ROLL CALL - WHO'S A SINGLE SURVIVOR?

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited October 2008

    Towhee - I love it!!

    Susan

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    Whahappen???

    A flurry of posts from interesting women, then nada. Is that all there is to be said by single women? Or have you all found someone and are no longer single?Laughing

    Of course, it could be that nothing has happened worth sharing. That's my situation. Let's see...I'm trying to get back to the sewing machine to do a grandma outfit for the youngest, but keep getting distracted trying to organize some stuff, play with photo editing on the computer, read...you get the drift. I want some fun in my life! 

    Tonight I plan to attend  All Souls solemn Mass with Mozart's Requiem at the Catholic cathedral across the street. I'm not Catholic and haven't been in a Catholic church since I went with a friend as a child, but I love the requiem.

    Be well,

    Judie

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    Judie - I can't speak for the rest, but, happily, I'm still single!  And,  officially 62, because today is my birthday!!  Woohoo!  Had a lovely catered luncheon with two of my close-by kids and their spouses, my mom, and my 91 yr. old aunt, who has more energy than most 50 yr.olds!!  She and I have so much fun together - everything seems to make us laugh.  So, it was very special, especially, because it is my first birthday since my diagnosis last May.  I am very grateful to be here and be as healthy as I am. 

    My evening consists of report cards, lesson plans, and ironing!  Be still, my beating heart!  Such excitement!  I might go really crazy and clean the cat boxes!

    But, honestly, I'm fine with curling up in my cozy 'jamas and watching some telly.  I must have used up all my excitement in my youth!

    Hope you enjoy the requiem.

    Susan

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  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited November 2008

    Happy Birthday, Susan!!

    Towhee, I'm still single, too, so don't worry!  Just had to go to work for a few days to pay for my DSL so I can keep visiting the forum!!  That's very cool that the church across the street does the Mozart's Requiem for All Souls' Day!  I'm a recovering Catholic myself.  But still love all the music!

    Kathi

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  • footprintsangel
    footprintsangel Member Posts: 43,890
    edited November 2008

     Hi  I am single, and fighting!  Each day is a gift and I love it! Take care,Debbie

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  • LorenaB
    LorenaB Member Posts: 937
    edited November 2008

    Wow, this has turned into a fascinating conversation.  Susan, I'm so happy that you and your bio daughter have found each other.  I am considering the possibility of adopting a child someday (I always wanted to have more than one but bc has taken the option away from me, biologically at least) and I can only imagine how grateful I would feel towards the bio mother if I were to do this.

    CMG, I am practically up the street from you in Acton!  Where did you get your treatment?

    Lauren

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    I'm now a day late in your neck of the woods, but it's still your birthday here, Susan, so...

    We went 1 1/2 hours early for the Requiem to be sure to have a seat, and the evening mass had just started. So I'm thoroughly churched...two masses back to back! I actually loved it for some reason. Maybe there's a Catholic hiding in this agnostic/atheistic girl. Scary.

    The Requiem was beyond awesome. I love the music, but having it performed as intended...the mass for remembering those who have died...in a gorgeous cathedral was breathtaking. 

    Monday is the feast day for St. Martin de Porres, the patron saint of justice and the poor. The Cathedral is doing a mass that day for the departed homeless, for many of them the only rememberance there will ever be. I'm touched. I plan to attend. Having a cathedral across the street might be dangerous!

    Hi Lauren. I hope you get to experience motherhood again in a different way. There are challenges, but for me it was worth it.

    Off to beddie-bye with Mozart still singing in my ears.

    Judie

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  • jdash
    jdash Member Posts: 754
    edited November 2008

    well here is my story if you can follow it  i am a 2x BC survivor and I have been widowed and divorced and now single again and happily dating a great guy

    my husband was dx with a rare cancer 5 months after we were married - he fought a brave 5 yr battle passing away at 30 He was such an increbible man !  He did have a few good years in between and we had a daughter by artificial insemination (supposed to be by his sperm we stored before he underwent his first of 3 bone marrow transplants) thats another whole story !-  she is now 22 and the joy of my life- as marin said I could not love her anymore i thank god for her everyday

    i had been had many offers to write a book or movie  but wasnt interested at the time- everything was way too personal and raw - now that she is grownup and graduating college with a journalism degree I would love to co write a book with her  (if anyone has any great contacts? )

    i then remarried what i thought was a great guy - pyschologist  we went on to have my 2nd daughter who is now turning 14 and the 2nd great love of my life  ( my 2 daughters are incredible people, compasionate and good and i am so proud of who they have become even though their lifes have had so many challenges )  i was dx with stage 1 when my youngest daughter was 2 - just had rads and lumpectomy-  i then found out my husband was not all the man i had fallen so deeply in love with (investing all my money and his in a business adventure all the while cheating which i had no idea of ) so lost our beautiful home- and basically all of our savings and i divorced him - picked myself up and started all over again - dated some great guys and some not so great and then 10 yrs after my first dx out of the blue dx stage 3 (telling my daughters was the hardest day of my life especially the older one who had already lost her dad to cancer)  - i had dose dense chemo then dbl mast and reconstruction   my daughters were my rocks and gave me such incredible support thru all of that  and so I really do consider myself a survivor in many ways and proud of overcoming all the obstacles along the way - i had to go back to work full time to support my family and i worked thru my treatments- they did a piece  i was featured on on Good Morning America about women working thru their tx  I love this site and always get involved in bc fundraisers  to me its wonderful to be able to help women just starting out of this journey

    I met a great guy right when i finished my tx and its been a yr and a half we are dating  - being single and dating is complicated enough but add bc into the mix and it is quite a challenge  its great to have this forum here and  share all our experiences hoping it helps other sisters here  - there is life after bc, as marin said and you just have to want it and keep looking for it - there are some compassionate wonderful men out there after you weed thru all the ones that arent worth your time  if i can be of any help to anyone thinking of beginning to date again please feel free to ask away and i will be happy to share my experiences    dating and sex after bc surgery complicated it even more  but it is possible to find all the happiness we deserve  its all about putting yourself out there and going after it !

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  • cmb35
    cmb35 Member Posts: 1,106
    edited November 2008

    Another date with really nice guy last night, was really fun once again. Scratching my head trying to figure out what it was about this really nice guy that I found problematic.... And can't help but feel like, "yeah, he's acting nice now, but what's wrong with him?"

    The joys of dating!

    Will be back to respond to posts, off to my son's football game, a nice crisp fall day, perfect for watching football!

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    jdash - OMG, what an incredible story!  What a great book it would make...Oprah, watch out!  It's funny how something so beautiful (your daughter) can come from something so ugly (your nasty husband), isn't it?

    Give those girlies some extra hugs for fighting the good fight, and enjoy your new relationship.    It does give me hope; however, I may have to start checking out the nursing homes for a date if I don't get started soon!!

    And cmb35- Cool beans!!  Two great dates?? Congratulations!

    Enjoy that football game.  I do miss watching my son play sports on days like today.  On nasty, rainy days, not so much!

    Susan

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  • jdash
    jdash Member Posts: 754
    edited November 2008

    susan  did you ever try online dating?  its a good way to get your feet wet and just chat with eligible men- i met some great people that way   i just did a quick coffee get together but not before several email conversations and then phone - you can usually tell the ones by then that you would definetly NOT be interested in  - 

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    Judie,

    Thank you for the neat happy birthday greeting.  You clever, old rascal!  I keep trying to add my picture to my posts and have given up.  Probably just as well...I wouldn't want to blind anyone!!

    Happy to hear your evening was a joy.  Nothing like a beautiful cathedral and Mozart!

    Susan

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    Susan, you simply must add your photo.

    Crop your picture to what you want, Your image should be small, like 300 x 300 pixels for a square or about 125 x 600 for rectangular. I think it is best if it is in the .jpg format. Then go to your "My Home" page. Go to "My Profile". Click "Edit Profile" and find the "Upload Avatar" . Click the drop-down menu on the upload, browse to where the picture is on your computer.

    Clear as mud?

    Looking forward to seeing you!

    Judie

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    Judie - it is!  But, I'll keep trying.Cry

    Susan

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  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited November 2008

    Just a quick hello & wow to jdash's story & this is turning into a great bunch of women, isn't it?

    I just got home from work (PT for the Visiting Nurses -- yes, we work 7 days/week all year, not all of us individually, mind you, just the agency as a whole.  Even the mail carriers don't work on Sundays!!) & had a fun day meeting another great bunch of women, each about 80 years old, one of them over 100!!!  You would never know she was over 100; you'd never know she was over 80!!  I'll tell you, there's something quite wonderful about being 54 & having a lovely, sharp woman who's old enough to be your mom or even your grandmother tell you "oh, you're just a kid!"  Gotta love that!

    Kathi

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  • Nancy101
    Nancy101 Member Posts: 59
    edited November 2008

    Hi everyone.  I don't post that frequently, but I always read the boards everyday.

    I just turned 50 in October, and am a single mom to two sons, ages 18 and 20, both in college.  I divorced in 1992, after 6 years of marriage.  While I dated a few times over the years, there was never anything serious.  So, I kind of gave up on dating and decided to put my two sons first to give them the best upbringing I could.  Just when my oldest son was in his senior year of high school, and my youngest son was learning to drive, I was diagnosed with bc.  That was in Feb 2006.  Even though they both were teenagers, my sons were my rock in helping me get through lumpectomy, chemo, and rads.  They were wonderful in helping me while in treatment, and I think they both seemed to mature a little from this whole bc experience. 

    I exercise daily, take yoga,  and try to eat healthy most of the time.  I have been on tamoxifen for over 2 years, but my onc is now testing me to see if I'm through menopause so that he can switch me to arimidex.  I see him in December, so I will see what he says at that time.

    Now that I'm an empty nester, I do think about dating again, but then I think that with this whole bc experience, I don't know if I'm ready to be intimate and I don't know how a man will react to bc.  I'm sort of a quiet, shy person, and I'm not one for online dating, but at this age, I'm not sure where to meet men.  I work full time and when I come home from work, I just want to go exercise and then relax for the evening.  It's been a while since I've been out on a date, so I'm not sure how to get started again. 

    I will keep reading here and maybe I'll learn a few things from the rest of you wonderful ladies!

    Hugs...

    NancyW

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  • jdash
    jdash Member Posts: 754
    edited November 2008

    haha kathi  i love it !  i am going to be 52 in march and i love when people call me young!   i have alot of respect for nurses -  i have spent alot of time in hospitals   -  quite alot with my late husband who was treated in almost every hospital in ny - then duke in n.c  and cedar sinai in calif and then on to germany   as far as i am concerned the nurses care is more important than the doctors care and i have a great admiration for the nursing profession

    when i was treated at memorial sloan kettering in ny  i met some incredible nurses  male and female  they made my experience so more more tolerable

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    OMG y'all, I've only been away a few days (and an amazingly HOT few days it was - see my post under "MOJO' in "Moving Beyond"!) and I've missed a ton! WELCOME, Judie and Nancy! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Susan! I'm so excited to see you again, Julia! And cmb....yes, welcome back to the world of that alien species we call "men"....they are truly perplexing but really CAN BE wonderful as well! Oh and Kathi....cool story about the nursing home ladies. I was a medical social worker for quite a few years and always loved working with and listening to the older people best!

    I want to add my thought on online dating. Even though it seems like a crazy, highly-contrived way to meet someone to love, it's pretty much the only trick in town these days (other than hoping for serendipidy or kismet). And believe me, once you get into it and become confident at navigating it, it can be incredible fun! I met alotta a$$holes, but I also met some decent guys and, best of all, that's how I met P., on chemistry.com. And HE is truly the most amazing and hottest man I have ever met!

    Oh yeah, Judie....about the Catholic Church and those services....I say go with your gut on that. I'm Catholic (I call myself a Neo-Catholic because it's kind of my own brand of Catholicism) and it's a beautiful, most inspiring religion. And no one can beat our liturgies!

    ~Marin

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    Oh ooops...I forgot to say "hi" to Lauren...How have ya been, girrrl?!

    ~Marin

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  • LorenaB
    LorenaB Member Posts: 937
    edited November 2008

    Hey Marin, thanks for the shout-out.  I'm doing really well, feeling healthy, enjoying my son and my work and my HAIR!  I've got to post a photo one of these days.  I do wish I were getting more of the intimate stuff, my sort-of dbf is seriously overworked and overtired and isn't paying much attention to me these days :-( but that relationship is what it is and I'm not letting it get me down too much.  It would be easier if I didn't still care about him, but I do.... but really, life is good.  I appreciate things so much more now, basic stuff like having physical and mental energy to work and exercise and give my son a piggy-back ride!

    I love your tag line BTW.  Is that from one of her books?

    Lauren

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    It's good to see some action here again! What a group of really interesting women. Nancy, becoming an empty nester while single is doubly tough. You have my empathy. I miss my guy so much...driving him to school, going to plays and activities, helping with homework, cooking meals. At the time you don't realize just how much of your life is consumed with parenting. It's a relief in some ways, but it does leave a huge hole in your life.

    For a little comic relief, I like to tell people that my "girls" lefrt home and now I'm and "empty-chester." Groan. I know. It's my favorite kind of humor. Very sick person is me.Undecided

    Marin, I was Mormon for my first 30 years so becoming Catholic would be tho opposite end of the spectrum, wouldn't it? Laughing

    Have a happy Monday all,

    Judie

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    Judie - I love it..."empty chester"!!  Almost makes me want to get rid of my lop-sided, brown-nosed puppies!  One nose points toward the ceiling now, and the other, still points toward the floor. 

    As far as empty nests...when my oldest left for college, I sat on her bed and cried my eyes out for days.  I couldn't say good bye to her without breaking down in sobs, especially when she became a Naval officer and was stationed far, far away.  Twenty years later, she  finally lives only 80 miles away, and I can see her and talk to to her anytime, so "goodbyes" are now just "so longs".  The same with my younger son, who now lives in the area.

    My youngest and her husband, and baby, live near Annapolis...I still get weepy when they leave, as she was and is my baby. 

    A quick update on my older son, who just started a detox program for opium addiction - he is still with it, as hard as it is as an out patient, and when he called on my birthday, he sounded like I remember him, year ago!!   My cancer hit him hard, so I guess I have one thing to thank this d*mned cancer for!

    OK, back to report cards, and have a great Monday, everyone!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    I actually don't know an awful lot about Mormonism, Judie. Where I grew up in NY, everyone was Catholic or Jewish. I didn't even know many Protestants until moving South! So my knowledge of Mormons is limited to an author/life coach I love to read, Martha Beck, who is no longer a Mormon and to my ex-husband's wife who I gather is fairly devoted. The funny thing is that HE was a serious, devout, conservative, practicing Catholic when he met her. She had been married twice before and though he worried about having our marriage anulled so that he could marry her, I guess he dropped the idea when he realized that he was going to hell no matter what since she had that marital history. Who knows, but I hope that he resolved it satisfactorily, instead of guilting himself forever!

    Lorena....It does sound like you've gotten it together well. The men will always be the men, but the HAIR is ever-changing and so much more capable of satisfaction, ya know? Please post a pic ASAP! How long is it? Is it wild or can you manage it? Is your vanity overloaded with various "products"? I love it!

    ~Marin

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008

    Oh, Susan! How hard it is to see our children suffer. Opium is a tough one to beat, but it sounds like he's working hard. I'm with him in spirit. For us, it's a tough part of parenting.

    Yes, Lorena, photos please!!!

    Marin, where I grew up it was Mormons and Protestants. The small contingent of Catholics was always a source of fascination and mystery to me.

    This being single bit is just wrong for this girl. I've always loved being part of a family. It's the basis of who I am. After 22 years, I can't imagine creating another family unit but hate being single.

    My life has been so wrapped up in family that I wouldn't even know where to begin. I prefer a female partner, but not the typical "in your face" one. There aren't a whole lot of those out there interested in someone my age with the evil personality that comes in that estrogen-sucking pill I swallow every day. I just gotta' figure out this being single business!!!

    So, what keeps your boat afloat as a single woman in this world? Anyone?

    Judie

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    What keeps my boat floating as a single?  I'm going to be perfectly frank - realizing how lucky I am NOT to be involved with a life-sucking moron of a husband!!  I know there are zillions of great guys out there, but there are also enough jerks to make me glad i don't have to share my life with one!

    Actually, having my mom live with me is not so bad...I come home from school to a clean house and a hot meal!  And, I don't have to sleep with her!!  How many husbands would fit that bill?!

    And, perhaps, living in such a rural area really cuts down on the availability of any desirable men.  I don't ask for much - full set of teeth would be nice.  And, a daily shower!

    Susan

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  • jdash
    jdash Member Posts: 754
    edited November 2008

    susan  thats true  going home to a life sucking moron of a husband is the worst  i know that all too well!  I am still naive in thinking that there are still some nice guys out there who actually like women ! 

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    jdash - My post surprises me!  Guess I still have anger issues!  After being alone for so many years, I'm not sure if I could adjust to someone else in my life.  I probably have the ideal relationship with an old friend - never married because he enjoys his "space". He and I go out to dinner, ride his Harley, do yard work, etc, and go back to our own beds.  Not romantic, to say the least, but it works for me!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited November 2008
    Susan, your life sounds ideal to me. Another person in the house and a good friend to hang out with. Those darned anger issues never truly go away.Kind of like BC is always lurking in a deep place even after it's gone.
    My relationship that recently ended was a mixed bag. The good was very, very good...family values, cooperating easily raising our son, very few conflicts or arguments, enjoying the same things. The bad was very, very bad. I won't go into details. Despite all, we worked hard to create a family and it was a strong one that was expected by both of us to be "until death..." Thus the difficulty making the seque into a fulfilling life as a single.


    Through the 22 years we were together, my circle of friends were gradually released and have moved on. Online dating in my situation would probably not be a great idea, so re-creating a social network is the goal, but a daunting one. I'm working on it. It seems that friends would be key to survival as a single.

    I wish I had a life sucking moron of an ex sometimes! Much more motivation to move on.

    Went to the Mass for street people who died here during the year...89 on them. It was nice, and also honored the people who work with the ones still living on the streets. Nothing special coming up, so my short stint as a believer is over for now.Laughing

    Sorry to make a long post, but I'd like opinions:

    I'm in a small 1-bedroom apartment. Because of the size, I've had to pare way down. My couch is an old futon couch I had in storage for years. Still very nice and comfortable to sleep on. My kitty, when I was away for the weekend, peed a good number of times in one spot. It soaked through everything and I had to throw it all out. I now have a bare metal frame for a couch.

    Money is a very large issue. I'd love to have a "real" couch, but not possible. Another futon and cover would be cheaper, but still a dent in the budget.

    Still in the ex's storage place is my drafting table. I used to do a lot of artwork. I'm toying with the idea of dumping the couch altogether and setting up the drafting table instead. That would leave four kitchen chairs, an upholstered rocking chair, and a recliner for seating. More that seven people...pillows on the floor.

    The decor would be very tacky to say the least, but I would have a place to "art" if I feel like it, which I probably won't.

    Whaddya' think?

    Judie

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited November 2008

    Judie - Get that table out and make good use of it!! Good for the soul to create.

    My goodness, 89 street people died?! Seattle sounds like a cold place to be on the street, but I'm not that familiar with your neck of the woods. That's just a lot of people, it seems.  What a shame.

    Susan

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  • Nancy101
    Nancy101 Member Posts: 59
    edited November 2008

    You ladies are saying some of my exact thoughts. 

    At the age of 50, I really don't see me marrying again.  I've always loved the idea of being married, but at this age, I think I'm more about friendships.  If it's meant to be, it will happen, I guess.

    I always told my friends, as I was raising my two sons alone, that I wasn't lucky enough to get rid of my ex as long as the kids were growing up, so why bother dating and getting involved with another man when I couldn't get rid of the one I divorced.  My ex was truly a life-sucking moron who thought he knew everything about raising kids, but really didn't; and, he lived in another state.  He paid me the lowest amount possible for child support and never paid the kids' insurance or medical bills.  Now that both my sons are adults, I am so happy that I don't have to talk with him anymore...just a couple of times per year.  I guess I too may still have some anger issues.

    I am keeping the faith that good things will happen for me and for all of us here on this board.

     Nancy

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