I am losing my mom and having a hard time.

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enjohnson
enjohnson Member Posts: 1
edited June 2014 in Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care

My mom was diagnosed in Sept '05 with stage 3b, HER2+. She has chemo, radiation, mastectomy, Herceptin and Tamoxifen. Just this past July, she had a small cough and after the tests,  we found she has mets to liver, lungs and bones, now perhaps her brain.  She is only 47 and I just had my first baby who she adores. He is 10 months old. It breaks my heart each time she holds him and it makes her so happy. He loves her and it klls me that he won't remember her. The doctor orginally told us 6 months, but things have gone so quickly, we haven't had a chance to process it. She is now in palliative care and though the last 2 days she has been a bit better, she is mostly not doing well. We took her in for constant diarrhea and abdominal pain and the bloodwork revealed that her liver is non functional. It is just so hard....my mom is my best friend and I can't imagine this world without her alive. Its so hard to watch her go downhill and though I know what's coming, I can't seem to accept it. I wish we knew a time frame, the doctor said it's "the end of the road", but what does that mean? Seeing her, I can't imagine it can be too much longer. We are trying to get her home again, because I think that's where she wants to be. Its difficult, because her chest cavity repeatedly fills with fluid and needs to be drained. My dad is also ill with a heart condition and he is just devastated. I am so worried for everyone. My little sister is only 20 and had a breast lump checked last week, They sent her for an ultrasound and now they are doing a biopsy. It just seems too much. I know you are never ready to say good bye, but is there something I can do to come to terms with it? It is hard, because Mom still seems to have hope or be in denial. I would never tell her that she's not going to get better, because you just never know, but it feels like we know something that she doesn't. I'm so sorry for rambling, I just need to get this off my chest. Thank you for reading this, you are all so wonderful and inspirational. God bless.

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  • MLMM
    MLMM Member Posts: 18
    edited September 2008

    I am so sorry to hear this. 

    You are in my prayers.  

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  • ADK
    ADK Member Posts: 2,259
    edited September 2008

    {{{HUGS}}}} 

    I can't offer you much else.  I am so sorry you, your Mom and your family are going through this.  I pray you can find the strength to get through, because you and your little sister are going through a really hard time.  I lost my Mom to an illness rather quickly (took ill on Wednesday and died on Friday) and it is so hard.  The shock of realizing that she will no longer be there seems almost unbearable.  There is nothing I can say that can possibly make you feel better and I know that.  I will pray for peace for you and your family.  

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  • slonedeb
    slonedeb Member Posts: 562
    edited October 2008

    johnson sorry about  about your mom i lost my mom to bc and now i am stage 4 with mets to bones liver skull and chest i dont know how long i have but i do know jesus is with me and when he wants me he will call me home and he will call your mom home when he wants her ill pray for your family and just love your mother and try to make her confortable and tell her every minute you love her who knows she may know something we dont jesus may be talking to her love to you and your family and keep your dad close to you during this time heneed you love deb from ky

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  • LuAnnH
    LuAnnH Member Posts: 8,847
    edited September 2008

    There are no words to comfort you and I am so sorry to hear you mom has progressed to such a state.  Take advantage of the rare opportunity you have to tell her how much you love her while she is with you.  I hope she is peaceful and pain free.  God will take her when he is ready and we will never understand the reasoning but know she is comforted by your love.

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  • KLynn
    KLynn Member Posts: 1,407
    edited September 2008

    Enjohnson,

        I'm so very sorry for your mother,  you and your family. I just lost my mother 2 years ago to b/c,(she was only 65 )   it is still very hard to live each day without her. I wish I had some great advice,or answers for you, I truly feel for you. The best you can do is keep her comfortable, I'm sure your son is keeping her happy, and making this time very special to her.I also kept my mother home with me, she was only under hospices care for 2 days, but they helped during that time. I was able to keep her very comforable with the right drugs, and she passed in her sleep.

        I have been fighting this monster for over 8 yrs. now and I am stage 4,  I also have two sons that I think about leaving everyday. They are probably about the same as you and your sister, I can tell you that your mother is always thinking about the two of you. She will fight as long as she can. When it is time to say good bye, just let her know how much you love her, those memories go a long way later on..My prayers are with you and I hope she can enjoy some special time with your beautiful son..She knows there is a heaven and a special place for her every time she looks at the miracle God has sent your family in the face of your baby.. Bless you  KLynn

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  • Daffodil
    Daffodil Member Posts: 829
    edited October 2008

    To a good daughter: Other than keeping your mother as comfortable as possible, spend as much time with her, along with your son, as you possibly can. Talk about all the wonderful times you had together growing up, the special things she did for you, the funny stories that families all have~~~the time she caught you sneaking in late; the dress you begged for and she surprised you with; the things that almost went wrong on your wedding day. Tell her about the plans you have for your life and your hopes for your son. In a roundabout way, if she's in denial, reassure her that you will always be there for your sister and your father.

    Blessings on you all~~~~~~~~

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  • Gitane
    Gitane Member Posts: 1,885
    edited September 2008

    I just want to tell you that you are in my thoughts, my heart, as you go through this terrible pain of losing your mother.  Let her be in denial if she needs to be, right now.  It isn't important.  The end of her life is not the end of her love for you, nor yours for her.  You both know that at a very profound level, and that love is all that is needed.

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  • sandeefeet
    sandeefeet Member Posts: 60
    edited September 2008

    Enjohnson,

    My Mom was diagnosed Dec '05. Mastectomy Jan '06. Diagnosed with bone mets Aug '07 which progressed to lungs, liver, spine, and brain. Jesus took her home with him last Thursday Sept. 18th. Four days before my 40th bday and 5 days before my son's 20th bday. My Mom had moved to WV to be near my Grandmother who is now a 20year BC survivor. We brought my Mom home to FL 3 months ago to live with us.

    I can't tell you how to accept that your Mom may not be here with you physically. I'm still trying to grasp that myself. I can tell you, like the other ladies here have said, tell her you Love her every chance you get, hug her, hold her hand, talk to her about special memories.

    It's a very very difficult time but I really do believe now that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

    My heartfelt prayers are with you, your Mom and your family!!!

    Laurie

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  • konakat
    konakat Member Posts: 6,085
    edited September 2008

    I am so sorry for all your sadness. Maybe your Mom is trying to be strong for you, not to worry you.  Your little boy is probably the greatest joy to your Mom -- that she sees that you have a good life, a lovely baby.  When my father died I got relief by knowing that I had a good talk with him a few days before he died.  Try to hang on to the sight of your Mom with your baby, that she knows her daughter is OK.  I know I'm going to die sooner rather than later, and all I want is my family to be OK.  To know that it is OK that I am going.  Sorry for rambling, but maybe you will find strength in knowing that your Mom is happy with you and the full life you will have.  That she is OK will help ease the sadness a bit.

     I am so sorry for what you're going through right now.  Please be well.

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  • Jo_Ann_K
    Jo_Ann_K Member Posts: 277
    edited September 2008

    Enjohnson,

    I was in your shoes 19 years ago when I was 35 years old and my Mom was dying from breast cancer. While it was painful for me and my young daughters, I knew my Mom would not have to suffer anymore, and that I would take the lessons she taught me to raise my daughters to be the loving, caring people that she so well represented.  I stayed by her side most of the last couple of days and told her how much I loved her and what she meant to me.  At the moment she died, she looked more peaceful than I had seen her in many years.  I knew her death was a blessing.

    Please know we are supporting you in your difficult time and sending hugs your way.  You will get through it and you will grow from it and share all you have learned from your beloved mother with your beautiful family.  That's the promise you can make to her and live up to.

    With warmest regards,

     Jo Ann from Maryland

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  • rvrh
    rvrh Member Posts: 2
    edited September 2008

    i know there's a miracle out there. i've heard many stories when docs say there's no hope and people lived well after that. if you can than please, contact @ 917-753-8618. thanks. it will be helpful to put her name in global healing group. my aunt had stage 2 and she survived.

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