ROLL CALL - WHO'S A SINGLE SURVIVOR?

Anonymous
Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
edited June 2014 in Singles With Breast Cancer

This forum seems to need an infusion of some sort! Since I won't be moderating over on iVillage (I just miss my homies here too much!), I'll be spending more quality time here. So let's hear from each and every one of you...the "regulars" so far as well as anyone who mostly just reads the posts. Lets see what our number is like. So please post your screenname and a little bit about you...descriptive stuff about your life, your interests, things you're grappling with post- (or mid-) BC. Anything! Let's hear from you!

I'll go first:

FitChik: 55 years old, divorced nearly 4 years, one adult daughter who's in grad school. I work in cancer clinical trials and am going back to grad school for my MSW to do relationship therapy and life coaching with female survivors. I also am certified as a Personal Trainer and teach aerobics and Zumba (arrrrrriba!!!). I have an awesome, sweet, hot bf of 6 months, but have posted copious details regarding my difficulties with the alien group known as males. Last but not least (and no surprise to anyone who's been around here awhile), I LOVE SEX!!!

Neeeext....

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  • irishdreama
    irishdreama Member Posts: 938
    edited October 2008

    I'm 46 (almost 47) year old single mom of a ten year old daughter-have been divorced for 9 years, and completely away from the idiot for 6 years (IV drug user). I work in eldercare, am a medical assistant and currently working as program assistant for two assisted living facilities (one is an Alzheimer's unit). I am perfectly happy being single, as there was far too much drama in my life when I wasn't! Marin, I might love sex too, if I knew what GOOD sex was!!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2008

    Jpann39 - Im 46, will be 47 mid-Nov.....have posted on this site for almost 2 yrs and found wonderful support in everything I have looked for..

    As with Marin, I too am in a new relationship that started about 6 months ago and so far am estatically happy....

    I have two grown children and 6 wonderful grand kids...

    I enjoy most everything outdoors so I work as an office manager for the state Fish and Wildlife Department here....I actually LOVE my job...Im not always stuck in the office as with most OM jobs...I actually work with the biologist and techs out in the field more often than not.

    Awwww Irish-I didnt know what good sex was either until I met my man.....and woo, va va voom  its good stuff!!!!!

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  • cmharris59
    cmharris59 Member Posts: 496
    edited October 2008

    Hi All,

    I am 49, never married (so REALLY single), until recently was a working geologist for a mining company and an amateur bellydancer. I used to do power yoga daily.  All that changed with my dx. I live alone except for 5 cats, own my own home, have 3 cars (jeep, mustang, and convertible) and 2 motorcycles. I can no longer drive the stick shifts or the motorcycles. I am on disability since I can no longer drive my jeep into the mines and hike the rugged terrain. I developed every SE known to oncologists and then some. I have neuropathy that has not subsided since Feb. I am not dating and don't think that will happen any time soon. I have a tissue expander in my chest awaiting recon. It is very hard and sits a good 2 inches higher than my good breast, so I don't think that I am going to let anyone see me naked for awhile. 

    I loved sex before dx and my breasts were a large part of that enjoyment. In fact, I had reached a point that the only way to get an orgasm involved the breast heavily. It was GREAT!  Now I have no libido. I am on antidepressants but think they have stopped working...

    I found the lump myself during a self exam. I had to have a unilateral mastectomy one year ago. My anniversary is coming up in less than 2 weeks. I had neoadjuvant chemo to shrink tumor then chemo after surgery. Lost my hair both times, but that was the least of my worries. I found out that I was allergic to morphine in surgery. My first expander was overfilled and tore the incision, became infected and had to be replaced last December. I have neuropathy from the Taxol. I had Herceptin for 4 months and had to stop tx becauseof congestive heart failure. Those are some of the big issues.

    I live in a rural town that has few opportunities for meeting men. I have no family nearby. Moving is not an option as long as I am disabled.  I grapple with everything from having to get groceries to doctors that don't listen. 

    But in spite of it all, I am still here. So I am a survivor.

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  • cmharris59
    cmharris59 Member Posts: 496
    edited October 2008

    Maybe TMI?

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  • Jaybird627
    Jaybird627 Member Posts: 2,144
    edited October 2008

    I'm here, hit-and-miss.....

    My surgery was 3 1/2 years ago and so far so good. I'm a full-time single mom of an adopted (after BC tx) daughter and also a flight attendant in my spare time. My daughter has just recently slammed into the "terrible two's" so ya'll know how much fun I'm having! I've not much time to date but when I do it's usually with a much younger man (like mid-to-late 20's or early-to-mid 30's) as I've had enough of men my age (I'm 48). I'm too busy to have earth-shattering sex (been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, shoulda wrote a book) but occasionally do have a good time when my mom and work schedules permit!

     Maybe I don't belong here as I had the best sex of my life in my teen's and again in my mid-30's but I still try occasionally to find that place again.....

     p.s. to CM - where there's a will there's a way. Good luck to you! Try some amio acids. I, too, have Taxol-induced neuropathy.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2008

    I'm here, too ... like Janis, here and there.

    I am 3 years out now this past July and full time mom of a 7 year old daughter.  I work full time but the economy out here in California is tough now.  I am too stressed to date right now. I am divorced twice, married stupidly both times.  But I did get my girl: I have sole custody: legal and physical.  It's a blessing but tough since my family is not around here to help. 

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  • LorenaB
    LorenaB Member Posts: 937
    edited October 2008

    CM - I hope things start getting better for you soon!

    I just turned 42 and was very happy to put the past hellish year behind me.  I was dx in December of last year, had lumpectomy, re-excision, chemo and then a unilateral mastectomy in June.  Then I did radiation in August-September (which was a walk in the park compared to chemo!) and I am SO happy to be done with treatment.  Being bald was the most traumatic part of this whole process for me -- I now have about 2 inches of very thick, very tight curls and I can say that everything in life is better with hair (for me anyway). I am planning to have a DIEP reconstruction in the spring.

    I've been separated 2.5 years (almost divorced) and have a wonderful 7-year-old son who keeps me on my toes.  Fortunately my ex-H and I have remained friends - -he is a nurse and was a great support to me throughout the whole bc nightmare.  I've been dating someone for a year and a half, but I've taken to referring to him as my "sort of kind of boyfriend" because I'm not sure where we stand.  He didn't run screaming in other direction when he found out I had bc but he hasn't exactly been a rock of support either.  He's very wrapped up in his job and his kids -- and I think my body changes have freaked him out a lot.  We talk on the phone, hang out with the kids occasionally, and on the rare occasions that we have time alone, the chemistry is still there -- but it doesn't happen nearly often enough for me!  He also has sleep issues so I've given up on spending the whole night with him for the present time, which makes me sad.

    I have a great job in the nonprofit sector, working with school districts and communities all over the country that have federal grants for mental health and violence prevention.  Now that I'm feeling back to myself I'm traveling a lot, which is fun but also really complicated as a single parent.  I've put on some weight since dx and I'm soooo out of shape, so I just joined weight watchers and a new gym.  I'd like to get my body stronger before the big surgery in the spring.

    Oh, and I'd really like to buy a condo sometime in the next year, now that prices are getting lower and lower (currently renting).  It's not easy on one income, especially in the Northeast where I live.

     Now THAT was probably TMI!

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  • angel0921
    angel0921 Member Posts: 38
    edited October 2008

    Hi. I was diagnosed over the summer with DCIS. Had a lumpectomy/SNB and I'm on treatment #8 for rads (will be 33 total).

    I am divorced mom of two (boy 13, girl 11) and I am feeling sorry for myself today which I have tried very hard not to throughout this whole thing. Rads schedule is getting tiresome and I am feeling overwrought. Between a full time job and raising my kids and nows rads on top of it all, it's just a lot by myself. The ex sees the kids, but he travels a lot on business and aside from the everyother weekend deal, I can't really count on his help.

    I am having a down day today. Just feeling tired and lonely. I have been divorced for 3 years now, was married 15 (together 20). Ex found somene before we even separated and he is still with her. I have dated a lot of frogs but not a single prince.

    I have to be honest and say one of the hardest parts of being dxed with cancer is not having someone by my side. My mother, who I am very close to and is also a survivor, is "there" for me, but during the daily struggle, it's just me.Mom still works herself full time and has her own full plate. I tend to be a loner which doesn't help and the couple of good gfs I do have are married with kids and have their hands full.

     Having had just DCIS and a lumpectomy,  I have tried to minimize it and I am not one to be dramatic, but it's hard when I feel everyone thinks I am just fine (and I am not).

    My kids are at ages where they are very self centered and although I don't expect them to wait on me, I wish there was a little more consideration involved on their parts. They expect mommy to always be "on" and always 100% available and sometimes I just am not. Today I crawled into my shell and have been on the couch or bed most of the day. Even though my son made repeated "take me here, take me there" requests, I had to say I was feeling sick because apparenty being tired from "just rads" is not enough to get a break around here.

    I would love to have someone special in my life,  holding my hand, giving me something to look forward to (yes..including sex!). Most men I meet though are ONLY interested in sex and I have gotten so turned off by that. I am not looking for a full blown 24/7 relationship, just someone to spend time with me when I am free who can keep me company and I can have fun with. This middle ground kind of relationship seems soo hard to find. It also seems that there is always a lot younger men looking for "milf action" (lol) or older men who look like my dad. A guy around my age who wants what I want and is attractive seems to be an extinct species. Now I have to factor in a guy who will be caring enough to not be scared off by the C word. I have pretty much taken a dating hiatus till I am done with rads, but I am always open if the right guy came along.

    Fitchik, thanks for starting this thread. It has given me a chance to vent and read about other single survivors.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2008

    I'm so happy to see that such a diverse group of women are reading this thread and I really hope that you all continue to contribute! Please note that this whole forum for Single Survivors is for us to discuss ANY topic that is meaningful to us-- from lonliness to home repair to child-rearing to makeup and fashion. So although sex and romantic relationships are certainly interesting and important issues, they're certainly not the ONLY thing we're about.

    But for those of you who aren't dating, whether because of personal choice, lack of opportunity or reasons related to the effects of treatments and who want to date or consider it in the future, I MUST encourage you to be hopeful & optimistic, despite what your past experience has told you. Prior to my meeting P., I dated a looooong series of losers and emotionally unavailable men. But I just kept telling myself that I DESERVED a good, loving, sexy man and I will just keep looking for one until I found him. Well I finally have and am truly happy. I don't want or expect anything more from the realtionship than what it is now and that alone brings me alot of joy and contentment. So heads up, my chicas! We are strong and we are survivors. We deserve happiness and can even expect it!

    ~Marin

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  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited October 2008

    CM, there is a treatment modality using phototherapy that can reduce neuropathy.  It is administered by a PT & can help a lot.  I'm a PT who works for the Visiting Nurses & we've just acquired two phototherapy units so that we can visit patients in their homes & do this treatment.  PM me if you want to get into how to pursue this.  Any of your docs can write an order for homecare PT.  If you have a PT & she/he needs info on this, let me know.

    Everyone, I'm 54 years young, never married so never had to get divorced or share my hard-earned assets with any lawyers & ex's; no kids although I love kids & am an enthusiastic aunt/pseudo mom/grandmom to my friends' kids; just dx'd this summer with DCIS & still dealing.  My signature has my info.  Just started tamoxifen last night, so need to update my signature.

    I've had a damn good sex life, with the best sex of my life at age 50.  The year I turned 50, however, I had to have a lumbar diskectomy & my then-boyfriend couldn't deal with not being the center of the known universe so I kicked him to the curb.  We had phenomenal chemistry in the sack, but hey, I don't want to play Mommy to any Boomers, ya know??  Especially not while recovering from back surgery.  Got better things to do with my time & have been doing them.  Further details at www.kksphotos.com/contents.html & be sure to click on "Sketches" for my blog pages for some irreverance & even animation about this current adventure.

    By choice, I've not been interested in a relationship in the last four years, even tho' my mojo works just fine.  A lot of my mojo gets rechanneled into making art, which has always been an outlet for me, & I've had a lot of success & recognition for my art these last four years.  Art is a lot more rewarding for me these days than the eventual sturm und drang of romance, I find, but those of you who are getting some, enjoy!  And don't put up with any BS just to keep it.  It ain't worth it in the end if a lover's not a friend.  (I just made that up...)

    My favorite threads so far here when I want to lighten up are "The Fashion Thread" & "Pink - It's Not Just For Pepto Bismal Anymore," both under the Moving On topic.  By the way, Marin, I love J.K. Rowling.  I think she seriously rocks & I have a magic wand like Hermione's.

    If I didn't have a sense of humor, I swear I'd have been dead long ago, so that's one of the things that keeps me going.  That & great, great pals, who have been really stupendous throughout this adventure.  But, Angel & all you ladies, it is definitely an extra challenge to go through this as a single person, without someone by your side, & even with that, no one understands this like another woman who's gone through it.  Sometimes I have felt like "I want my mommy" which is just a measure of how vulnerable this whole thing can make you feel.  Having BC is a lot like finding out you have a stalker.

    Kathi

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2008

    Kathi...It's too bad (for me) that you live in RI...you sound like a woman of much substance and definitely one I could hang out with!

    ~Marin

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  • cmb35
    cmb35 Member Posts: 1,106
    edited October 2008

    Hey ladies,

    Just a quick note to say, "yup, me too" on the single survivor front. Divorced 10 years ago, dx with bc 3 years ago, and about 2 years into a relationship, got engaged after finishing treatment (he did stick by my through dx and tx) and then he up and left while my son and I were away on school vacation. Packed up his stuff and left without telling me, but fortunately, I could hear something weird in his voice, and I got it out of him before walking into the house. Nice, huh?

    Anyway, been on my own for almost 2 years now, sort of kind of just starting out dating a guy who seems really nice, and really seems to like me, but I'm not super feeling it. Not sure if that has to do with me, him or a combination of both. I have a PBM (with or withou recon, I'm not sure yet) in my future, and although he didn't bat an eye when I just last weekend told him that, I think in a way it's holding me back.

    Yikes, anyway, I'm swamped at work (so of course, I'm here reading the boards!) so I really did mean for this to be a quick pop-in. I'm interested in learning more about you all, and talking about some of the single life cancer survivor stuff.

    Thanks for the thread Marin....

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  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited October 2008

    cmb35, oh. my. god.  How sad about your former fiance.  I bet you were gobsmacked when he left like that.  But, you never know how this kind of thing is going to get to someone. 

    Marin, thanks for the kind, welcoming words!   And, hey, if I get to NC, I'll let you know!  Ditto if you ever come up to RI or Boston (I'm not far from Boston at all).  I spent a few lovely days once on the Outer Banks, during a drive back home from the Orlando area, where my mom lived at the time, the week after Hurricane Andrew hit south Florida!!!!   THAT was a story, let me tell you!

    Kathi

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  • cmb35
    cmb35 Member Posts: 1,106
    edited October 2008

    Kathi - Yes, I think he is the only person in my entire life I have every truly wanted to experience karma, mostly because what he did was so damaging to my poor son, who had already been through quite enough with his dad leaving, his grandma dying and his mom getting cancer all by the tender young age of 9, and really didn't need any more bad stuff happening to him (or to his mom.)

    I'm in Framingham, where are you?

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  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited October 2008

    cmb, your poor son!  How is he faring through all of this?  How is he now?  How are you?

    Oh, my, the mention of Framingham gives me flashbacks!!  I did my freshman year of college at Framingham State, although now, it's probably called UMass-Framingham, eh??

    I come from Weymouth originally & spent most of my adulthood in Boston, Jamaica Plain to be exact.  Now I live in southern RI.  One of my gal pals told me there was an article in the Globe in the last week or so about how my own little village of Peace Dale is being hit by the current economic situation.  Actually, I think they made it sound worse than it really is!  It's beautiful down here, like maybe parts of the Cape were about 20 years or so ago, before it started getting really crowded.  I came down here to go to grad school & never left.

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited October 2008

    Ok, ladies,

    I guess I'm the old fart of the group - I'll be 62 on Sat.  Married and divorced twice!  I have four grown children and two grandbabies, but they all live away - the furthest is in Tampa.  He's just going through (I hope) an opium withdrawl program. My cancer was the catalyst.  It really hit him hard.   Thank you, cancer, for something!

    My mom lives with me, and, bless her heart, I hope my kids shoot me if I ever get as negative and crabby as she is.  Some days I'd like to run away from home.

    No man in my life and that's fine, most of the time.  Sometimes I do miss having someone to turn to for strength and comfort.

    OH - the absolute best thing that has happened to me during all of this?  The baby I had to give up at birth, 40 years ago, contacted me right ou of the blue after my surgery this summer!  She had seen my message on one those adoption web sites that I had posted 3 or 4 years ago!  OMG! 

    She and I have been emailing like crazy, trying to catch up on 40 years of life.  Boy, things certainly were different back in the 60s.  

    Anyway, I teach kindergarten, and am looking forward to retirement.  I hope I can afford to soon, while I can still enjoy it.  (Before the big C comes back.) 

    Probably TMI, as well.  Sorry.

    Susan

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2008

    Susan...WELCOME to our Singles board! I seriously doubt that you're the elder here and even if you are, many of us are right behind you. I, for one, put absolutely NO faith in the concept that age has much to do with anything. Instead, I think, we feel old or young because of our circumstances and, of course, sometimes they are within our control and sometimes they're not.

    Anyway, we're glad you're here, Susan!

    ~Marin

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2008

    And cmb35 (Colleen?), that really sucks about your ex-bf, though you are clearly better off without him. And what a freakin' coward, sneaking off while you're out of town! With each story like yours I become more convinced that men really are an alien species! As the mother of a boy, though, you have a wonderful opportunity to raise a decent, sensitive, honorable man...how cool is that?!

    ~Marin

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2008

    And Kathi...what an accomplished blog/website you have! I couldn't take it all in at once and plan to read more tomorrow. And your artwork is just beautiful! You are one talented chica!

    ~Marin

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  • irishdreama
    irishdreama Member Posts: 938
    edited October 2008

    Kathi and cmb,

    Talking about Framingham brought back memories for me, as well. I was born and raised in Malden and moved here to Maine when I was 17. I had freinds in Framingham, Arlington, Newton and Weymouth as well.

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  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited October 2008

    Marin, thanks again!  Glad you like my pix.  My website is so in need of updating, but I've been kinda busy lately, ya know???

    Irish!  Another Mass. gal!  So, of course, you know that the proper way to say Arlington is "Ahhh-lington."

    Wink Kathi

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  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited October 2008

    Oh, and Susan, that is waaaay cool about your adopted daughter getting in touch with you.  Way.  My cousin had the same experience a few years ago.  She had a baby girl in high school & gave it up, then when she was about 58, her daughter found her & she's a great young woman & they've really had the best time catching up.  Hugs to you & your newly found daughter.

    Kathi

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited October 2008

    Kathi,

    I really appreciate you sharing that with me.  I have carried the guilt and shame with me for 40 years.  To be able to explain to her why it was best to give her up to a well-to-do, loving family, instead of making her grow up as the illegitimate child of a college drop out, lifted a huge weight off me, because I was finally able to see that I had done the right thing for her.  She had a wonderful life.  Who knew?

    Susan

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2008

    Susan...Let me speak for a woman on the receiving end of an act so courageous and generous as releasing one's baby for adoption. My baby girl came to me when she was 36 hours old and since the very first moment I set eyes on her, I was, for the first time in my life, passionately in love! I had gone through premature menopause when I was 17 and by the time I reached my late 20's, I could think of nothing but becoming a mother. And then Caitlin "happened." I have done everything possible to provide for her the very best environment in which to flourish and she has given me immeasureable joy in return. Really, though I'm typically good with words, I can't find adequate ones to describe how much I cherish my girl. Nor can I properly convey the depth of my gratitude to the young woman who gave me the immense privilege of raising her daughter. Though I've never met her, I believe that we share a strong, eternal tie and I pray always for her happiness and for all of the rewards she deserves for having given me such joy. In fact, tomorrow my Caitlin turns 25 years old and every year on her birthday, we say a special prayer of gratitude for that amazing woman who gave her life. Caitlin has grown into a beautiful, intelligent, courageous, creative and compassionate young woman...I think her bio-Mom would be so proud!

    ~Marin

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  • cmb35
    cmb35 Member Posts: 1,106
    edited October 2008

    Wow, lots of MA girls!

    Susan - Being the Angela Landsbury of infertility, many of my friends' kids and nephews are adopted, as a matter of fact, until he was about 4, my son knew more kids who were adopted than not. He once said, "cool, regular or adopted?" in response to me telling him one of our friends had a baby. My brother and SIL, and many friends, express the same sentiments - they are eternally grateful to the brave women who blessed them with the privilege of becoming their child's parent. Being a parent means making hard decisions, and I think a birth parent making the decision to place their child with another family is one of the hardest, and most selfless, decisions you could ever make.

    Guess what? Had a really nice date with a really nice guy last night - go figure!!

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited October 2008

    cmb35 - First, congrats on the date!  If he has any single friends...!

    Second, my daughter went to the Boston Conservatory for dance, and as much as I loved the city, I was forever getting lost!  If she had continued there, I was going to get a licence plate with LostnBoston" on it!

    And, third, Marin and cmb35 -  I am sitting in my classroom reading your posts, all teary from your powerful words.  All of the sudden, and I truly mean this, I can see it from the adoptive parents' point!

    All these years, it has been all about my shame. Time to sing a different tune, I guess!  Thank you both so much for one less reason to beat myself up.  And, even though it's not cancer-related, it's probably one of the most powerful things that has happened to me since this damned cancer thing!

    And, if I can figure a way to upload a picture w/o Photo Bucket, I'll let you put a face where my mouth is!

    Susan

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  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited October 2008

    Susan & Marin & Colleen, you have made me all teary-eyed...

    Kathi

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2008

    Wow, what a great thread and interesting women!

    I'm older than you, Susan, a 65-year-old fart, thank you!

    Married for 13 years, four children, single, relationship for 2 years, single, relationship for 22 years, one child, single since January this year. Eldest child 45, youngest 19. Eldest grandchild 22, youngest 2. Eight of them total, all brilliant and adorable, of course.

    My second child was adopted. After my first, I was told I was infertile, so we adopted. 22 months later I gave birth. For the first time in my marriage started using birth control. 15 months later gave birth again. Some infertility, eh? When my daughter was 23, she found her birth mother. They were happy to get to know each other, but didn't last long. Not exactly an ideal situation. My daughter was the youngest of five. The other four grew up in foster care. Very sad. Even so, I have been grateful every day of my daughter's life that she loved this one enough to let her go. She's a wonderful daughter in every way.

    Last year saw the deaths of three close family members, son going off to college and having an empty nest crisis, my diagnosis, my partner finding someone else. I'm still trying to adjust. One day at a time.

    I opted out of rads and chemo, had a bilateral in August of last year, and am on Femara.

    So here I am, unwillingly single, living alone. Whoopee!!!

    Thanks for starting the thread, Marin!

    Judie

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2008

    OMG!!! It just hit me...so obvious....adoption causes breast cancer. Just look at us! Add it to your list girls. Cool

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  • mzmiller99
    mzmiller99 Member Posts: 894
    edited October 2008

    Kathi - We can blame the tears on the hormone upheaval!Smile

    Judie - happy to hear from another grandma, but let's not get going about those incredible grandkids or we'll be here all night!!Wink As someone once said, "if I knew they'd be this much fun, I would have had them first". 

     I am sorry that you've had such losses last year, along with the dx.  I have never lived alone, ever.  Either kids and husband, or kids, no husband, or kids and mom, or no kids, and just mom.

    You're right, there are so cool women here...and we never would have met were it not for our bad boobs! 

     Susan

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