My - grrrrrrr - husband!

I think most husbands go into a denial thing about BC. They think that becaus you go through tx, whatever it is and you get the all clear from the doctor that all is well and you've beaten the disease. Life is good and its time to move on. They  may see sometimes that we struggle with things, memory, stamina or whatever, but they don't really see the implications. they don't know wahte we do about what BC has done to us. They don't live with the fear that it may return. We are cured and we should get on with our life. My husband was with me from the very beginning, from dx through tx and he goes wth me to my folllow ups, but I know, I can sense that he really does not get it. So I smile and say I'm ok and move on, but in my own mind and heart I fear.

I agree - sounds like he's in denial and is somehow able to compartmentalize things. Sometimes I think friends and family just get tired of the whole thing and feel they've said everything they can on the subject.



People keep saying it and it's true - the trick is to figure out how to live with uncertainty. I haven't managed it at all: sometimes I'm convinced I'm doomed and other times I'm sure I'll live for many years and there's nothing really to worry about. It's that middle ground of not knowing I can't seem to hold...



BTW, I used to have perfect spelling and grammar too before all this. Now I make mistakes and words often look strange to me. Plus my handwriting has gotten really messy. Not sure if it's the chemo brain or if I've relaxed my vigilance or couldn't be bothered or what. It's a strange feeling though when good writing has always been part of your identity.



Also, you've been through a lot in the last five years! That's enough to shake anyone up. No wonder you're unnerved.

I thought I was alone in feeling this way, my grammer, spelling, and writing are way worse than they were.  I use to do really well on all these things but it has changed a lot since cancer diagnosis in 2004.  I have had people tell me oh there is no such thing as chemobrain but I know there is.

Not all of us in denial,  I am scared to death of all phases of my wife's BC.  But i still do the laundry, cooked six different meals today trying to find something that does not taste like cardboard wrapped in tin foil, cleaned the kitchen including the oven, vacumed the house, and cut the grass.  And I still know that I have done only part of what my wife was doing every day before IBC came into our lives,  Don't get me wrong, I not that great of a husband, today was trying to catch up on housework so I can play golf tommorow, and do the thing she can't do, escape from cancer for a while.   

As to Chemo brain.;  It shows up in PET/CT scans/ This is quotes from my wife's last one.

"Decreased FDG avidity in the posterior aspect of the brain/cerebellum.  This may be associated with atophy and has been seen in some treatment or ischemia."

may i just say that 1. hooptiedoo, take as much time as you need to get accomplished whatever the heck it is you're doing (on the job and at home)...chemo brain in very much a valid excuse so don't allow anyone to expect perfection from you...2. ibcspouse, would you please teach a seminar about husbands picking up the slack while showing compassion?  i'll sign up my husband as the first student...lol...i know he loves me...but lately i feel he loved me more when i was a size 2-4 with long, curly hair, and a pamela anderson sex drive...it's all gone now, along with his tenderness and willingness to vaccum or fold laundry...

The same has happened to me. I thought it was to much stress at work too, I was making mistakes and I can't spell worth a hoot anymore.

But being home and not under any stress has made no difference.

I have stopped working and been home for some months now due to a cut in hours. To little hours for the amount of gas. Just not worth it. I have no children at home and I have it made cause my husband does everything I do , so it has never all been on me. Even before the BC.

But my mind just won't  wrap around the things it used to. And my friends and family make fun of me at times. I can't seem to get words out that are right on the tip of my tongue. Or I can see something and not be able to say what it is that I see.

It can be downright embarrassing   

And I feel very stupid at times when I'm with people that I didn't know before BC.

I'm glad to know there are others out there, and that I am not alone. Thanks for such a wonderful thread.

I didn't have chemo so I can't comment on that, but I know my hubby has put this all in the past long ago and it has only been three years for me.  He came with me to all my appointments before my surgery, but not once for any followups int he last two years.  As far as he is concerned it is all done.  I have another chronic illness that I have had for about five years.  I take meds for that every day.   I will say that he is good about reminding me to take my meds if I forget, but other than that, he thinks I'm just fine because I take my meds. 

Sometimes our spouses just don't want to talk about it because then it makes it less real.  Also, when I was going through bc, I went for a short time to a therapist and she said that sometimes our spouses have a hard time accepting the fact that they are powerless to help us get better or they couldn't protect us from getting sick in the first place.