Mom just diagnosed: Advice?

Roadmistress

My beautiful mother was just diagnosed this week with BC.  I haven't yet talked to the doctors, all I know is that the lump IS cancerous, and its just over 3 inches in diameter.  I want to be helpful to my mother, not just by taking to appointments and caring for her after the surgery, but emotionally as well.  Does anyone out there have thoughts about HOW I can do this?  Is there anything you wanted your family to do for you?  Anything I shouldn't say?? 

Or anything else that I may not be thinking of?

shorfi

It would be helpful to your mother if you allowed her NOT to feel the need to be "strong" for YOU. It's only natural because I am a mother too. During the time when I was diagnosed I had to be strong for everyone, my son, mother, two sisters and a brother, along with numerous friends. I remember not liking that and wanted to be able to cry if I needed too. But I was so consumed with being this strong and brave person that everybody said I was...and it was tiresome. I was able to unleash a lot of emotions through prayer AND was able to cope too because I was prescribed anti-depressants.

It's okay to let your mother know how you feel, but, since you asked for thoughts on this...you being there for her emotionally is more important. Let her vent, cry, be angry if she wants, and it's okay to cry with her too. Believe me, she will remember that and appreciate it more than you will ever know

Take care and will be thinking of you and your mom. 

NatureGrrl

Be yourself.  Do what feels natural and right for you at that moment.  The best thing I got during treatment was hugs.  Never too many of those!   Ask how I'm doing -- and be willing to listen to the honest answer.  You don't have to understand everything she's going through but listening and letting her know you care are huge.  Don't minimize her feelings by telling her to be positive, etc. -- give her room to have whatever feelings she's having.

On a practical level, be prepared to be her advocate if she'll let you.  Keep track of all her meds, side effects, treatments, appointments, doctors, follow-ups scheduled for the future (I had muga scans every 3 months and although my doctor always caught those and got them scheduled, sometimes things like that get "lost.").  Be prepared to step up for her when she's feeling too tired or ill to speak up for herself -- call the dr's office if SE's seem out of control, etc.  As women we tend to downplay our own illness and feelings but it's important to keep the doctor informed, and there's no need for her to have to suffer -- most SE's can be at least partially controlled.

Do the ordinary, every day things, too, that aren't cancer-related.  Laugh a lot, and when she doesn't feel like laughing, just hold her hand and be there.  I know my first instinct is to want to run in and "fix" things but sometimes we can't -- and it's really really hard to feel so helpless in the face of something so awful. But remember that everything you do -- no matter how little or ordinary it may seem to you -- means more to her than you can ever realize.  It matters.  You matter.

Don't be afraid to tell her how *you're* feeling if it seems appropriate.  It's OK for her to not be strong, and OK for you to not be strong!  I know people didn't always want to tell me they were concerned or scared for me but those honest and open talks got rid of the elephant in the room, allowed me to see how much they cared, and brought me closer to people.

***Don't forget to take care of yourself while you're taking care of your mom.***  If you don't do that, you won't be there for her the way you want to be.  It's not selfish, it's healthy on many levels.

Hang in there.  Cry when you need to cry.  Find a shoulder to lean on. You're stronger than you think -- which doesn't mean you don't feel like crumbling -- but it does mean you'll get through this.  So will your mom.  It's hard, and it stinks, and it's overwhelming, and the emotions will put you on a roller coaster, but you'll all get through it....

Just stay open and keep loving her and the rest will come naturally.  It's all there inside you, so trust yourself.  The rest will follow.

my best and a warm hug....

BrittaA

Dear Roadmistress, I understand what you are going through. I am a cancer survivor and my father battled cancer for 8 years before passing in 2007. This disease was very tough on our family and we had very little resources and information. After my father passed I started a blog, www.cincovidas.com, that helps cancer fighters and their families learn how to deal with caring for their loved one and what to expect. I did a post that deals with how to be supportive to your loved one http://blog.cincovidas.com/your-loved-one-just-got-the-news—cancer-how-can-you-help and one that deals with how to avoid burn out as you are caring for your mother http://blog.cincovidas.com/caring-for-a-cancer-fighter-six-tips-to-help-you-avoid-burnout-and-stay-healthy . Also, cancercompass.com is a great forum to find other caregivers and cancer fighters to talk to online. I hope these help. Love, strength and survival, Britta

EstherMSKCC

Dear Roadmistress,

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's diagnosis. I'm an employee of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center and came across your post asking for advice on how to offer your mom the emotional and practical support she needs to get her through diagnosis and treatment.

The National Cancer Institute offers a great overview on how caregivers and family members can help cancer patients cope during their journey. Here is the link: http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/redir.aspx?C=74ac3acc16284dee9d26751a216cc4cd&URL=http%3a%2f%2fwww.cancer.gov%2fcancertopics%2fcoping%2ffamilyfriends.

The American Cancer Society also offers information on how to cope as a caregiver: http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/redir.aspx?C=74ac3acc16284dee9d26751a216cc4cd&URL=http%3a%2f%2fwww.cancer.org%2fdocroot%2fHOME%2fcgv%2fcgv_0.asp

And CancerCare is another good resource that offers information, counseling, and support groups for caregivers of patients with cancer:  http://www.cancercare.org/get_help/special_progs/caregivers.php

I hope this information is useful and I wish you the best of luck as you help your mother through this difficult time.

-Esther 

angela21

I know right now you are hurting inside, I've been in that situation when my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer luckily she survived and I thank God for giving us a second chance. You have be strong and avoid crying in front of her. Show her how much you love her and you are willing to do anything for her recovery. Be positive and don't show your weak side.

thesuiteshoppe

I'm so sorry Roadmistress.  I think though that you expressed yourself beautifully in your post.  Tell your mother just what you said to us.  Ask her how you can be there for her emotionally, and then give her time to think about it before responding to you.  God bless...