm physically nearby, I will come.  You are not alone.  I am so sorry for all the people who have let you down in life.

Hugs

Bobbie

Dear Patmom -

My divorce was March 6, 2007.  I was given 3 years of temporary/rehabilitative alimony to get back to work and up to my former position and salary.

The moving and Motion requests were the first year - trying to get him off my back, and trying to get one very important sentence in my agreement honored and enforced, "The wife shall be held harmess for  ..." (what his not honoring paying the mortgage, etc.) while I was out of state taking care of my dad for 3 months and burying him 12/18/05.  My third funeral to take care of that year.

The last Motion date was read 4/28/07.  I was diagnosed on 4/26/07.  Would it be worth it?  I have been dealing with Police, the Prosecutor's Office, the creditors, doctor's, disability, NJ Victim's Comp. No money, just bureaucracy.  I have a Master's in Publlic Administration.  Every once in a while I try another angle.  I am very depressed and am having what I assume to be "late effects" that exhaust me and are painful.  Guess you can say that I am really beaten down right now.

I don't want to deal with that Judge or the legal system if the result will be futile.  I don't know if I want my ex to know that I have been sick because I'm not in the mood to have him start busting my chops again.  He has a big income, too.

Nancy

The Motion requests were

Stephanie,

I too am glad to see from your posts here and on other threads that you are feeling better.  You are an important part of this online community, and we are all so much richer for your participation.   We all have down/crisis times, and I'm glad that you reached out for support from your cyber sisters. 

Nancy,

The way I count, 3 years of alimony that start in March of 2007 should run until March of 2010, so you should not be losing that in a couple of months.  I certainly can understand that there are many reasons not to alert your ex to your health situation, but please realize that it may come down to needing to do that.  He and the judge may both surprise you if you find that  you need to do that.   This judge gave you 3 years to get yourself back together, get a job "in your field" and get back on your feet financially.  He had no way of knowing that your physical health would make it difficult if not impossible to start that process in a timely manner.   Hopefully, a year from now you will be done with surgeries and recovery, in a job you love, and working to get your new life started and on track.  For right now, concentrate on caring for yourself, making sure that you get all the support you need, and participating on this board is a great start in that direction, your local American Cancer Society may also be a source of help. 

I am so sorry for you.  Your post brought me to tears because I envisioned my mom in the same situation.  You really need to drop these people from your life, as hard as it is.  You have enough to deal with without them making it worse.  I think a support group would be a great idea.  I can't believe that she actually said to have the housekeeper bring you a plate.  I can't imagine how hard this is on you. 

i sure wish i could invite you to dinner.

i'm so sorry you are sad and hope you are not as sad as your first post. 

Hi Stephanie , I'm giving you the biggest hug ever

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Stephanie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yes , thats right , to HELL with BC! You celebrate the New Year. God has blest you with some great , caring people in your life. I'm so glad you broke down at the docs. So he could give you what you need. The zoloft should help just fine. Everyone here cares sooo much for you Stephanie. When the people who are family and are suppose to take care of us , and be there , and they are not. That hurts. And I am very sorry you are going through that. But even though you don't see us daily , or even talk to some of us daily , we care and understand always. And I plan on going to see my family in 09' , and I go to McMinnville via , Nashville and Murfreesboro , if its doable for you , I would love to stop in. I'm not sure where you are , but you can pm me and let me know. You have been and always are in my daily prayers Stephanie. Your road has been long and twisty-turny , and I pray this year it smoothes out for you. You are such a wonderful , loving witness for the Lord , you have helped me in ways you'll never know. You just keep on , keepin on. No matter what path your life leads , you are never alone.

Lord , I pray that you bless your dear Child Stephanie ,with everything she needs in this lifetime. Help her to overcome her fears and grief , and give her the strength to endure any and all storms. We Thank You Lord for the blessing of her doctors. Please bless and guide them with your infinite wisdom to help Stephanie in anyway she needs help. And Lord , Thank you so much for Blessing us with Stephanie. She is a true guiding light  and inspiration for us. As always , we pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. Take care Stephanie , and know , you are loved. xxxx Melody