My "best friend" dumped me -rant
Sorry ladies, but I need to vent. This girl befriended ME. I own a restaurant and a beach house and didn't she have a great time at both places. She was always nicest to me when she wanted to stay at my house or get a free meal/drinks. Put up with her and her lazy husband and 3 boys who tore my beautiful beach house apart while I cooked, cleaned and provided entertainment and alcohol for them. When I was diagnosed she offered to come up (she lives 3 hours away) the day after my surgical biopsy. She said she would arrive at 10 am, she arrived at 4 pm. She plopped on my couch, and when my husband went out to the store, she asked him to grab her a bottle of chardonnay. She sat and drank while I went to bed very early (6:00 pm) and then proceeded to laugh at the top of her lungs downstairs so I couldn't sleep. Next morning I got up and helped hubby getting the kids to school while she slept in until 930. She came down, drank some coffee and then headed for home. Long story short, they were to arrive for a THIRD trip to our beach house this summer, when my husband's parents were in a terrible car accident. I called her to tell her we needed to cut our trip short (it is well known that we do not let people stay in our house unless we are there) and we would not be there for their scheduled next trip. SHE HAS NOT SPOKEN TO ME SINCE. This is someone who calls me daily, sometimes 2,3,4 even 5 times a day. This was 3 wks ago. Please tell me I am not crazy and that this person is not a good friend. I have been questioning it for a while. I am a good friend and I am so tired of being taken advantage of. Any advice appreciated...
Kimber
sorry, just needed to vent..
Kimber
Comments
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Kimber,
You are too good of a friend to this person. Don't let her take advantage of you. Sounds like she is thinking of only herself. You don't need people like this in your life now. You need to be good to you. My one girlfriend said to me once "When are you going to stop setting yourself up to be kicked in the teeth again." Sure opened up my eyes to some of the people in my life that were not good for me at the time, and may never be good for me. I hope that you can figure this one out. Best of Luck,
Kerry
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Re-read your post as if it were someone else's. Offer---and take---your own advice. Be glad she's 3 hours away. It should be easy to let this "friendship" lapse. You need no more toxins in your life!
Good luck........................
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Thanks ladies. You are right, she is not a friend and I do need to eliminate toxins. I guess I am mad at myself for letting them take such advantage of me. I don't need this stress on top of the constant monitoring for LCIS. Yes, I am glad she is 3 hours away....no running into her at the grocery store!!
Thanks again for listening!
Kimber
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Kimber ~
When one is diagnosed...it puts major priorities in your life.
I had a "friend" similar to yours...though she was so fun to be around...not a care in the world but her faults were putting herself first even before her children.
When I was dx ...it just made me want to be with the ones I love even closer and the ones who had many faults further away. I was friends w/ her close to 18 YEARS...once I was dx I heard from her ONCE that was it. Like you I used to hear from her everyday!
Innitially it really really bothered me...not only anger but hurt and shock. Then, I have those friends that I NEVER want to be w/out and I surround myself w/ my family and them.
In the end, it was the BEST thing I have ever done for MYSELF. It does not bother me the least bit anymore....who needs that anyway!? Focus on yourself...don't be bitter or angry that doesn't get you anywhere...you will see your even a happier person.
As you mentioned, I hope I never "run into her" my husband has - and pretty much cut it short w/ her.
This too shall pass...you will find your "better off" PRIORITIZE your life ...and think of YOU for a change!
Much LUV and gentle hugs!
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Kimber.....You are not crazy...I'm on my way to work, so can't elaborate, but I have been through the same thing with a good friend....Different circumstances, and different situation, but the same end.
It hurts......I went into a real depression after this had happened with the same person the second time.....So.....Go easy on yourself......This person doesn't deserve a friend like you. You were a good friend to her....She was crass, lazy, and rude.
Sandy
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I'm sorry, Kimber. I have one word for you about her...USER. She used your "friendship" to get a free vacation or two, and when you needed to change HER plans due to a family emergency, she moved on.
Good riddance, is my final word on people like that.
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Great advice! Keep it coming! You all are really boosting me up! NancyD - that is exactly what my husband called her (and has for years.....) I do not like to lose friends, but I definitely am finding myself happier without her constantly hunting me down wherever I am so I can hear about her day. Oh by the way, I guess I shouldn't use the word friend when referring to her!
Thanks so much to you all for making me feel not alone and not crazy.
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You know, as annoying as the "hunt down" is, you can accept and live with it from a real friend. I have a friend who does that...makes me want to throw my cell phone in the river, sometimes, LOL. But she's as generous as anyone can be, the exact opposite of your "friend", so I figure I can give my time listening to her day's activities.
Don't spend another minute worrying about this "friend" and the loss of the friendship. There's no reason she should have more rent-free time in your head.
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This person probably does not consider herself as using you. She probably genuinely cares for you - but she is selfish and is not there for you when it counts. Focus on those who will help you through this ordeal and keep her at a distance.
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Kimber, when you get diagnosed with a serious illness, it is God's way of separating the men from the boys. I had a similar situation, but truth is, I pruned my friendship tree and got rid of some dead wood. They are good people in their own right, but not good for me. Do not feel guilty. Just look at the facts and you will find solace in making the right decision for you and your family. I look at it this way, you have a team, so you want people on your team that are with you in good times and bad times. Ask yourself what you would have done if the shoe was on the other foot. I know for me that I would have been on her doorstep with food and offering my services of cooking or cleaning or taking care of the kids. It is now time to be a little selfish. Maryiz
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I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You sound like a nice person. We have to be careful of the "energy vampires" in our lives, especially now that we are battling cancer. Take care of yourself.
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Kimber you are better off without this leech. I hope if she DOES call you, you'll be cool and distant. Guard your heart carefully from now on - don't let it become someone else's doormat.
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Again, thank you all so much! The support here is so wonderful - it is like nothing I get "in person". People are so strange to me! It would never occur to me not to be right there when a friend needed me - even someone I hardly know! I was not raised that way. Through this journey I have met many new friends and I now know that I need to "prune my friendship tree" as Maryiz put it. It amazes me that after 11 years of "you are my best friend, you are my best friend Kimber" that someone can just turn it off because I SLIGHTLY inconvenienced them. So sorry my in-laws got into a car accident! Oh and by the way, I forgot to mention, right before the car accident, my father in law had just found out that his melanoma may have returned. Thankfully, it has not, it is "only" a squamas (sp?) cell.
Anyway, thank you for reinforcing my belief that I am a good person and a good friend and this person does not deserve me. My husband has been telling me that for years....
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Good for you Kimber! Clean house of user friends. I have done that a few times and although it hurts, it was the best thing that could have happened.
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Be relieved that she is not talking to you consider it the best thing she could ever do for you.
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Kimber,
I'm sorry it took so long for you to lose the loser. I'm sure she has her qualities, but she's not friend material. You deserve more respect and support. After my diagnosis my small cluster of friends has been extraordinary. I've never been one to carry deadwood. Life's too short to hang with people who bail when the going gets tough.
I hope your in-laws are okay. Take care of yourself.
Carol(AZ)
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You may absolutely be correct that she is just using you...on the other hand, there may be something big going on in her life right now, that happened coincidentally with your news. We all know how the unexpected happens. I just think there must have been some really good times, for you to have been friends for so long.
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Not a friend! just a leech and loser user. You are better off without her kind of help. You will find during this diagnosis who your real friends are and aren't. Praying for you in-laws and you. God bless. Let us know how you are. Sherry
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I have a hard time believing this has anything to do with my diagnosis. I have a feeling it has to do with her having to change her plans, plain and simple. This has been a long time coming. I have put up with rude comments and she and her husband taking advantage of us all of these years. Never once did they do anything for us. One time they invited us to go to a major league baseball game and asked for money for the tickets! Wonder why it never occurred to me this girl has no other friends but me? I pride myself on being a good friend, but this one has gone too far.
I saw my surgeon today. He ordered an MRI for November. All I can do is keep myself healthy and take care of my family. I honestly can't be bothered with this silliness.
Thanks to you all for listening and for chiming in. I SO appreciate it!!
Kimber
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Oh and by the way, if there were something big going on in her life, I would be the first one to hear about it - incessantly.
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....wait what is her name.....maybe she was "our" friend too! LOL LOL.....!!!! ( JUST KIDDING on the name...but)
We were invited to a BBQ and she delegated for everyone to bring a dish ( which was fine!) but then she had the audacity to try and SELL her left over hot dogs!!! Another, she gave us coupons for an amazement park but wanted whatever money she "saved us" we said....no thanks give it to someone who needs it! My word some people are just tacky!
Your right...it has nothing to do w/ you...its ALL about her.
Good riddance
BEST of LUCK in November....thats when my MRI is too...lets pray it will be a better year for all!
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"Wonder why it never occurred to me this girl has no other friends but me? I pride myself on being a good friend, but this one has gone too far. "
I think you are a wonderful, generous person, and I think this person has taken advantage of you. I also have had a long friendship with a woman, then finally, after decades, found out the relationship was really about THEM, and didn't really include me. Healthy relationships are about BOTH people, and are give-and-take.
Good for you for realizing what was going on with this 'friend'. You don't need any additional stress in your life.
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It has been 5 wks since this "friend" dropped out of my life and I have to say HAVE I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT MYSELF. I've learned that I don't say "no" to anybody. I've learned that I am a people pleaser. I have also learned that I still have girlfriends I have known since I was born, and even though we don't talk every day, we are always there for each other no matter what. I've learned that if you finally accept that ride and an offer of support to your mammogram, isn't it wonderful how that friend had 4 more friends waiting for you in a restaurant for lunch to celebrate the fact that my mammo was clear. How refreshing for me - the one who is always there for everybody else and never accepts anything from anybody. Never wanted that kind of "attention".
I think this person didn't want me to have other friends, and had to call me all the time to ensure she filled up all of my time and nobody else could. Her husband warned a very good friend of mine "they're BEST friends, and there is no room for anyone else". Hmmmmm -
Anyway, thanks to you all for your wonderful words and support. I'm assuming at this point, I will never hear from her. Her youngest child (6) is my Godson.....
Kimber
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You have been very brave about learning things about yourself. Not everyone is brave enough to look at how they handle things.
How wonderful to find your true friends.
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Thanks leaf! It is very refreshing and liberating!
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Hi. I just read this and feel bad for you. This girl definately has taken advantage of you and your family. Leave her out of your life forever. We don't need people like this especially when you're going through cancer.
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Thanks boyzbeebs,
This all went down around the 17th of August, it is now the 19th of October. Not one word, phone call, note, email, nothing..... But I have found that I am so much happier without this person in my life! I am actually relieved! I forgot to mention that when she came to my house after my biopsy, she brought me a "present". It was a mega pack of paper towels with a pink ribbon on the wrapper! Thanks "friend"!!!
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There's not much compassion being shown by your friend, if any at all. If that is a picture of your dog, you can be sure you have a friend there. Good you are relieved, you don't need any added stress.
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Gad, Kimber. Do you think the paper towels were so that you could 'clean up after her'? I have trouble trying to guess how she thinks. She certainly has trouble thinking of anyone but herself. I think with that kind of person, you just have to set limits, which is what you did.
Good for you for making such a clean break.
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Dear Kimber, I to like you have learned during bc that there are friends and family who only want to be in your life when you are helping them with theirs. Have you read the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud? It has really helped me with my boundaries. My onc doc told me I had to stop helping everyone else and start concentration on myself. I laugh and cut up and put on a brave front for everyone, but truth is I kept so busy helping everyone else and doing so many church activities that I never took the time to grieve. It was my fault that no one was helping me get thru, why should they I seemed fine on the outside, did not need anyone's help and was tough. I am now rethinking all of this, I would not cry because I was afraid God would be mad at me cos he has blessed me so much. I'm coming out, living for myself and my husband and son and for God. My dear friends who have helped me thru will now hear the truth of how I am doing, not a version to make them at ease and comfortable. I will no longer hide my feelings behind my laughter, I will say I need a friend, I need support, I need prayer. Thanks for sharing your feelings, it made me want to share mine. God Bless You! Blessed
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