More than sad

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harvey
harvey Member Posts: 103
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer

History

I'm over two years past dx. Had a lumpectomy , chemo A/C x6 and rads 15 big dozes. The tumour was a grade 3 stage 3.

My hubby drove me to all my appointments - and let me choose what to cook for tea after each hospital visit.

After all the treatments were finished I was given a holiday by a cancer charity. The holiday was at a main resort - 5 star and apart from staff no one would know we weren't ordinary holiday makers. All we would pay was for 3 dinner meals and any alcohol we drank.

Hubby took me to get my passport and organised it getting renewed, he also brought home a brochure of the holidays on offer. Then he manipulated me into cancelling the holiday.

Turns out he did not  want  to go on the holiday - not his cup of tea. During our discussion it came out that although he had taken me to the hospital, he didn't want to know about me being ill. This hasn't changed - since then I have had a small stroke - and developed a heart condition, he has told me he isn't interested it is my problem - not his.

We are now what I would call semi divorced, we share the same roof, not the same bed, get on reasonable well, we even eat together. Hubby  walks my dog when I am at work and I was able to give up my car and use his. He no longer works due to his own health problems.

So why am I so upset?

I've arranged for new floor covering to be laid next week. The spare bedroom will have to be emptied. Now there's not much in it, a guest bed and a display cabinet  - and joking I said it could all go into my room and I would sleep beside him.

You have never ever seen such a look of revulsion and loathing on another persons face. He reared back and stepped away from me - as he exclaimed no. He smiled and remarked no need to go that far - I can sleep at our sons house - no need for you to move out your room - he just kept walking away.

I know our marriage is over - it died the day I came home and said I have cancer. He could never bare to touch me . I just never knew it had rotted too. I guess I had always hoped that as my health improved and I worked to keep the roof over our heads things would mend.

I'm more than sad - I realised he no longer found me attractive - I never knew he found me revolting and it hurts.

Harvey

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2008

    Harvey...What are the chances that he has a sexual performance problem? It just sounds to me like he has issues beyond "just" being put off by your illnesses. His reaction(s) sound way too extreme to me, as though he's overcompensating for something.

    Of course, no matter what the cause, I know it hurts awfully. As if you haven't been through enough crap already, right? Maybe there's someone you can talk to about it all, venting your feelings and getting some relief and maybe even some guidance. This is a tough journey to go alone, as many of us know.

    So hang in there, hon. Time will pass and you will make changes. Try to set some challenging and fulfilling goals for yourself. If you need to move out of this marriage, you should try to make your next place in life as self-supporting and enriching as possible. This disease has helped many of us to realize that we live our lives not to please others, but to actualize OURSELVES!

    ~Marin

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2008

    Harvey: I am so sorry to hear about this. I think Marin is right - he probably has some issue he is afraid to share. Hugs and prayers that you will resolve this somehow and move forward.

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  • MLMM
    MLMM Member Posts: 18
    edited August 2008

    Oh Harvey,

    I am so sorry to hear this. It hurts reading it. You deserve so much more. My thoughts are with you. I agree with Marin. Can you access counseling services?  

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  • harvey
    harvey Member Posts: 103
    edited August 2008

    Thanks for listening. Just getting off my chest helps.

     I have tried counsilling just after I finished treatment, I only went twice and I found out all about the counsers problems. She had gone ito it because she had an unhappy childhood and a broken marriage. I felt she needed some one more than I did.

    I'm dithering about ending this because of my children - all grown ups. They would see it as me deserting their sick father. He had 2 strokes 2005 and gave up work to live on his army pension. He is selfe caring drives and is a great favourite with the elderly ladies about us - as he helps with their gardens.

    I can work full time - shift work as a care worker - so I should take care of him too.They dont see how tired I am - that I do this because I have too. But if my children turned their backs on me - well it would be the end of my world.

    I feel like the grand old duke of your - he never got anywhere ither.

    Harvey

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  • dalycity
    dalycity Member Posts: 248
    edited August 2008

    Dear Harvey:  I am so sorry about this.  When I read your posting, my first thought was same as MLMM, marriage counseling. It is so unfair that you have to deal with this after dealing with cancer. Please take care.

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  • LoriFL
    LoriFL Member Posts: 1,557
    edited August 2008

    I think it is time to more on with YOUR life! You overcame cancer, now you can overcome adversity in your marriage!

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  • Sierra
    Sierra Member Posts: 1,638
    edited August 2008

    Hi:

    Very sorry to read this indeed

    and I tend to agree with Lori here

    it wont be the end, and your children will find out the truth

    as it surfaces..

    You take care of Yourself now

    It is your turn

    Hugs, Sierra

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  • LUVmy2girlZ
    LUVmy2girlZ Member Posts: 2,394
    edited August 2008

    Harvey ~

    Communication is key...without it there isn't much.  Have you tried sitting down and asking him why he is pulling away ?  Perhaps he is afraid of loosing you ?  Or perhaps he himself is "loosing it." 

    Life threatening/altering diseases are extremely hard to take...one can be so so supportive and  solidifies just the foundation you've built.  However, you aren't the first to experience their spouses "lack of support" some are down right jealous over the "attention" they are no longer getting, or going through some type of change themselves.  Either one is selfish and unhealthy.  

    As far as your children turning their backs..how could they no matter the outcome.  You are their MOTHER!  You have fought a serious battle and there are bound to be wounds....be patient with yourself and remember stress isn't good either.  Take care and worry about yourself for a change.

    "This too shall pass"  I wish you the best!

    Much LUV

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  • lexi4
    lexi4 Member Posts: 1,074
    edited August 2008

    Sending you big hugs Harvery. I don't have much advice to offer, but you are precious and deserve to be loved.

    Hugs and Prayers,

    Lexi

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  • iodine
    iodine Member Posts: 4,289
    edited August 2008

    My heart goes out to you, my Dear.  I wonder if your kids, who don't seem to be helping much at all, by the way, could be advised of your situation, if only letting them read a copy of what you have written.

    It would seem that your husband is not all that bad off if he is so helpful in other's gardens.  Money is also a part of this I would guess.  Not sure where the part comes in that you should care for him as well as your full time job outside the home.  Letting you choose what's for tea and driving you to treatment just doesn't doesn't do it for me.  You deserver a great deal MORE>

    But you have been thru hell already, why should you stay there?  If anyone need counseling, he does.  and if your children act the way you fear, so do they.

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  • althea
    althea Member Posts: 1,595
    edited August 2008

    I know exactly what kind of hurt you are feeling harvey.  With a lot of therapy I came to realize I had chosen a husband who was emotionally unavailable because that was the climate in my family as I grew up.  He is very talented as a gardener also, which makes it all the worse.  To see him be so attentive to the needs of plants, tending to their needs, while the marriage is dying a slow agonizing death stemming from neglect.  I remember one time he literally recoiled when I touched him on the knee while we watched tv.  Broken bones heal faster and hurt far less than the kind of pain born from emotional absence. I had an epiphany one day.  I imagined for a moment, what would happen if I were sick or injured and dependent on him.  Clear as day, I saw myself upstairs in bed, dying of thirst, while he's outside running up a big water bill for the garden.  

    People often cite 'til death do us part' as a reason to stay in a marriage.  I humbly submit that the marriage itself has a life, and if it has died, there is no obligation to carry around a corpse just to prove that you are committed to the sanctity of marriage.  You could try some counselling to see if there's anything left to revive, but if not, I strongly encourage you to examine your options, including a life without him.  By the time I divorced my husband we had been 'married' almost 16 years.  I was celibate for a solid 2/3's of it, not by my choice.  At first, I thought, oh, I can cope.  It wasn't until I had stayed for a very long time that I realized how every last bit of resource was draining away from me.  It happens slowly, imperceptibly, insidiously.  By the time I realized it, my life force was a barely glowing ember.  I divorced his sorry ass.  I managed to preserve my retirement account during the divorce, only to get dx'd with bc a year later, and now that's gone too.  I am still struggling, and it's 4 years since my divorce and 3 years since my diagnosis.  

    It's not my intent to hijack your thread and make it about me.  I'm just sharing my own experience and asking you to consider that you not settle for less than what a marriage should be.  I stayed too long.  Way too long.  I was very alone.  My marriage had died and I tried to pretend that it hadn't.  Live and learn.  I humbly suggest that the appropriate thing to do with something that has died is to bury it.  I am so sorry for your loss.   

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  • FEB
    FEB Member Posts: 552
    edited August 2008

    Harvey and Althea, I really feel for you both. It is poisoning to live with such unhappiness. I just wanted to say that  I hope you both will be able to move on and find joy again. No man is worth being miserable over. There is so much more in this world that can fill the void and I hope that you will find it. You have beaten cancer, not just the kind that is diagnosed, but also the kind that grows in a broken heart. You have made a big step by moving on, and I truly hope you can continue on that path to health and happiness. You are not alone. You will be walking with thousands of sisters who are walking with you. Girl Power to the nth!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2008

    I don't have any advice, but just wanted to give you a hug-- *big hug*

    Miss S

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  • pip57
    pip57 Member Posts: 12,401
    edited August 2008

    When my dad had a couple of strokes we discovered that he had had many that we were unaware of.  The ct of his brain lit up like a Christmas tree.  We had been noticing subtle changes in his behavior and the docs all agreed that it was probably due to these strokes.  Looking back, I am quite sure that a lot of things he did and said the last few years were not really him.

    However, it doesn't make living with your hubby any easier.  Just try to remind yourself that his reactions may be part of his illness and are in no way a reflection of who you are.  

    Have you discussed this with your kids?  I don't know what my mom would have done if she had been on her own. 

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  • sbmolee
    sbmolee Member Posts: 1,085
    edited September 2008

    So sorry.  Lots of HUGS to you.

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  • SuzCA
    SuzCA Member Posts: 118
    edited September 2008

    I'm so sorry that your husband is behaving so badly.   When you mentioned the strokes that he has had, it made more sense. I have heard quite a few stories about personality changes after strokes, unfortunately all for the worse. Some people become argumentative, combative, even violent after a few strokes.  I have a co-worker whose mother left his father after a couple of stokes. My co-worker took him in and cared for him until he died ten years later. It sounded heartless from the outside, but he became impossible to live with. She never divorced him though. Your hubby may be scared silly that you will die on him and he's very angry about that since he is quite vulnerable.  It is easier for him to be distant and angry rather than scared and weak.     

     Howver, what your hubby is doing to you is beyond mean. My own dh is not the most supportive, but I have chalked it up to him being scared.  He wants me to be strong and gets angry, distant and disrespectful when I'm down.  Please try another counselor.  Other than that, please know that there are many of us walking in spirit beside you and that you are not alone.    

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  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited September 2008

    The character of person shows through when we go through "in sickness and in health". Shame on your husband. Seriously, as much as it hurts, he doesn't deserve you. Shame on him.

    My first dh was a complete selfish a-hole. I thank my lucky stars that I was not married to him when I was dx. Now that I have mets, that blessing is two-fold.

    Fill your life with those who love you and care about you. The rest can go fly a kite.

    Janis

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited September 2008

    Aw Harvey...that really sucks.  It never ceases to amaze me how callous and hurtful people (read = men) can be; it's not that we want special treatment as bc survivors BUT a little bit of compassion goes a long way.

    I second what Fitz says - shame on him.  Life is too short to waste time on people who give nothing back.

    Hugs

    Peggy 

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  • harvey
    harvey Member Posts: 103
    edited September 2008

    Firstly thank you all for your support and advice. I have tried speaking to my daughter - not really able to let her know everything. She already knows that her father had me cancel the holiday but sees that it wasn't his thing.

     She also reminded me that he has always been a bit distant  with his children and probably sees me a needy instead of strong.

    I' asking to much of him now - and he doesn't mean to be hurtful just his way.

    I know he realises what he did - I came home from early shift and found the sitting room really clean and a nice meal cooking - plus he bought wine for my friend and I to share . I feel bad because I don't appreciate this - I don't know what I want but its not him playing happy homes.

    I've thought a lot about what I'm going to do and I'm staying put. At over 60 and getting tired , staying seems to be my best bet.

    I get to keep my dog, He is a live time wish - I got him when I really believed I couldn't beat the cancer.

    I love my house, its want I wanted right down to the picket fence and flowers at the door. Also my daughter and grandchildren live near by.

    Should I leave I could only afford a room or a small flat and O'Reilly would have to be re housed.  

    So I'll settle for being sharing a house at the moment. If I could stop caring I would but I'll never ask him for anything again and will expect no help from him.

    Thank all for listening and especially for the hugs.

    If bread feeds the body hugs feed the soul.

    Harvey

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited September 2008

    Your story makes me sad too. We don't get to always choose our lumps in life. They say the hardest things on a marriage are illness and finances. I am sad for you that after what you've been through your golden years won't be the way you hoped for. You deserve better than that. I'm sending you a hug too. (((((HUGS))))) Viv

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