I think I have a problem

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    A small white pebble with its pale green heart will be held and filled with blessings for you, as will my prayers.

    Judie

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  • swimangel72
    swimangel72 Member Posts: 1,989
    edited November 2008

    I'll be praying for you Annie - watch out, here come the rest of your friendy female elephants ready to hold you up!

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  • guitarGrl
    guitarGrl Member Posts: 697
    edited November 2008

    Annie -

    my bestest vibes are going in your direction. Someone needs to come up with something quick for triple negatives - two of you getting bad news within a week is too f@#ing much!!!!!

    susan

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  • cmb35
    cmb35 Member Posts: 1,106
    edited November 2008

    Annie - wishing and hoping and praying for the best possible news for you. As my son would say, "times like a thousand!"

    And while I cringe and wonder just what he's learning in school, I also thing he's right on the money - times like a thousand Annie!

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  • NancyD
    NancyD Member Posts: 3,562
    edited November 2008

    Annie,

    Thinking about you today and wishing you all good things for the CT/PET scan. I have this theory about "luck"...that we have a certain amount that we use up during our lives, and since you haven't won the lottery, you still have a whole bunch. I hope it all comes together today.

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  • lvtwoqlt
    lvtwoqlt Member Posts: 6,162
    edited November 2008

    I'm here too Annie ready to hold you up along with all the other elephant/camels.

    sheila

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    Good heavens, Annie.  I don't know how I missed all of this, but I have.  I just read through the last 5 pages and can NOT believe what is happening in your life.  First, your daughter is a precious girl, and clearly wise beyond her years.  Second, I also am relieved that you are taking matters to someone who knows their stuff. 

    Third, I want you to know that I am here as another elephant (my butt can certainly attest to that).  I am sending out prayers for you and your beautiful family. 

    Love and prayers, Deb

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  • fightinhrd123
    fightinhrd123 Member Posts: 633
    edited November 2008

    Saying a prayer for you too Annie,

    Laura

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited November 2008

    Hi Annie, I hope you got my PM because my earlier comment didn't post!  I said "I like what NancyD has to say about luck -- and I'm praying for you, too."

    Hugs, Ann

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  • otter
    otter Member Posts: 6,099
    edited November 2008

    Annie, have a safe trip today, and I hope everything is totally uneventful.  Let us know how it goes.

    Huge hugs...

    otter 

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  • GracieM2007
    GracieM2007 Member Posts: 1,564
    edited November 2008

    Am here, sending good thoughts up into the ether for you today.  Hope all goes better today than in the past.

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  • HeatherBLocklear
    HeatherBLocklear Member Posts: 1,370
    edited November 2008

    Hi all,

    Today I had a total meltdown. The first "public" one since I was first diagnosed in February of this year. For some reason I simply couldn't stop crying and railing against the BS, against "my" BC, against fate, against the winds, against the world. I was lying in bed, trying to have a nap after a long session on the graduate council, and just lost it. I turned on Dr. Phil so I could wallow in the misery of others (oh, how admirable!), but it didn't work.

    Finally DH called the oncologist and told him I had "gone suicidal." He was wrong -- I wasn't suicidal, I was homicidal. Still am. Oncologist told DH to bring me in, so off we went, me without makeup (it had all melted off with the tears) and without the sheepskin that fools the outside world into thinking I'm normal. Sunglasses for minimal dignity. Oh, I am so vain, even now!

    DH told the oncologist we won't deal with the BS anymore. "You're the oncologist," quoth DH, "so you should be in charge. A surgeon has no business being P.I. on an oncology trial." The oncologist tried to minimize things, but we all know they cover one another's derrières. How can I trust anyone anymore?

    DH then reminded the oncologist he'd promised to get us an appointment with Vicente Valero at MD Anderson, and that Dr. Valero had agreed to see me. "If he hasn't returned my call by Monday", said the oncologist, "I'll get on this situation again." What can one do but insist, insist, and insist?

    Now we wait for the results of the PET/CT scan I had yesterday. I hope I still have a fighting chance. I really feel as though I had a full deck a couple of months ago, but someone (guess who?) took my cards out of my hands and frittered them away on cheap bets ...

    Love to all,

    Annie

    PS: What do skin mets look like?

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    Dear Annie,

    I don't know what skin mets look like.

    I do know what normal looks like. You had a normal day for one in your shoes. Naked. No sheepskin. No humps. Overflowing.

    Kudos to your DH and how he handled things.

    Otherwise, I am speechless and filled with caring.

    (((((((Annie)))))))

    Judie

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  • TenderIsOurMight
    TenderIsOurMight Member Posts: 4,493
    edited November 2008

    Annie,
     
    Meltdowns chip away all pretense, cut through the bull, reveal the raw that we're feeling. 100% necessary, imho, to keep us sane.  
     
    Good for you and DH for getting on your oncologist to take charge! If he lets you both down in this, he'll have hundreds of angry letters from us on his desk or more.
     
    I hope you and DH relish in your joint cooperatively, spend some snuggle time together to reflect on the value of being a team. A dinner out, a movie at home, who knows. But do know we all empathize, and I must add, my cyber-meltdown of joint frustration for you is o.k. too. 
     
    We all are with you on this, Annie. Thanks for your update so we can embrace you again. 
     
    ((Hugs)) 
     
    Tender 
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  • Hope_M
    Hope_M Member Posts: 261
    edited November 2008

    Dear Annie-

    Our mantra, "take a deep breath".  But sometimes that isn't enough, I know.

    If you google image search for skin mets, you will find pictures (of the worst cases, I'm sure).  They can be red and itchy.  They do not come and go.  That's all I know.

    I firmly think that you are going to be okay.  Hang in there.

    Hope M. 

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  • jeanne46
    jeanne46 Member Posts: 1,941
    edited November 2008

    Oh Annie, I hear you.  How nice of the onc to see you on the spot.  I suppose some might have told DH to take you to the ER!  Glad to hear that DH was firm and stated your position with regard to BS. And yes, it seems we always have to remind them what they promised to do.

    I had a PET/CT yesterday.  My onc promised to call me today - since he could at least get a verbal if the written report wasn't ready. Promised. Did he call today?  NO. I'm sorry to say this, but welcome (and for you it's hopefully just a short term visit) to Cancerworld.  You have to stand up for yourself, remind your docs what they're supposed to do, question, research, and follow-up.  

    There are some ladies here who love their docs and feel they are getting wonderful care.  Methinks they are in the minority.

    So, take care of yourself this weekend (better yet, let DH take care of you) and try to put Cancerworld out of your mind.  Perhaps some nouveau beaujolais? 

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  • VickiG
    VickiG Member Posts: 536
    edited November 2008

    {{{{{Annie}}}}}  oh, and here's a smooch for your dh for being a great guy ~ xoxoxox.  I do not remember what normal is anymore, but I do know that the occasional meltdown is just what we need sometimes... I think it's therapeutic to let loose w/ the emotions sometimes.  Of course you still have a fighting chance ~ and fight you will!!!

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  • LisaSDCA
    LisaSDCA Member Posts: 2,230
    edited November 2008

    Dearest Annie -

    Combined with your worries over the results of this vitally important scan, your frustrations w/ your damned BS, your fatigue, your workload - Lord only knows you were due for a very dramatic meltdown. Fortunately you got a lot accomplished through it - acknowledgment that your BS is outta his league, a promise from your onc to follow up w/ Dr. V posthaste, immediate and appropriate support from your DH and some essential attention being paid to you as an individual - not simply a patient.

    Tantrums can be cathartic.

    Hope you are feeling more like yourself again.

    Lisa

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  • snowyday
    snowyday Member Posts: 1,478
    edited November 2008

    Meltdowns, boy they can get the wheels moving can't they. Good for you Heatherblocklear, I alway feel better after one, I get them when I feel such a lack of control about everything, the cancer, the Drs that don't listen, the unkown.  I'm proud of you and really hope your results come quick and that they are nothing to serious.  Big hugs, Pearl

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  • HeatherBLocklear
    HeatherBLocklear Member Posts: 1,370
    edited November 2008

    It's amazing how much I've come to rely on you all, and how lost I feel when I don't get answers to my incessant questions. Frown

    Jeanne, thanks so much for your sweet note; you really are one in a million. Lisa, with everything you have to deal with right now, I'm amazed you even took the time to respond. Please keep us posted on how things go this week (don't wait)! Pearl -- I have missed you! So good to hear from you again. Judie, always so kind and caring. Tender -- what would we all do without you? You are the kindest person on earth. Hope, you give me hope --from your keyboard to God's ear! Judie, my ever-present and faithful friend, what would I do without all of you?

    Tomorrow will be a long day. Thank heavens I have lots of papers to grade and preps to keep me busy otherwise. My radiation is Monday morning at 8:00; since the rad oncologist ordered the scan, I assume she'll have answers when I go in. Otherwise, the other oncologist (the one who succored me yesterday) promised to phone me with the results on Monday.

    What will be, will be. I will bite the bullet like everyone else, and put one foot ahead of the other (wow, talk about hyperbole and worn-out cliches!). But I really would like a short break, a few weeks or months (hah, what an optimist!) when I can forget all the cancer crap, or at least have my heart slow to a normal rhythm and remember what it's like to watch birds in the backyard or marvel at the beauty of my young students. Do people ever get a respite?

    I've made turkey chili for dinner. DH will be happy!

    Love to all,

    Annie

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  • Maryiz
    Maryiz Member Posts: 975
    edited November 2008

    Annie, know we are all thinking of you.  Why such kind, decent human beings have to go through this.  Your husband sounds like a knight in shinning armor.  I haven't had anyone come to my rescue yet, chivalry is not dead.  I feel this is the worst part of your journey, you will get your treatment plan in place and rise out of the dung.  Love to you, Maryiz

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  • LisaSDCA
    LisaSDCA Member Posts: 2,230
    edited November 2008

    Wishing you a normal DAY, at least - with a heart slowed and full.

    Lisa

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited November 2008

    Hugs to you, Annie -- love, Ann.

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  • jeanne46
    jeanne46 Member Posts: 1,941
    edited November 2008

    Yes, a normal day: dust bunnies on the floor; laundry stacked up in basket; the perennial "what to make for dinner;" work to catch up on; gardening; grocery shopping; a good book waiting to be read in stolen moments of quietude.  Sounds rather divine.  

    Hope your heartbeats have slowed, your mind has been "om-ed" and your day full of love and sunshine. 

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited November 2008

    Annie,

    One of my girlfriends is going through the precise thing you are.  She saw the Radiation Oncologist last week, and he wanted her in to see the BS the same day, but they couldn't swing it.  Needless to say, she is holding her own right now.  I'm praying and hoping for good news for you both.

    Hugs

    Bobbie

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  • pinoideae
    pinoideae Member Posts: 1,271
    edited November 2008

    I wish you no cancer crap tomorrow.

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  • HeatherBLocklear
    HeatherBLocklear Member Posts: 1,370
    edited November 2008

    Hi all,

    This has got to be one of the hardest days of my life. I've got a bad pain in one shoulder (it's tender to the touch, too), and a strange rash on my chest. I'm hoping it's a reaction to the Xeloda, but it may be skin mets. Is it possible to have skin mets four weeks after a clean scan??? God only knows what tomorrow will bring. Then, to top it all off, my daughters are furious at me. The story is too long to go into, but it breaks my heart. I wish for some relief from grief (their father died in May and I never had a chance to say goodbye), from fear (it seems every time I turn around, there's some new progression on "my" cancer), and from being sick and unhappy.

    Oh well, moan and groan. Judie, you like Goethe? He's one of my favorites together with Heidegger.

    Annie

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited November 2008

    Annie,

    I am so sorry your girls are mad at you at a time like this.  All of us here know what you must be going through, so I hope they come around for you quickly, and I hope that rash is the Xeloda.  I've heard it can do that.

    By the way, I feel like the country bumpkin that I am when I read some of your emails.  The literary references (I think that's what they are) are so over my head.  If I could have dinner with anyone to discuss the state of the world, I'd pick you over Oprah, seriously. 

    Peace and Wellness to you,

    Bobbie

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  • TenderIsOurMight
    TenderIsOurMight Member Posts: 4,493
    edited November 2008

    Oh friend of all, Annie, if only we could lift the weight from your and other's shouldes, it would be done in a heartbeat. 
     
    I am so very sorry you are in physical pain on top of the anxiety of waiting. Maybe it's a simple as working to hard, and holding your neck/shoulder a certain way during grading all those papers. Do you have some good pain medicine? Seems like it's a night for some analgesic, and maybe an ativan to allow deeper sleep. There is a time and place for such drugs.
     
    Thinking of you especially tonight Annie.
    Tender 
     
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  • lisamed123
    lisamed123 Member Posts: 186
    edited November 2008

    Annie,

    I have been following your posts, just not posting myself. 

    As I have said before, our timing is very similar and I frequently think about your and your current situation.  I am so sorry you have to go thru all of this.

    Lisa

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