Friends? What friends??

Options
2

Comments

  • Reader
    Reader Member Posts: 58
    edited October 2008

    Hi Becca, I'm sorry to hear of your bad experience.

    It definitely happens sometimes.  I think it's hard to take, in part, because magazines and books always portray this big rally of supportive friends.  "You've got to tell people so they can support you!"  But some people aren't supportive.  If you don't get the group hug, it's disappointing -- it feels like it's "not supposed to be this way".  I know that at times I felt like "What's wrong with me?", after all, other people tell tales of daily casserole deliveries. ;)

    When I found that I needed a mastectomy (DCIS -- 3 places), I thought my longtime friend, M, would make some visits, listen, be there for me.  Instead, she distanced herself, didn't call, wasn't available. I was shocked.  BTW, this woman formerly worked as a clinical psychologist, so she can't claim ignorance of others' feelings.  And my situation was quite difficult, because my mother was not supportive at all, so I needed friends.

    I told her that I was disappointed with her.  She apologized, but it's not the same.  I'm still "sort of" friends with her, but she'll never be very important to me again.  She's not evil, but she does see others' needs as simply less important.  She asks a lot of others and doesn't give enough back.  I still see her once in a while, but she's not on my short list of special people any more. 

    Becca, I just want to assure that you didn't do anything wrong.  Unfortunately, we don't find out what people are made of until the storm hits.   

    Take care.

    Reader  

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2008

    Maire67: I did the same thing with all the cards I got. One of them that made me cry each time I read it was from a friend of my 28 year old son. He said whenever he spoke with my son, he was reminded of what a great mom I was and that I insipred him with my bravery. That got me every time and still makes me cry today. That kind of "simple" thought from someone who was not close to me was sooooo touching compared to the lack of thought from some of my "best friends."

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • samon
    samon Member Posts: 100
    edited October 2008

    I understand  the friends not being there.  I belonged to a mom's group that was always there to make a meal for others when they had a baby.  Well, when I was diagnosed with bc I didn't want to make a big public announcement so I told the members each individually and asked them not to tell others outside our group.  Some of them in the group knew I was just sharing it withing our momsin the group even though I didn't make a big announcement there.  Our group consisted of five moms.  Well, NONE of them offered to make a meal for me or bring me anything or offer to take my kids for a day.  I had an 18 month old that I couldn't pick up for six weeks and a seven year old.  I was just stunned that they felt it was ok to abandon me. 

    The following year one of the moms was having an outpatient surgery to have a cycst removed and another mom called me to see if we should make a meal for her.  I couldn't answer.  I was just stunned.  Here I was in the hospital a year earlier and had a bilat. mast. and that didn't matter.  I felt like I had been slapped in the face.  When I told her how I felt, her comment was that everyone was so busy when I had my surgery and because I didn't make a public announcement of it they all thought I didn't want any help.  To top it all off, even though they didn't have time to help, two of them found the time to tell others about my surgery even though I had asked them to keep it private. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Beth1128
    Beth1128 Member Posts: 132
    edited October 2008

    I can totally relate...dont understand it at all but Ill tell you my breast surgeon said after I told her my sister in law was dx w/IDC a few wks after my lumpectomy she said what ever you do dont ignore her well I told her that I can understand why she said that because for some reason its not uncommon for people to do this..even if people dont know what to say a "Im thinking of you" is all it takes :) 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • flfish
    flfish Member Posts: 423
    edited October 2008

    Wow, thanks for posting this.  I thought I was the only one feeling this way.  My very best friend did the same thing to me (which was surprising since her own son was diagnosed with cancer when he was only 2 -- he is in remission now, thank God).  There are times that I think that hurts more than the treatment.  But, on the other hand, there were wonderful people came out of the woodwork and surprised me.  Luckily I have a wonderful DH and this webpage.  The women (and men) here are wonderful. 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • looper
    looper Member Posts: 67
    edited October 2008

    This is my first post also--just found this site.  I have DCIS, was diagnosed on Aug. 20, had a left mastectomy on Sept. 15, and had the surgery redone due to lack of healing on Oct. 1.  I'm having a very hard time with pain and discomfort, although I think a great deal of it is emotional.

     I feel so bad for the lady whose friends have seemingly abandoned her--very hard to understand.  So far I've had more attention than I can sometimes handle, and friends and family have been wonderful.  My surgery is recent, so we'll see how the long term goes, but right now everyone has gone way beyond the call.  My husband is at my side for every procedure and every emotional outburst, of which there are many these days.

    I'm seeing my oncologist tomorrow for my first post-surgery, as I've only seen my plastic surgeon up until now.   Maybe I can get some answers, or maybe from those of you out there who feel tortured by the prickly feelings in the skin, some severe enough to make me wince and cry out.  I have an expander in, which I hear now is expected to cause discomfort.  It all seems so unfair.

    I have much more to say, but this is a start.  Hope to make friends on this site!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Kimber
    Kimber Member Posts: 384
    edited October 2008

    I posted on the LCIS board "My best friend dumped me".  Some people responded that it might have to do with my diagnosis, which I promptly disregarded, but after having found this post, I think it might be the reason she dumped me, she just waited a while and used a real lame excuse.  I guess maybe she was looking for a reason.  It would also explain why she was never around for me through my surgeries, etc.  This thread has really opened my eyes.  I have gotten support from people I hardly knew before my diagnosis, and some I have known all my life just disappeared.....

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • redheadace1
    redheadace1 Member Posts: 212
    edited October 2008

    Kimber--is that your puppy you have posted for your avatar? What a cutie! He looks a lot like my dog.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Mary-Lou
    Mary-Lou Member Posts: 2,230
    edited October 2008

    I just keep thinking "Every Dog has his Day" Some of my friends have been MIA for 3 years now. And I don't get close to anyone anymore like I did before.

    I still feel a lot of anger.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • mamakaren
    mamakaren Member Posts: 225
    edited October 2008

    Gosh I thought that I was the only one that felt like this. I also feel like friends don't hang out with me anymore because they feel like I'm contagous or something. I don't like that fact that I think in my head If they were to get cancer that I would treat them the same way. Not call them when they first found out that they have cancer. I don't like to think like that but sometimes people can be so insensitve because they have no clue how it feels to have your life invaded by this nasty crap! I guess all we can do is just to forget about them and wish them well and concentrate on getting ourselves better, all I know is that we need to save our stregnth on fighting this shit instead of using our energy on friends who are not friends. I guess that's why we have eachother here on this tread. Hope you guys feel better

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • emath
    emath Member Posts: 92
    edited October 2008

    Welcome Looper! Here you have friends! Anytime you need to vent, cry or scream we will not judge you at all. We will give you a gentle (((((((((hug))))))))))) also. Hope that you start feeling better soon and that the pain eases some. Unless someone has gone through this, they have no ideal what it is like. Come back as much as you like! Someone is always here.

    Ellen

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Dejaboo
    Dejaboo Member Posts: 2,916
    edited October 2008

    I feel so alone.   I hate feeling like I dont matter.

     My friends have not called, emailed or stopped by.  I do not feel like calling them anymore.  As I know they really are not true friends.  It has been like that since dx.

    I feel Sad & Hurt with my family.  My sister called 2 days after my last surgery which was 14 days ago.  I have not heard from her since.   I was hoping for a call this weekend- just to see how I was doing.  I make up excuses for her & say well she is busy.  But I know she can make 5 minutes to call & ask how I am doing.

    No other family has called either.  Cry

    This is the only place I have support.  Thanks for listening.

    Pam

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Catherine
    Catherine Member Posts: 305
    edited October 2008

    It's remarkable that some total strangers have been more supportive than family of so-called "close" friends.  A lot of it stems from fear.  Women are afraid that it could happen to them as well and that scares them.  Get your support where you can.  This board was so helpful.

    Catherine

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited October 2008

    You know, I agree with Catherine, & I have to say as well that I hear a lot of "we didn't want to bother you" when I finally hear from someone or run into someone who only called once or didn't call at all.  It may just be an excuse sometimes, but I think it is partly that people do really think that we're all so exhausted, we don't want to be "bothered" with anyone!!  I have ended up telling people so often, "You're not bothering me!  What bothers me is when no-one bothers!" 

    I've had to do a lot of forgiving, tho', over the years for this & other times when my friends & family have failed.  Doesn't mean I still hang out with some of those folks anymore, but I have had to let go of a lot.  I'll tell you, I never make the mistake of "not bothering" someone else anymore, when the shoe is on the other foot!  I know how angry I've felt when so-called "best friends" have dropped the ball on me in the past.

    If my friends now have by & large done very well by me this time, I think maybe it's because I've gotten better at picking friends after some of my experiences in the past. 

    Wow, the things you end up learning from all this.  Some of those lessons are bitter, but thankfully we have this forum, which has saved my sanity more than once.

    Kathi 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • footprintsangel
    footprintsangel Member Posts: 43,890
    edited October 2008

    Since I was told I have cancer. I am mostly alone too. I drove myself to chemo and then out to lunch. Then I went home and got sick, Now that I have lymphedema(arthritis) and use a walker and wheelchair. I have very little visitors still, I go and visit some old people and take them goodies. Alot of my good friend are too busy now.  Hang on to alot of good people here! God bless you, Debbie

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • swimangel72
    swimangel72 Member Posts: 1,989
    edited October 2008

    I consider myself very lucky that I have wonderful people I work with. When I was in the hospital so long (3 weeks) - the meals came every single day - they started a "meal-run" - and the outpouring of support was amazing! If I hadn't been working I would've been very lonely - except for my DH - I don't have a lot of friends here since we only moved here 2 years prior to my dx. My only sister lives an hour away and has to travel a lot on her job - she's been wonderful (cooked Easter dinner for me) - but it's not like she could help me much. My in-laws were amazingly supportive on the phone - they called me every day, and my sil came on a Sunday and made me her famous chicken soup, even though she lives an hour away.  My mom lives in a distant state - and she's 84 and not driving any more, so we don't see each other that much - but I truly believe her prayers helped me recover from my staph infection. I haven't gotten very involved with my church community other than Sunday mass, but I keep promising myself I will soon. So I really would have been lost without the wonderful women I work with.

     This thread makes me realize how fortunate I really am - to belong to some kind of community. Often I think about the word "community" and how much it's missing in so many of our lives. Our online community fills the gap a little bit - but it's not the same. I think my heart longs for a sense of community that existed in a world like that in "Little House on the Prairie" - if it ever REALLY existed. Nostalgia for another time and place.............a longing for "home".............perhaps really just a longing for heaven.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited October 2008

    Pam, mamakaren, Mary-Lou & everyone,

    Just wanted to remind us all about looking for in-person breast cancer support groups in our local areas, too.  The hospital where I had my surgery has tons of info on in-person support of all sorts.  Our surgeons' or even our gynecologists' offices probably have info on support groups as well.  Our online community is a godsend, but we can all do with some in-person hugs from other women "in the club."  I just had coffee yesterday with a local survivor from this forum, after she and I had figured out from various postings here that we lived in the same area.  There's nothing like a few hugs from someone who's been there.

    I go back to work next week, so stopped by my office yesterday to drop off my return-to-work doctor's letter.  I'm happy to say I got lots of hugs there, too.  It was great.  Like swimangel, I know I'm very fortunate to work with so many great women.  I work for a visiting nurse agency, so I think in general my colleagues are a very compassionate, tough, brave bunch because of what we all see every day in our jobs.  Still, I take nothing for granted anymore, because I've worked in healthcare settings where my boss & some of my colleagues were total ****'s & couldn't care less about anyone, making me wonder why the heck they worked in healthcare in the first place!!

    In the meantime, cyberhugs to all,

    Kathi

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Christianne
    Christianne Member Posts: 76
    edited October 2008

    I too can totally relate.  Some friends did NOTHING, absolutely nothing.  No card even.  The people who were most supportive were people I work with.   It hurts a lot when people you think would express caring don't do anything at all.  And it still hurts when I see them.  This whole experience has made me realize how much it means to someone facing something difficult to have support--so I have learned to do for others what I found so extremely valuable to me when I needed it.  I know I have been guilty in the past of not being there for friends, so I'm trying to do better.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • kiffc
    kiffc Member Posts: 16
    edited October 2008

    I've read through several of the postings to your question. I was diagnosed in May 2008 and had a masectomy and reconstructive surgery on my right breast in June so I did not do radiation or chemo. I'm just about to have another surgery toward the end of Oct for my permanent implant and nipple reconstruction. A friend of mine suggested I use www.carepages.com It's a great resource (blog) to keep your friends and family up-to-date and they can provide e-cards and virtual hugs online, too. It was a comfortable venue to keep them informed. I did try to be judicious and not overwhelm them with too many postings. I tried to post primarily following my dr's appts. What's great is that, after you post, you will get several folks who respond to your postings with continued prayers and words of encouragement.

    Reflecting back, I remember at work most folks looking at me like I was about to die when they first found out about my diagnosis. My boss allowed me to share my prognosis at one of our team meetings which put everyone more at ease. This also happened at a Cub Scout parent meeting and I had to put others at ease there, too.

    I was fortunate that my church provided meals following surgery which really helped out because we have three elementary age boys. The one thing I really wished for but never got was help cleaning my house. I did have some friends offer but they, too, had kids, work and other responsibilities and I just never could ask someone to do that -- plus, I was embarrassed about all my dust bunnies. I'm open yet private. Meaning, I am comfortable talking about what happened to me but I don't really like to advertise it. I don't want it to be a stigma for me.

    I think it does scare people -- as one poster already put -- it's the reality of facing mortality. To be honest, I'm still in disbelief that I've even had to go through this. I truly think that people don't know what to say sometimes. You really have to make feel comfortable about a topic most folks really don't know much about -- including myself until I had to go through it. If you are a spiritual person -- lean on that for strength and solace. Your journey may be a beacon for others when you least expect it.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • TriciaAnn
    TriciaAnn Member Posts: 1
    edited October 2008

    My BF since 7th grade told me today I WISHED BC on myself. She say I think about it too much.  Her unsolicted opinion is that I shouldn't do anythingregarding any treatments b/c by thinking about what to do I'm causing more BC & other things.  She's a loon & I love her for being her.  She cares deeply for me too & is the one friend who is there for me all the time.  Lucky for her, she'll probably never have anything like this to deal with in her life. She did make me laugh today.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Beth1128
    Beth1128 Member Posts: 132
    edited October 2008

    Tricia...YOU are the true friend because you understand her quirky ways and knowing she loves you at the same time..good for you for overlooking her crazy thoughts and realizing thats probably what makes her...who she is...you sound like a true friend...wish you the best :) 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • murphmort
    murphmort Member Posts: 157
    edited October 2008

    I think everyone has had the full range of support or lack of support.  At times like this, you truly find out who matters the most in your life.  I am fortunate that my husband and two children were my best cheerleaders, even though my kids were only teenagers.  My hope is that my experience taught my children to have empathy and compassion for others.  

    I believe the folks who aren't part of our lives because of our diagnosis are not the type of people who should be in our life.  

    I was very fortunate to participate in the ACS Breast Cancer Making Strides Walk in Boston on October 5th.  Over 100 kids from my son's high school participated and I received so many hugs that day.  I found it so inspirtational - some of those kids have moms who have not even asked me how I'm doing even though their kids come over my house .... But, that is the exception rather than the rule. 

    I sent the poem below to a bunch of my friends after completing my radiation.  Take a moment and read it, I'm sure you will be able to relate to it and send it forward to those "girls in your circle".

    GIRLS IN MY CIRCLE
     
    When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend, and then I started to become a woman. And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up, you will be shown the best, in many friends.
     
    One friend is needed when you're going through things with your partner. Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your parents. Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities. Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
     
    One friend will say, 'Let's cry together,' another, 'Let's fight together, ' another, 'Let's walk away together.' One friend will meet your spiritual need, another your shoe fetish, another your love for movies, another will be with you in your season of confusion, another will be your clarifier, another the wind beneath your wings.
     
    But whatever their assignment in your life, on whatever the occasion, on whatever the day, or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back, or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself ... those are your best friends. It may all be wrapped up in one woman, but for many, it's wrapped up in several... one from 6th grade, one from high school, some from the college years, a couple from old jobs, on some days your mother, on some days your neighbor, on others, your sisters, cousins, and on some days, your daughters.
     
    There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
     
    So whether they've been your friend for 20 minutes or 20 years, AND ONLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO, pass this on to the women who have been placed in your life to make a difference, and don't forget to send it back to the one who gave it to you, if they have made a difference in your life.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • mybeautifulsister
    mybeautifulsister Member Posts: 142
    edited October 2008

    Murph,

    you are a smart lady!! WOW, what a post. we all can learn from this, thank you!!!!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • murphmort
    murphmort Member Posts: 157
    edited October 2008

    Hi My Beatiful Sister - I find myself going back to that poem and rereading it.  It helps sometimes when you need a boost.  Good luck with the journey. 

    I'm not too far from Medway ... I live south of Boston.

    Have a good day! 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • koshka1
    koshka1 Member Posts: 678
    edited October 2008

    Hello...

    Well, I think I am going to lose my best friend because of Cancer....

    Ya know.. She was the first person that I called when I had my mammo and my biopsies.  The reason I called her was because she was my life long friend and we have always been each others "Rock."  We shared things together that I never did with other friends...she was always the one that I went too...and her the same.

    When I finally got my diagnosis I called her and she did not call me back for a few days which I deem is ok...as it was over Christmas and I am certain she needed a few days to process.

    Then, after I had my re-excision and was told my lymph nodes were clean I sent her an email...she then called me later that day and sounded really happy.  We were both glad that my prognosis was good.... She mentioned she would visit.....

    I then proceeded with the routine stuff,,, oncologist appointments, radiation treatment you name it...No word from her for 3 months... I was sooo hurt... I confess it was even hard for me to mail her a birthday card... She was my rock!!

    After her birthday (this was April) she called and left me a message.."Hi I have been thinking about you.... I have been away on vacation, I hope all is well".... And I was so hurt and upset I did not call her back.... I just couldn't. 

    I did send her an email inbetween all of this to tell her that I may be considering another surgery for a bilateral and reconstruction...she did not write back to me at all.

    Another couple months went by and we were now in July.  She finally called and I just simply asked her "Are you afraid to visit me because I have Cancer?"....her answer was no..i have been busy dealing with my own stuff.  Hmmmm 

    I find this soooo hard to swallow...everyone has their own stuff.....but I had cancer!.... I was not asking for anything but maybe a nice visit to the mall and maybe lunch..just to hang out and be normal!!!  I know everyone has stuff...but the last time I checked...Breast Cancer was slightly more serious than the common cold!

    Anyway, I told her it would be nice to have a visit...(I had been off work for 6 months) and to spend a day going out for shopping and lunch..just like the good old days....No word from her....

    It is now October, a year since my bad mammogram,,almost a year since all of it...and I have not seen my friend nor have I barely even heard from her.

    My heart aches with disappointment.

    To be honest, if she phoned me now and made plans to see me.. I dont think that I could even look her in the face....

    It is so sad that our friendship has been damaged in this way.

    On a brighter note tho....all of my other friends, clients, co-workers, you name it have gone above and beyond to help me and cheer me up thru all of this...in that way I am so blessed.  I have also been blessed by all the wonderful ladies... (and a few men) in the chat room that helped me thru this as well.....

    I continue to plug along and "be normal" in the "new normal"....

    Hugs to all of you and Be Strong...

    Kosh

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Held
    Held Member Posts: 506
    edited October 2008

    Kosh honey!!!  Give me her name and address and I will go beat her up for you!!! LOL!  How dare ANYONE hurt my Kosh!! 

    I miss you honey - I hope all is well.

    -Held

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • KAK
    KAK Member Posts: 1,679
    edited October 2008

    Oh, Kosh.  I've had a couple of similar experiences.  It hurts.  It's so sad because your friend's behavior has to do with issues I bet she's not even aware of or admitting that she has. 

    One of my friends got really freaked out when I was diagnosed with BC & thought that the way to deal with me was to be all chirpy & chatty & tell me all these inane bits of gossip that I didn't give a rodent's tush about.  What I needed was to be listened to & validated.  I realized she was doing what she was doing because she couldn't listen to me talk about having cancer.  I'm like a surrogate daughter to her & it was just too much for her to think I had a disease that could kill me.  Whenever I tried to talk about how I felt, she would shut down or change the subject.  So, I stopped trying to talk to her about how I felt.  I had to feel angry & disappointed, accept where she was at, & move on.  Eventually, I figured out that what she could do was things like pick up groceries or dogsit once in a while.  So, that's what I ask for.  And it's okay.

    Thank goodness we both have the forum as well as other friends who can stay the course with us in different ways.

    Kathi

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • mamakaren
    mamakaren Member Posts: 225
    edited October 2008

    Kosh, I had a similar experience like that but you know what things like that happen to us I guess to make us stronger even though it sounds crazy but it will. Sorry that you have to have such a unsensitve person in your life but someday she will realize it was wrong and when she does she's gonna see how strong you are. Also that you are doing great without her friendship. keep your chin up and be strong! What do we do when life throws us lemons? We make one hell of a lemonade girl!!!! I'm here for you anytime. Love ya!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • pink96818
    pink96818 Member Posts: 5
    edited October 2008

    I was feeling the same way once the news got out that I had BC.(two weeks ago)  I had received a few emails and a cards in the mail the first week. Then....nothing....so I called one of my best friends yesterday. She said everyone thought that I needed some time and my space right now because they didn't want to make me cry or upset. I explained that I need the opposite...I needed comfort right now as well as some fun girl time when possible! and if I needed time I'd let them know. So in your case...it could be the same thing. I'm finding people become afraid and just don't know what to say and mostly don't want to upset us anymore than we probably are. I'd say to just reach out a little 8) This website is awesome and I'm so happy to have found it. It is really helping me get through this.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Harsch
    Harsch Member Posts: 31
    edited October 2008

    This very topic has been the hardest for me to deal with throughout surg/chemo/radiation = I am 3 months out of treatment and I have shed sooooooo many tears from such a deep sadness and being so lonely.  Before BC, I had what I thought were good friendships and you would have thought I had died, as I have never heard from most of what I thought were my good friends.  My Counsins wife sent me a 4 page powerpoint presentation on how I had brought BC on to myself by worrying about my personal appearance and keeping my house clean and DARN, who would of thought that Mascara would have brought on BC.  After reading these posts, I must truly acknowledge how fortunate I have been, as my very best friend hung in there with me all the way - she didn't come to the house much, but she called almost everyday throughout this last year and I truly don't know what I would have done without her.

    My heart goes out to each one of you that has been hurt by others and I keep reading BeccaJ's post where she says I THOUGHT I MATTERED = this is just so sad and BeccaJ you and everyone of us do matter. When we were first diagnosed I don't think there is one of us who would of thought we would be so hurt by the people we cared about while dealing with BC!

    Thank You to everyone on this website for sharing and caring.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories