depresstion making me question the fight
I'm exteremely depressed. I feel I don't have a reason to fight anymore. My kids have migrated more towards their father now and only call when they want something. My mother inherited a home from my grandfather when he died and she's putting her every waking moment into selling the house. I've had to resort to hiring someone to cook for me and to come and clean my house. My mom was so mad that I hired someone (after looking at the dishes in my sink for a week or more) to clean my kitchen. She told me the night before thanksgiving to call who ever I hired to clean the kitchen and tell them to bring me a plate for thanksgiving. She went on to say that she doesn't have to treat me like s%$t because my kids treat me like s%#t. She's right they do treat me bad. Nobody loves me. My father died and his wife turned cold to me. My brother was killed in a motorcycle accident and his wife and kids got 800k settlement turned cold too. My remaining brother and sister are both drug addicts and I don't have a close relationship with them. Nobody on my father's side of the family speaks to me. What have I done?
I don't want to do chemo anymore. I don't want to fight anymore. I can't fight with my family (or so called family) and fight for my life too. It's too painful. I don't think it's right for a person who's sick to endure such emotional pain. It's worse than the cancer. My family and friends have turned a deaf ear to the situation and we're all merely waiting out the inevitiable. I want to go to heaven and not have to worry with the woes of this world anymore.
I'm alone on thanksgiving and nobody cares. What have I done in life to deserve this. I've always tried to help people. Yes, I've been opinionated but never anything to deserve the hell that I live everyday. Lonliness is a dark place.
I know what you're saying, get medication. I'm tired of medication and don't want anything to gloss over this reality that I live in. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. MY FAITH IS STRONG but I'm tired.
God is able, stephanie
Comments
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Stephanie -
You don't sound like you're in a good place.
I know that you haven't done anything. Things are just changing and you don't feel well so everything is looking grim to you.
I have no idea where your Mom is coming from but it sounds so crazy that I think it's got to be a lot more about her than you. Let it go!
I am praying for you and hope that venting a little here helped you to feel better. God knows and cares for you, as do I.
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Stephanie,
this is indeed a sad and hard situation for you to endure. Amazing how selfish people can be.
Maybe there is somebody with an organisation that can coordinate visits with people that care, like volunteers that help out, support groups maybe?
I agree with Rose, try to let it go, they don't deserve your time.
Praying for you!!!
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Stephanie,
I am so sorry you are in such a bad way. It is very selfish of your family to leave you alone on thanksgiving and treat you so badly. I do agree with Rose and Calico...you don't deserve this and you need to let it all go. I don't understand where your mother is coming from whatsoever!
Since you are such a strong faithful person....you know that God knows when your time will be when he wants you in heaven with Him...and it may not be now. You said Nobody loves me...however your God in heaven loves you!! Remeber that. I hope things improve for you. I will keep you in my prayers.
xoxo
Lisa
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Stephanie,
My mom and I have had a strained relationship since the day I was born. It took me many, many years to realize that I'm NOT the one with the issue, it is her. I am NOT unlovable, she is incapable of loving. Know that you are loved and life is worth living, even when it looks dark and bleek...
Linda
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Maybe it is me. Do you think all these people could be wrong?
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Yes, they could be wrong. Please, Steph, don't blame yourself for anything, it zaps your strength. I think of today as Thanksgiving, but we could technically have Thanksgiving any day, right. We can sit down with those we love and eat turkey, related, non related, young, old, sick, healthy. You don't need to be with anyone who is in a selfish state right now. Thinking of you, Steph, with all my love. Maryiz
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NO, it is not you. Learned a long time ago, that some of us are not blessed with a loving, caring, concerned and helpful family/children - but that's on THEM. Sometimes life is not fair and this is one of those times. You deserve better and I hope and pray that God will send you a special person to help you through these long days. I will pray for your family to see the errors of their ways.
Stephanie, you have your "family" here on the boards, although I know first-hand it is not the same as caring blood relatives. We care about you and all your suffering. God Bless You and help you through these trying times.
Often, I pray to Archangel Michael:
Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.Amen.
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Stefanie - God is Able ! That's in your signature each time you write. And, God IS able, and He DOES love you. We ALL love you Stefanie!!! I pray that you have some peace in your mind and heart and that you have some relief from pain and discomfort in your body. God may not want you just yet, so you've still got some more uplifting, encouraging and pushing on down here on this ole earth!! You sound like a fighter, so get up girl and fight. The holidays are always harder on some of us, Personally, I'll be glad when we are past them, but please know that all of your BC sisters love you and are praying for you every day!! Wish we all lived in a little community so we could take care of each other. So sorry you're having a rotten day. God bless you in a very special way tonight!!!!
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Stefanie-
I have visited these boards now and then since dx a few years back, have always meant to take the time to register and learn how to post but couldn't get past the technology barrier. Decided I had to persevere to let you know that I'm also holding you up in prayer.
Marilyn
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Stef,
You and I don't know each other at all. But you made a statement that someone else picked up on. Our Father in heaven loves you. He loves you enough that he sent his ONLY son to die for you, for YOU, Stef. Yes, for me too, but for YOU. He loves you that much. He has given you the ability to fight this disease. He gave you life in this time period for a reason. Who knows whose life you are affecting by your fight. Maybe your mom's life, maybe your next door neighbor, maybe just an acquaintance who sees you at the store, who may find out next week that she has cancer, and you may come to mind, and give her the courage to fight.
Remember, Stef, that when it's the hardest, that's when God is carrying you. Let go and let God. He IS able. Allow him to be able. Give him this pain. Give him your depression. Offer it all up to God, and allow him to do what he wants with it.
Your guardian angel is with you always. We know from Scripture that each of us has a guardian angel. They are sent with us when we are born, to protect us. Ask that guardian angel to help you with this depression. Tell your guardian angel that this depression is hurting you. That your family problems are hurting you. That guardian angel is much closer to God than we are and is able to intercede on your behalf to our Lord.
My prayers will be with you during this hard time, Stef. You have love. From all of us, and from your Heavenly Father, and your angel.
God Bless,
Gracie
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Dear God! The thought of you lonely with your lovely spirit, strength, wit and intelligence saddens me. Please accect my deepest admiration for you. If you lived near me and I would have known, you would have been welcome over here. I am in So Cal. Truly, you are an inspiration. I cannot figure out your family, but I do imagine that they are trying to let go because they think that if they prepare it will hurt them less. Misguided, but so are the people who hear 'cancer' and back away rather than step forward. Maybe they do not realise that you are in need of their expressed love.
I hope I am not out of line if I tell you that I think that your medical team must be in awe of you. You are one strong, neat lady. When you do finally get to meet the Lord, you will have a standing line of angels lining your path, patting your back and cheering you on. The line however, will extend all the way down here to the currently earth bound. The cheering line will start here. There are many of us who care about you Stephanie.
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Tripleneg, I just called by here. I hate this stuff..it breaks my heart for you. ALL those things you mention are pure piffle. What you are living EVERY MINUTE is shite. I!!! love you
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Step - I hope that today finds you a little brighter.
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Stephanie, My heart goes out to you...You are worth fighting for......You are a special person...We need you here if no one else does......You are very much loved and wanted........I am in Alpharetta, Ga......Please know if you are any where near me you are always welcome in my home......If I had known you would not have been alone....What your mother said was absolutely unnecessary and cruel.....I am so sorry she said that to you.......Hugs and much love.......Lucy
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Stephanie
My heart too goes out to you. You have to snap out of it. Perhaps you could seek some professional help. Where I have my treatments they offer mind and body medicine, which is basically phychiatrists. I never needed it as I have very STRONG support from my family and friends. Put it in Gods hands. My prayers are for you AND your family.
Here is a little note that I got from one of my friends when I first started treatment. Hoping it helps, if just a little. ((((((HUGS)))))
To: YOU
Date:TODAY
From:GOD
Subject:YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE
This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day.
I love you.
P.S. And, remember...
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!
Now, you have a nice day.
God -
Oh, Stephanie, I am so sorry that the holidays are so hard on you. This is an ugly disease, and it costs us and those we love so much.
A friend of mine in recovery says that he doesn't go to his family any more, because, You don't go to a hardware store to buy milk! His family has nothing to give him, so he goes to friends and other people in recovery.
Are you active in a church? I know that you have a profound faith, but the other side of a community of faith is that they are a community, and that they take care of each other. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that you took meals to a bunch of people before BC. Can you ask for the support you need?
Where do you live? I know you could come to my house for Christmas, and I bet there are other people here who would like another face at their table at the holidays, particularly a face that has become so dear.
I trust that your kids are just being kids - they are drifting toward the part of their life that is less painful, because to be there with you probably reminds them that the time is coming when they won't have you. I hope that you can forgive them, because they do sound normal.
Love you, dear.
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Bump
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Stephanie,
I'm sorry you are so sad and alone right now. You are a very important member of this board and I'm praying that you're feeling better today. I'm praying for you.
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I'm trying to feel better. Thanks for the posts of encouragement. My mother is an ordained minister so there you go. She tried to apologize but it still left something to be desired. I think I have to get some new friends and get out of this house. I don't go anywhere because my white blood counts are 518 (the bottom of the bottom) so I can't expose myself to common areas.
I just want to clarify that I still have faith. Just because I'm depressed doesn't mean I need to be analyzed or medicated. I just need to talk and get it off my chest. Sometimes getting it out helps you to look at and decipher what's important and what's not. I think the fact that I put it out there helped me. Thanks for letting me be raw, open and honest. My life is a my life and will try to live it as long as God desires me to. God is able, stephanie
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Dear Stephanie,
I am glad you were able to share your feelings here. I am so sorry you are feeling so low. I am sending you my prayers and good wishes.
Ellen
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steph, you go right ahead and vent. We will listen and empathize. I am praying for your strength and your family.
Sue
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Hi Stephanie. I'm so sorry for your pain. I know as a believer that sometimes it can be hard to let all the yuck of life show because you don't want to give the impression that you've lost your faith or that your trust in God is weak. But just remember Elijah, who was so depressed that he asked God to end his life, or Job who in despair asked God why He would allow such misery into his life. Or for that matter, remember our Lord Jesus, who in the garden of Gethsemane asked the Father to "take this cup" from Him. He wept. And we weep too.
The people who should be rallying around you are messed up, and I'm so sorry for that. Remember you have a friend who is "closer than a brother," and He loves you. Whenever your time comes, it will come, and "great will be your reward." Until then, keep praying, trusting, and believing. And, get out of the house when you can with someone who can encourage you. I'll be praying for you, as well.
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Dear Stephanie,
I'm glad you're feeling a little better. Emily said it well in the comment above: "the people who should be rallying around you are messed up."
You know -- if you were healthy and ANYONE in your family needed help when they were sick (regardless of how "opinionated" they might be), I just KNOW you would be there. You know it too. You know you would be there even if the person had always been a pain in the rear. (I did this for ex-MIL when she had heart surgery, and she was NOT an exceptionally loveable person!)
You, I am quite sure, ARE exceptionally loveable. I actually think you have probably always been the person in the family taking care of others -- and, to put it mildly, the "taking-care-of" DNA seems a bit, um, weaker in some of the others...
Especially your mother -- and I know what it's like to have a mother (and an ex-MIL !!!) who is just not that much of a nurturer -- it's always a drag, but it's horrible at a time when you really need to be taken care of. I'm so sorry, but...
Yes, I think it's entirely possible that "all those people could be wrong" about you!!!
Hugs to you,
Ann
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Stephanie, I am so sorry to hear you sounding so down. It's not you. People are so selfish and into themselves nowadays. Your mothers' words were unforgettable. But I hope you can forgive her, for yourself. The world's in the situation it's in now because prople don't care. But WE care. You come and vent and let it out here. Because we do truly care. I am like the others. I wish I were close to you, and would have brought you that plate, too. And let your mother wonder. God bless you, Stephanie. And God is STILL truly able. Virginia
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Steph, as you say God is able and will always be able....You are a pillar of strength and courage to me.....I am ever so grateful to read your posts..... I want to thank you for helping me even though you never knew it.....i am not triple neg but nonetheless I am a survivor too......i hope and pray you are feeling better today...........Hugs and love......Lucy
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Stef I am sorry that all this is hitting you,. You are a good person and we know it here. How old are your kids? I think many times our kids no matter the age can be a real pain because they are not wanting to deal with cancer.Hey we don't either. They lash out and I am sure your kids dont mean it. Well your mom needs some counsel not you. When we feel so bad and then feel beat down we have more pity parties. I know I do. Being sick and seeing things that need doing and we feel to sick to do we get overwhelmed. BIG TIME.... Never forget we are here for you. What state do you live in ? GOD BLESS AND YOU ARE RIGHT HE IS ABLE....
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Ohhhh Steph, We love you......I'm sure there are many many others that love you too...God loves you...I sit here and just want to cry, for your saddness, for your family (and their lack of compassion at this time), for your loneliness, and most of all because you are always so strong, and I hate to hear your spirit broken...Your family must be scared, but they need to see how scared you are now..This is just heart breaking, I wish I could send you an entire Thanksgiving dinner through this darn computer...Time for a family meeting with EVERYONE, ex husband, kids mother, everyone..They all need to chip in and suck it up..No questions asked..They just need to step up now, you deserve it...It's not Santa who is watching, it is God who is watching..Stay strong friend, we are always here for you...Gentle hugs...KLynn..and hey, who isn't opinionated at times....
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Stephanie. Vent. Hash-it-all-out here with so many who do indeed love you.
Your raw broken-ness is what endears you to so many.
When I found this image this morning, I thought of you and came searching for a thread of yours:
I believe you will continue to be able to do everything, as long as he continues to give you strength.
I am so sorry that you are going thru these waters, but I rejoice that you have the faith to go thru.
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Thinking of you Stephanie..
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Dear Stephanie,
Don't give up hope. There are ups and downs for sure, and I sincerely hope that things will turn better.
If you are alone, you can always join a BC foundation, mixed with the people who understand your struggle, and with such companion, you won't feel so alone. I am sad that the rest are doing this to you, but please be strong.
Please rant here if you need to, we'll be here for you.
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