what to expect from brothers and sisters?

elisabeth · November 2008

Hi. I feel funny starting this because I am feeling betrayed by my brother and sister. I know it is partly me and partly them, but I can't figure out how to deal with these feelings. My brother and sister, when I was first diagnosed and going through rads told me how proud they were of me because I was so positive. But, now that I am having so much trouble with the next phase of my treatment -- Arimidex they have not really responded or helped. I told them how much research I was doing to try and figure out this "damned if I do and damned if I don't" with the AI's and/or alternatives. Also, I expressed how hard it is to deal with all of the side effects and potential side effects. The last time I spoke to either of them it was as if my cancer didn't matter to them. I don't expect them to do much I just wish they would offer a little something - a little help or sympathy or something. They don't live in the same city that I do, but ... I don't want to feel this way about them. What thoughts or experiences do you have?

Thanks so much. e

Daffodil · November 2008

They probably feel that you are going to be OK, and are just whining about side effects. My own, much younger, only sibling, was offhand, perhaps because our mother had BC most of my sister's childhood.

I have found that you talk about this HERE or with people who will give you a sympathetic ear. This is one of the drawbacks of being Little Miss Positive! Hang in there, dear........

elisabeth · November 2008

Hi Daffodil. Thanks so much for posting. I figured I probably wouldn't get too many hit within this category but, just hoping. I think you right on the mark, especially in regard to my brother. The last time I talked to him he got really impatient and I don't think he will call me back. I am reading a great book put out by some anthroposophic MD's who treat the body, spirit, and the soul. They do different types of therapy in conjunction with traditional therapies (for cancer) and they talk about after chemo, rads, surgery is when the toughest part of treatment begins. I wish my oncs had talked to me about this. One of the things that this author/physician talks about is being "embedded in a circle of support." I have done all kinds of things and participated in all the programs that are offered in my area and Bill (my life partner is supportive), but I don't feel like I even have 1/2 of a circle. I have a lot of friends, but don't have the kind of support that this physician is talking about. Oh well -- I'm going to keep trying.

Thanks again and sending you flowers. e

Daffodil · November 2008

Elisabeth, I think this sort of "abandonment" is common and normal. First, a mild anti-anxiety drug such as trazodone, is very helpful to help you feel "even", if you are interested in trying that (if you haven't already). Second, it helps to concentrate on something besides your illness and hurt feelings, i.e. in addition to self-help, try helping others, e.g. volunteer with American Cancer society, train for Avon Walk, look for a local cancer (or other!) fund-raising event that could use your service. And it's especially nice if the SO joins in, too!

Good luck and get going!

Marple · November 2008

Elisabeth, while you were in the "positive" mode it was likely easier for your family to cope. Now that you are supposedly "all better" they may feel it's time you "got on" with your life. That is one reason I still come to the chat here on BCO although I'm almost 2 years past tx. (Other than taking arimidex.) Unless you've been in our shoes one cannot be expected to understand how we feel. While going through tx I heard one family member comment on the fact that I was so self absorbed. Well DAH!!! Cancer doesn't just end because tx has ended. Perhaps you've caused you family members to face their own mortality. It's not an easy pill to swallow as we all know first hand. Hugs E. They say if you can count your true friends and fill one hand you are blessed. But ya, a little empathy from the fam is sure nice too. Hugs.

elisabeth · November 2008

Hi Sharon. Thanks so much. And, thanks so much for the hugs - I need them. I am also sending them back to you. I spoke with my sister last night on the phone and she can hardly even talk to me about what is going on. I think you are right about facing their own mortality. It is still hard to stomach their attitude. That circle of friends or "hand width" of friends is important. Thanks for the empathy. I hope you are doing well.

warmth and happiness to you . e

elisabeth · November 2008

daffidol. Thanks for the practical suggestions. However, I want to make it clear that I am doing all kinds of things as you suggest. I work with the cancer institute where I got my treatment, do tons of activities, participate in all of the stuff our Victory Center offers, work, dance, do tai chi etc., etc. So - I am going. I just happen to be hitting a road bump right now and I also don't want to repress my feelings so that they come out in negative ways. I am starting a painting class on Thursday and hope to unload some of this hurt in the paints.

Thanks again. e

Daffodil · November 2008

Just a Bad Week at Black Rock? It happens to all of us, and we will listen.

Hmmmm....sounds like a Spa Day (or visit) is needed!!! Some YOU time ! Wink

{{{Hugs}}} and Good luck, Elisabeth~~~~~

elisabeth · November 2008

Thanks Daffodil. And, thanks for listening!!! I hope this is just a bad week at black rock - we'll see. How do you remain so strong?

E

what to expect from brothers and sisters?

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