Bit of a meltdown.

OK girls its happened to me, I just hit the skids.

Very long story short, just everything seems to have come down on me this last week.

I am having much trouble trying to just do normal things with the bad pain under and down my 'bad' side arm, it has just never let up in 5 years, and no-one seems to be able to give me any pain relief that works much at all. My arm just feels like a big heavy 'lump' of pain, hung on my side. I also have Fibromyalgia, which is also pretty constant, just niggling away in the background, and at the least sign of any stress it flares up. Add to this 2 hands with Carpal Tunnel, and 2 feet with Plantar fasiitis, and I don't feel great.

2 weeks ago I had to be just about carried into my dr's, I had slipped a disc. Against her advice I have been trying to rest it up.(I was advised to keep on moving, but the pain is so bad when I move I just say 'to hell with dr's advice' and go and lay on my bed.)

As you will all be feeling the pinch with petrol, our petrol is about $9 a gallon, to fill my car up, its a 3.5 sports car, is costing me $140 a week. We also run 2 other vehicles, nearly the same running costs as me. My yearly road tax has jumped up from $200 to $850, in our goverments drive to get big cars off the road. (There is talk of them slapping a bill on us for the extra $650 for each of the last 3 years, when I bought the car new.)

Our central heating fuel was thru the roof last year, costing us about $5000, this year, it looks as if it will be double. Our electric has just gone up this week 30%, after a rise some months ago of 20%, and I am very hard on electric, mainly washing and drying, and switching the odd spot heater on if it comes cold...I am a softie !

We have had a big discussion, no... a BIG row,  and of course its MY fault. I use all the electric, no-one else gets their clothes washed and dried, no-one else has the pots washed in the dishwasher, no-one else switches on a kettle, microwave or uses hot water for 2 showers a day, but me !!!

I am suffering big time with Arimidex hands and feet, and various assorted pains from that.

Two days ago, a friend of mine was riding her horse, the horse trod on a live wire, and was electrocuted and killed under her, my friend is in intensive care.

Last night DD rang in a frenzy . G/son has been arrested, yet again, for road rage, and leaving the scene of an accident, having run over the other drivers leg and, ripped his car door off. He is still in the police cells.The little s*d needs to stay there in my opinion, for months to cool him off ! He is 19, and needs taking off the road, but DD thinks it is always the other person that is the trouble. I am so fed up of these 'phone calls about this particular G/son, but DD has to talk to some-one.

We have decided, after a week of arguments, to shut down half of the house as soon as it gets too cold to use the rooms. I am to lose my conservatory in this shut down, which is a place I spend an awful lot of time in, it is so light and comfy, my birds are in there, so they have to move as well. We have decided to wear some extra clothing, shut down the central heating, use the log burner ( which I love, but which, mysteriously, no-one else knows how to fetch in the logs for , load it, and clean it out !!!) Fetching in the logs is very hard on my arm, if I ask for help, just 2 baskets of logs a day, I am accused of constantly nagging....WHY can't DH just get into his head that logs NEED to be fetched from the log pile, about 50yds from the house each day, and not look as if he has won the lottery if he manages 1 basket without being asked.   I let it go out last night, about 7pm, on purpose, pretending not to notice the log baskets were empty. I was met with the screaming ab dabs for letting the house get cold 'just as the news was coming on' !!!!!!!!!! 

I have been considering striking out on my own, having no-one else to consider but me, and getting some peace and quiet. DD is up in arms, telling me it will simmer down, but it DOES, but only for a day or so. I get upset, he helps out for a couple of days, then he forgets, and I am left with all the hard work again.

This week I have just been sat around crying, and feeling sorry for myself. I am not involving Dr she always sees me at my best, I don't think she believes what pain my arm is causing me.  I am going out this afternoon, and I am going to spend, spend spend !! I want some new clothes. I do not need any new clothes. But I will get some !!

Put all this lot together with the constant thoughts in your head, that I know you all must have, and its been a bad week to say the least. I stand up. and look normal, therefor its all forgotten, and all is well !!!! After all its 5 years ago, so why am I causing such a fuss. No-one can understand what goes on post bc.....even those closest to you....and they are the ones who should.

I am here just waiting for the next 'phone call telling me something else has happened. My horse friend is in a coma, so no good trying to see her, my G/son is in the police cells, all this has happened in 48 hours, and I am sure there will be more. I just want to get away from all these problems, and breath. Possibly I may s*d off in my car for 2/3 days, just drive and stay where I land, leave DH with all the jobs. I have been threatening this for months, and I think I will set out in a day or so now. I love to drive, and its something I still can do without any pain, its a relaxing position, and I can drive 3/4 hours without cramping up,........another of my problems !!

Right, I am going to let my dogs out and try and walk them, which'll mean I let them into the field, lean on the stile, and they go rooting around 'til I call them back. It has stopped raining at the moment, we have had horrendous rain all week, thunder and lightening last night, but there is a break in the clouds right now, so I am off to make the most of it.

Isabella.