How is family responding?

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calmmcfarland
calmmcfarland Member Posts: 9
edited June 2014 in LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)

Ok. . .so this has been a really crappy couple of years.  My husband died, leaving me to raise our 2 very young children.  A few months ago found a lump, everyone thought it was nothing but just wanted to be sure. . .turns out to be LCIS.  My children obviously do not know that I have been diagnosed with LCIS and I will do my best to keep it that way.  Seriously. . .could this be caused by stress?  I was a stay at home mom when he passed away.  I was suddenly supposed to grieve, be strong for the kids, become a single parent, go back to work. . .I would say this is totally caused by stress!

Anyway, I had been seeing someone new for about 10 months and he loves and adores my children.  He is from a huge family and wants a huge family of his own.  But, since I was diagnosed he has been a little weird.  My dr told me that I would not be able to get preggies while on the anti-hormore treatment and once the 5 years are up, I will be 42.  Not too interested in having a baby at 42.  Now the BF is unsure of a future with me because he really wants kids.  I guess I can understand that but it totally sucks that he would want to break up with me over something I can't control.  It's not like I am saying no just because, I have a pretty valid medical reason!  But on the other side I don't want someone to stay with my just because of this, out of guilt.  Who wants to be known as the guy who dumped his girlfriend when she gets diagnosed with CANCER!

I have had people come out of the woodwork offering to help me and be there for me.  Which I feel guilty about because I feel fine and I will be fine!  But the one person really special backs away from me.  That feels really bad!  Should I be mad?  I don't know how I would respond if the situation was reversed. . I would hope better, but you never know.  Should I be glad that we never got married. . .he couldn't handle the "in sickness" part?  I don't know. . . .Anyone have anything similar?

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  • CAZ
    CAZ Member Posts: 678
    edited September 2008

    Dearest calmmcfarland,

    Your situation completely sucks.  I am so sorry you've had to go through any part of it.  Obviously, I can't judge someone I don't know.  However, it seems to me that if you love someone, you love THEM and not the potential humans they may produce for you.  That may be a little unfair because I've never wanted kids, and just don't get the allure.  I hope you can find happiness and peace in the middle of your $hit$torm.  Take care of yourself.

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  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited August 2008

     I agree with CAZ completely.

    If I were in your shoes (and I clearly am not), if you plan on making the relationship permanent, I'd strongly consider some counseling before you made the relationship permanent.  At minimum, it sounds like you have different expectations from a relationship than he does.   I'd certainly expect that the people in a  healthy relationship would want each other first.

    Its possible that he may not understand your situation, and/or it is frightening to him, and he reacts to the situation by withdrawing.  But before making lasting commitments involving children, I'd want that to be straightened out.  I'd really want to know where his priorities lie.

    What a difficult situation! I'm so sorry it has happened to you. Take as much time as you need until you find what is right for YOU.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited September 2008

    I would agree----a little counseling can go a long way.  Perhaps they could even approach the subject of adoption, if you didn't feel comfortable about having children past the age of 42. I was 46 at diagnosis of LCIS and done having kids and the decisions were hard enough.  I can empathize with the additional decisions/ issues you are facing.

    Anne

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  • calmmcfarland
    calmmcfarland Member Posts: 9
    edited September 2008

    Gosh that felt good. . .just to get it off my chest!  Then to have other people read and care!  We have decided to break up!  He just couldn't handle the no kids thing!

    CAZ -  I have actually really thought about alot about what you said about loving me and not the potential humans I can make.  Why should I feel bad about a guy that obviously didn't love me because he didn't want to be with me when I couldn't have kids.  I mean . .come on! 

    I should be glad that this happened. . .but it makes it so much harder when he was so amazing with my children and really helping them when their dad died.  You know, as a mom you put all of your needs aside and try to do what is best for them.  That part of it made it so much harder.

    Thanks for listening and responding.  It has felt really good!

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  • CAZ
    CAZ Member Posts: 678
    edited September 2008

    calmmcfarland,

    Sorry about the breakup, but he was unable to support you emotionally when you needed him most.  That is not a good basis for a relationship.  I was terrified to tell my DH that I decided to have a double mastectomy.  I know he loves me, but he's extremely squeamish.  I didn't know if he could look at me the same way.  Now I'm ashamed that I didn't give him enough credit.  He's been a rock. 

    I hope you find your rock soon, but in the meantime, take care of yourself.  You're more than just a uterus.  His loss!

    Carol(AZ)

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