ROLL CALL - WHO'S A SINGLE SURVIVOR?

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  • jdash
    jdash Member Posts: 754
    edited November 2008

    we probably all have some anger issues dont you think?  i surpress mine ! maybe thats not good for bc-  my ex is remarried to a multi $$$ he got a gorgeous house back after he lost ours - ohhhh actually 2 houses and quite a few cars including his bentley   what is it that they say -  he will get his  hahaha well i am waiting.........

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    At the age of 50???? Nancy, you are just a kid! 50 is party time!!! Whoop it up for a change. You've earned it.

    Judie

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    You know, jdash, I think that's the hardest of all. If the crappy, miserable ex ends up happy, rich, successful, whatever and we are miserable, poor failures. That's good reason to have a few anger issues. GRRRRR...

    Truth is, he is probably paying in some way for his lifestyle, especially if it comes primarily from her. There's so much more to life than a Bentley.

    Judie

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    It's so exciting to be hearing from so many amazing women here! Sometimes I think that bc has picked us all because we are so special....brave, incisive thinkers and ballsy too! Oh and did I mention creative? Yeah.

    Judie...It sounds to me like you might be on to something with your interests in social issues, art, creating family and/or making new solid relationships, and maybe even your attraction to religion. What I'm getting at is a suggestion that you either find a cause-directed group to join or start one of your own. It could be anything from a social ministry that provides assistance to the homeless in Seattle to an already-established "meetup" group that pursues a special interest of yours. Why don't you check out http://www.meetup.com/ ? You just type in your zip code and select any number of interests that you have and you'll be surprised to see the many groups that exist right in your own backyard! You also have the opportunity to start one up. Hey, it can't hurt... Also, as to the couch/drafting table question, I say go for the table. Set it up near a sunny window, if possible, and maybe its presence will inspire you! Then, buy or make about 5-7 giant pillows and set them up where the couch used to be and set up a low coffee table in front of them (maybe you can find one at Goodwill?).

    On the topic of lousy husbands or former partners, I can't say that I have had any truly negative experiences there, at least not anything as painful as the ones you all have had. I'm so sorry that the men you've had the misfortune to give yourselves to have been such creeps. It does seem to be more the norm than not, unfortunately. But I really want to encourage you to have hope and not necessarily for finding the ideal partner. As many of you seem to be discovering, it's not all about the man (or the woman, if that's your preference) but, rather, about realizing your own truth....what makes you happy and fulfilled and directed and then pursuing it. So here's to all of us and our AWESOME SELVES!!!

    ~Marin

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  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited November 2008

    Very true, Marin, that it's really about our own truth.  There's that phrase "follow your bliss" which comes to mind.  That's why art has gotten so much of my energy these last few years.  It's also about keeping our lives in balance, too, and what works one month or year or day will change over time.

    Just a quick hello to all!  Have to catch up more fully another time.  Back to watching election results for now!!

    Kathi

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    Just checking in to see how everyone is doing this week. 

     Since I take riding lessons, and I'm all about horses these days, I'm thinking of checking out a horsie singles site!  And, if I can't lasso a cowboy, maybe I can rustle up a horse of my own!!

    Anyone else a horse gal?  I got thrown for the first time this week!  That's another story, but my instructor told me I'm on my way to being a great rider now!!  The only other thing I need is to be stepped on and bitten, according to her.Yell  Maybe I'll stick to cats!!

    Happy Sunday!

    Susan

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  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited November 2008

    Oh, I'm jealous, Susan.  I love horses, love riding, haven't done much in a few years.  Was starting to learn to jump the last time I was taking English riding lessons.  That was fun!  Have never been thrown though.  I've gotten mildly stepped on, nothing but a bruise from it, thank goodness.  I was a massage therapist before I was a PT, so I usually try to give my horse a nice rub in the shoulders or neck or something before I mount.  OMG, they all LOVE that.  I've ridden some fussy horses, but after I massage them, they're my pals for life!!   I don't know if that would prevent biting, but it couldn't hurt! 

    'Course we all know that most cats would let you massage them for the rest of their natural lives.  They can still step on you & bite you though, but at least they can't throw you.

    Kathi

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    Kathi - I would love to learn to massage my horsie guy. Right now  little fur person is helping type.  Another thing a cat can't do, obviously.
                                  gtttttttttttt14444444444444444444444444444444444444444444 R

    I ride western because I nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn am in love with Clinton Anderson.  Ok, I give up - too much cat love goin' on around here!!

    Susan

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  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited November 2008

    Susan, don't you love the way cats just have to get in your lap & in your way when you are reading or using the computer?   It's like "Hey!  I'm waaaaaayy more adorable & interesting than anything else you thought you were doing, mom!"  Kathi

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    Oh, yeah, and the purring, and rubbing, and straight up tails in your face!  They just know it's their job to interrupt whatever's going on.  Not to mention all of the cat hair on the keyboard!!

    Susan

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    Speaking of massaging cats, my boyfriend massages his cat's eyes (!)...and she just adores it! Now he's started to do it to one of my cats (the kitten isn't interested in anything but tearing all around, doing flips and somersaults) and my cat loves it too! I always rub her neck and shoulders and it seems to relax her and make her happy.

    I also love horses and rode when I was a kid. If it weren't so expensive, I'd definitely take it up again since we have quite a few stables in my area. One thing I adore about horses is how expressive and emotive they are. They don't seem to realize how huge they are either!

     ~Marin

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    I'm a late bloomer - I never cared for horses growing up.  My daughter grew up wanting to be a horse!! 

    When she finally got out on her own, she had horses, and I told her when she and her hubby moved back north, I'd ride with her (never realizing what that meant at the time).

      Well, I've been taking lessons for 3 years and I LOVE horses!!  I love their smell, their eyes, their attitudes, I LOVE horses!!  However, I had no idea that one didn't just hop on and go. 

     And, as much as I like riding, I'm OK with just going to the ranch and doing ground work and schmoozing with him, too.

    Susan

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  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited November 2008

    As a PT, I learned a little bit about hippotherapy, which is where you put someone with a neuromuscular disorder on a specially trained horse & the riding helps their central nervous system develop coordination & trunk strength.  It's unbelievably cool & if it were more universally covered by insurance so that I could actually get a real job doing it, I'd be doing it.  As it stands, it's slowly getting covered for pediatric patients, like kids with cerebral palsy.  The horses totally get it, too, and are soooo patient & wonderful with these challenged people on their backs!!   That would be an ideal job as far as I'm concerned -- PT, horses, being outside, the whole thing!   Throught about doing veterinary PT, but I'd have to go back to school & I don't wanna do more school!!!  

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  • swimangel72
    swimangel72 Member Posts: 1,989
    edited November 2008

    Sorry to butt in here (I'm married) but this is such an interesting conversation! Kathi - I take it from your quote "follow your bliss" that you've read Joseph Campbell's books - have you also read "Eat, Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert? She's an excellent writer - divorced and single, she writes about her search for self in Italy, India and Bali.

    I was also a fanatic about horses my entire life. Didn't help that I grew up in NYC and we couldn't afford anything more than a quick pony ride now and then. But I learned English saddle in college (and got gym credit for it!). Then I continued taking English saddle lessons for years throughout my 20's - jumped a lot of fences, fell at least once a month and always got right back on. (It broke my heart when Chris Reeve was thrown and became paralyzed.........I had already stopped riding at that point - too busy as a young mom.)  I always loved to ride outdoors through the woods - we'd often stop at a local ice-cream stand and get a cone. It was cheap back then in northern NY State. After moving back to Manhattan, I rode in Central Park quite often - the horses were kept in a stable that was actually an old brownstone. It just closed last year. I have great memories of horses coming down from the 4th floor of this brownstone - down long and winding ramps - then we'd saddle up and head over to the Park riding between the cars - fantastic images of an ancient method of transportation superimposed on the noisy and polluting present!  I've still got a scar on my left hand still where one stubborn mare bit me when I was tightening her girth. She never tried that again - my trainer showed me a quick move with my knee that took care of THAT problem! Of course massage therapy sounds much more pleasant - too bad we didn't know about that way back then! Lol! I haven't ridden in years - and with my arthritic hips doubt I'll ever get back into a saddle. Still I dream of someday riding into the sunset on a tropical beach! Cool

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    swimangel - you'd be surprised about arthritic hips and riding!  My arthritic back, neck, and, hip don't seem to mind it.  Not nearly so much as running!! 

    And, my inner thighs are thrilled to be doing something useful! That's funny about the biting mare, my gelding is cinch-sour and often swings his head around to let me know.  Worse luck, he runs right into my stiff-arm hand!  Oh, oops.  He's a trail horse that I lease and needless to say, he suffers frequently from the ranch hands slamming a saddle on him and yanking that cinch around him with little care.

    When I first started riding him, everybody warned me how nasty he was.  Well, his feet were awful, his saddle didn't fit him or me, and was so worn out, it was an accident waiting to happen, and no one took the time to do any ground work with him.

    He's changed so much!  I kept after the owner to have his feet professionally trimmed (I even paid for it!), I bought a very nice western saddle that fits us both, and I spend as much time doing ground work as I do riding.  He is my love and such a good boy.

    If I could only afford to buy him.  When I didn't ride during tx, everyone told me how bad he had become again.  He just needed someone to love him.

    Good glory!  Look at me go on!  Sorry.

    Susan

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    You are all making me cry. My love of horses has to remain in my heart only. But the conversation is at least bringing me into wonderful images. Thanks!

    Just a quick checkin. I returned Sunday from a indescribably wonderful weekend at the Harmony Hill retreat and am still trying to debrief. So good to know there are so many truly good people in this world.

    Judie

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  • LorenaB
    LorenaB Member Posts: 937
    edited November 2008

    Good morning! I just want to say hello to all you wonderful, interesting single gals. 

    I got back yesterday from my cousin's wedding in NYC -- a beautiful, over-the-top fancy wedding with the reception in the New York Public Library.  I'm six months post-chemo and with my short head of tight curls and 15 lbs of extra weight, I can't help but feel a little bit self-conscious about my appearance.  Of course all my relatives said I look great -- I think they are just relieved and happy that I look and feel healthy -- which of course is the most important thing.  But still, it'll be nice to feel like I look like me again someday, when  my hair gets a bit longer and I lose some of this weight.  One of my mom's cousins has been struggling with bc this year as well, and I was disappointed that she did not attend.  She had a mast with expanders a few months ago and apparently is in a lot of pain. She doesn't have a computer (!) so I can't send her to bc.org for support -- so I'll give her a call and see how she is doing.

    I had my first six month follow-up visit with the medical oncologist on Thursday.  Everything is fine, but the statistics about a 12-15% risk for recurrence were rather sobering.  I guess we all just have to go on with our lives, focus on being healthy, and not think about the scary possibilities....

    On the man front, I had some "alone time" with my kinda sorta boyfriend last night for the first time in over a month.  I've decided that even if it's a relationship that isn't going anywhere, I'm not ready to date anyone else at this point. So friendship and occasional intimacy with a man I care about is not a bad thing. 

    I am off to Minneapolis for work this afternoon... have a nice week everyone!

    Lauren

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    Lauren - nothing wrong with a sorta kinda beau!  Most of us are so busy, it's hard to fit in the hanging around, in your face all the time kind.

    Yeah, those stats are a bummer, especially after all we've been through to save our lives.  And, it's hard to see the other side  - 85%!

    Enjoy your week and stay warm!  We were cold and windy today!  Frown

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  • my3girls
    my3girls Member Posts: 3,766
    edited November 2008

    Too late to join??

    I am 48 soon to be 49 in January. I have 3 beautiful daughters. My oldest is 24 in Chicago, next is 21 in Toledo (still in college) and my youngest is a senior in h.s. 17. I was married to their dad for 21 yrs. Married again in the fall of 2006, got bc in Feb. 07, he left in April...good riddence!!  I work for the airlines.  I really enjoy my job!  I joined match.com in June 08, and started seeing a wonderful man in July..we are going strong..and he is incredible!!  Good to be loved and sexually active again!! woohoooo!!!!

    This will be fun getting to know everyone here!

    Lisa

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  • enjoylife
    enjoylife Member Posts: 578
    edited November 2008

    I am single have been for 4.5 years and I want it that way right now all I have is black fuzz 12 weeks out of chemo and 1 week out of rad. my body is swallon ugly and black fuzz I wont date at all I had no idea chemo would do this to my body and my arm is sore didnt have a good person in town to fit my sleeve first one was too large and this one too small so I am a swallon overwieght single bald 57 year old who takes herciptin every 3 weeks.... I usually never get in a pitty mood but I dont know when I will get back to me its not like I am eating the house out but I want my body back...... and hair its freezing out there with a wig on its not like our hair..

    Maura

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    Hi ladies

    Just checking in from the "not single survivor" side of things Laughing

    My guy and I are still blissfully happy 6 months into things...he moved into my home full time the end of September so we have each other full time now....

    He is one of the most gentle men I have every known in my life.....my happiness and well being seem to be the most important thing to him in this world....of course I feel the same about him, but he actually glows with it...all my friends and family that have met him say the same thing.......word for word: "That man loves you with everything inside of him"....

    After being single so long its kind of hard to accept so much giving from him but Im learning and Im even learning to enjoy it.

    All the stories of babies earlier in this thread was absolutely tear jerking...I love kids...I have two with six grandbabies between them...and David has two wonderful little grandsons that I look forward to spoiling....

    But anyway.....what I wanted to tell you ladies is: Marin, Lisa and myself have all discovered that there are guys out there for us even after BC so you all can too.

    Hugs

    Jule

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    Jule - it's good to know that there are still some decent men out there.  I'm pretty sure that they're not in my neck of the woods, however.  

    Could you send some over this way?Wink

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  • Jaybird627
    Jaybird627 Member Posts: 2,144
    edited November 2008
    Well, until/unless I can find a "decent" man of my own age I'll continue to date the nice/fit/decent men of a younger age! Innocent
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  • my3girls
    my3girls Member Posts: 3,766
    edited November 2008

    haha...Jaybird...you go girl!!

    Jule....I know just what you mean about the comment.."he glows with it".  I think the same thing about my guy.  He just flew in from a business trip in NYC.  I work at the airport..so I got to see him. All he did was compliment how wonderful I looked, and how he was the luckiest man on the planet to have me.  I too have never been with such a kind and loving soul.  I am getting used to it though, even though it has been SO DIFFERENT for me.

    Yes ladies, Jule is right...there are good guys out there.  I for one, didn't think any guy would ever look twice at me, especially after my reconstruction (Tram flap) and all of my scars.  But, even before this man knew I had reconstruction, and he hadn't met me in person yet..he told me that my bc, and mastectomy, didn't make him not want to meet me..but the opposite. The fact that I was so honest and open about all of it, made him want to meet me even more.  Also that he admired what a strong women I must be.  I was speechless!!

    I met him on match.com last July...and things have been heavenly since!!

    It can happen ladies....the right one will come along.

    Have a great day...back to work for me.

    Lisa

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008
    Jaybird!!  You are a rascal!!  My thoughts exactly...most of the men I've been with were younger, and one in particular, a chef I worked with for years, was the most fun and he was almost 15 years younger!  We knew it wasn't going to be marriage and happily ever after, but it felt so wicked hiding our relationship from the rest of the staff.  Innocent
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    I'm making this quick since I'm at work and my laptop at home has been giving me trouble (can't seem to secure my wireless...ugh!). So I have two things to say:

    Yes, there are some truly kind, gentle, generous, loving men out there even though my experience had told me exactly the opposite and I had begun to just think that males were...well, broken! It was as if something very critical was always missing (like the human factor?). However, for some reason, my disgustingly optimistic self refused to accept that ALL men were dawgs or just a$$holes. So I plugged away, posting on dating sites, sending "smiles" or whatever to guys who looked decent (um, I actually mean they looked hot Tongue out), talking to them, meeting them, etc. Nearly every one was pretty disagreeable or psychotic. I even stuck with two of them for a short time because I sensed potential but, alas, they proved themselves to be without consciences and scruples. Sigh. BUT, still, I never gave up. Maybe I took a few weeks breather here & there, but not for too long because, truthfully, I wanted a man, a GOOD MAN, and I just couldn't believe that there was absolutely NO ONE for me out there! (I'm reminded of Charlotte, in Sex and the City, when she said, "I've been dating since I was sixteen and I'm exhausted! Where IS he?!"). OKay, so you know the happy ending, right? I met someone..an incredibly wonderful, sweet, sexy man, and we've been together for 7 months now. I could gush on & on, but suffice it to say that we have a magical connection and the most amazing as well as exciting physical relationship that I've EVER had!

    Which leads me to my second comment:

    I've never dated anyone over 42 years old until this past year (well, maybe a 48-yr old for 2 months several years ago) and I've always preferred young men because they have terrific, hard bodies and are (I thought) more sexual. Uh-uh...not if my current experience is representative! This man's body is to die for, but more important, he has the stamina and drive of a 30-year old with the sensuality, openness and adventurous spirit of the sexiest man I can imagine! I wouldn't trade a minute with him for 24 hours in bed with Matthew McConaughey....or whoever. Seriously. Cool

    ~Marin

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  • Jaybird627
    Jaybird627 Member Posts: 2,144
    edited November 2008

    Good for you, Marin, good for you! I'm truly happy for you! Smile

    I, myself am still into younger men and expect to stay that way for a while. I don't need "stamina" as I wear out quickly (the va-jay-jay just ain't what it used to be!) and the younger guys last long enough, plus they aren't out to prove anything.

    I hope we all obtain what we seek! I'm not looking for HIM I'm looking for HIM FOR NOW! Surprised

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  • LiveLoveBelieve
    LiveLoveBelieve Member Posts: 25
    edited November 2008

    Too late to join?? You all are fantastic.

     I am 47;  divorced for 8 years.  Two wonderful, wonderful kids.  Struggle daily (but swore from day 1, after the divorce, that I would never be a "victim" - I was so happy to get out of the marriage.

     Struggles - both my kids have disabilities, both in mental health.  My sweet daughter is 13 w/ bipolar and my wonderful son is 12 w/ a number of behavioral issues (he was in sp. ed. when he was one yo).  So it has been very difficult to take care of the kids on my own.  I live in an urban area, and have a stressful, full-time job (but I am lucky to have a job) - and my kids are really latch-key kids.  But both kids have been hospitalized multiple times - and it is difficult.

     Some day, I hope, I will be able to start dating.  At this point, it is impossible.  I would love some adult company (I love my neighbor but she is busy and my best friend lives in another city).  I do wonder if my son will ever live independently.

    Having BC has its own challenges as I have had to "take care of myself" to show the kids about being strong.  I have been very honest with them - always have been.

     I feel like I am rambling - it kinda helps to read other posts, especially folks who are "older" cuz it sounds like you are having a good ol time.

    Take care,

    LiveLoveBelive

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  • irishdreama
    irishdreama Member Posts: 938
    edited November 2008

    Hi LiveLoveBelieve

    I'm with you-I don't know if I have the desire to put a lot of effort into a relationship right now, but it's really nice to live vicariously through those that do! Marin, if we could all find guys like yours, it would be incredible! Until them, I'd rather be single than with another abusive a$%hole!

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  • Karen66
    Karen66 Member Posts: 31
    edited November 2008

    Hey ladies!  I'm a 42 yr old 5 year survivor.  I've been divorced for 2 years but the marriage was over long before I was even diagnosed with cancer.  I'm trying to find peace in being single, but it is difficult.  I've tried to ask out several men before, all said no.  I know I don't look like Barbie anymore, but there has to be someone out there....right?

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